ST:TNG Haven

This is a curious episode... a first season episode that builds up lore that will be mined heavily in later seasons, as usual. Its a Troi episode, the first Troi Episode, and of course it brings up a lot of troubling  thoughts about the Federation.

Well, troubling thoughts if you had ever bought into Gene Roddenberry's insanely utopian ideal from the beginning.  If, like me, you always thought the worst parts of Star Trek were the high handed moralizing about how much better the Federation was than the people of today then...

So we have the Captain's Log, blah blah, haven the world of mystical healing. Data's soul lacks poetry, but we knew that.

Riker is a pervert, watching hologram chicks play harps. Clearly this was before his Jazz turn, more Gene Roddenberry's idea of evolved humans, maybe? Yar interrupts him over the comm to summon him to the transporter room.

In the Transporter Room Yar reveals that an unknown object is beaming in from Haven. The nameless mook on the panel says something about approval from the surface station.

Point of Order: A starship, that is to say a warship, even a federation exploratory, family holding, warship would not allow unknown packages of unknown providence to be beamed aboard simply because the First Officer was there to observe. The Outgoing beam station saying 'yo, its cool' does not change that.  Point: What if it were a bomb?

Anyway: they get the beam, its a really creepy box. A box with a face on it. Troi walks in for no reason... maybe she was summoned by Yar to empathically scan the unknown object? Well, really she walks in because the box is for her, but no one actually knows that on the Enterprise, so that's just lazy writing.  Anyway, the face animates and talks for a moment, way too cheerful for a box to be, and then the box spills... um... rock candy? No, Yar says they are Jewels, so they must be that instead. Really, given the setting premise, why would anyone care?

Well, I guess it is an unreasonably large amount of jewels, the sort you'd probably see if they were fundamentally worthless trinkets, but still appreciated for being sparkly.  Anyway, Troi is horrified.

Sure, why not? That box was REALLY creepy.

And Troi does the whole "I'm getting married" reveal so we can cut to Title.

So: Troi briefs Picard in the Ready Room. Betazeds practice 'Genetic Bonding', or if you prefer Arranged Marriages.  Riker is understandably jealous (see my ending comments on Hide and Q...), and Picard wants to know if Troi will remain with the ship after she gets married.

Unpack a moment:  Troi's husband to be is not a Betazed, he's a human. Which was true of Troi's father, yes. I fail to see how 'Genetic' bonding is called for in this case, so it is misnamed. This is a pretty literal arranged marriage, only mollified by the presumption that no money exchanged hands, since the Millers were friends of the Trois.  Troi clearly doesn't want to get married, but will against her wishes for tradition's sake.  Generally the Betazeds are held up as exemplars of Federation culture... a bit more enlightened than the rest of us, possibly because of telepathy.

Now, I'm not really a critic of arranged marriage, or any other cultural curiosity that doesn't apply to me. Forced? yeah, I'll fight that tooth and nail... on the other hand the Cathedral has spoken, long ago, that Arranged Marriage is a savage and barbaric practice akin to systemic rape or genital mutilation (discounting, naturally, male circumcision).  Yet, at no point will the Betazed system be criticized except by Riker, who can be discounted because of his clear bias. In fact, his jealousy will be more savagely attacked as primitive.

More: does Star Fleet so readily allow its officers to come and go from service?  This isn't Troi resigning her commission (though: No uniform, and she is never called by rank...so?)... this is an external event being pushed on her that interferes with her duty.  Eh, thats a minor detail compared to the whole arranged marriage, which I'm not done with just yet... but lets let the episode move on for a bit.

Picard exits, clearly to allow the unhappy couple to have a private conversation.  For once I'm not going to chalk this up as directorial framing (which it is, as everything on set must be), but an in character choice.  Troi pulls out the exceptionally rare "Bill", and basically establishes him as Kirk Jr, wedded to his ship.  Riker points out that he's a man, with a man's needs, and Troi points out that she's an empath, so she really knows...

This is good practice for Sirtis as an actress. She's lagging behind Frakes here, but they are both doing heavy lifting for this intimate little scene.

Still, I've noted previously how terrible an Empath Troi winds up being most of the time. For all her protestations of "I feel" in this scene, she carries on that tradition... or the older tradition of women basically treating men as emotionless beasts.  Mind you: Troi doesn't even want to get married here, but she more or less forces Riker to man up and dance at her wedding. Picard's protestations of humanities evolution are as hollow as ever, this dance is older than language itself.

Data walks in as Riker leaves, and its clear that Data, the emotionless machine is reading Riker's emotions better than Troi.

Ha.

For some idiot reason he is here to personally request Troi's permission to let the Miller Wedding Party beam aboard.

Sloppy. Surely he is here to inform her (they have those cute badges, don't they?) so she can go meet them, but that's not how it reads. Eh... I may be reaching for this one.

So Picard and Troi greet the Millers. Papa Miller incidentally looks a bit like Picard, with the same silver fringe and similar height and skin tone, though a bit heavier. Mama Miller has a Diva Hat and Cloak combo going on, with similar mannerisms.   Hubby Miller is an artifact of 1987, with long feathered hair and a sort of twee but not actually twink air about him. Like so many TNG guest stars he is severely testosterone deficient by any measure, at least among potential love interests of the various female crew.  He's a skinny, short guy, with the air of a sensitive soul...  He gives Troi a Mood ring... I mean Mood Rose, and silently shuffles his Plot Important sketch pad around in his arms.

No one tells us what blue means (the color it is for hubby miller) or White (the color it settles on for Troi), which is a missed opportunity. Troi is pure?  Hubby has soul?  The world will never know.

There is a bit of set up, when they awkwardly reveal that Luxanna Troi will not beam in until the Miller's leave... the transporter room?  Yes, I'm glad the writer understands how important it is to begin setting up events early, now if only he'd figure out a way to not make it so damn obvious that's what he's doing.

So Mrs Roddenberry, voice of the Computer beams aboard with Lurch.  There is a bit of business with telepathy, and Troi's refusal to indulge her mother, and then the Computer insists Picard (clearly understanding he is the captain, mind you) carry her luggage. This is a setup for a gag about how heavy her baggage is that will play out in the halls, but seriously... its just bad form, as is having Picard actually do it.  This is going Full Retard with the 'eccentric' angle.

As they cross into the turbo lift, once the gag plays out, I see the distinct outline of uniform skirt, but in the foreground, so we don't actually see it. Oh well.  Luxanna starts in with her patented sex talk at this point. Seems harmless fun, but I'm reminded of the relentless debasement of our culture on behalf of the Cathedral, and I realize I should be outraged. Eh, whatever.

I've never liked the character of Luxanna. She is just too over the top... too busy. Like I said: Full Retard Eccentric.  Having her non-stop blather simply be bait to draw out Troi's telepathic talk is not payoff either.

The curious bit is why Picard indulges her in treating him like a flunky?  No explanation is ever given, and he far exceeds what would be expected of him for respecting the family of a crew member...hell, for that matter so does agreeing to host the wedding at all!   For the slower parts of my audience: Remember that the Enterprise is not Picard's ship. Its the Federation's ship, he is merely their appointed potentate. Hosting the wedding is acceptable in military tradition, but not at the cost of 'the mission'.  We can assume, for the sake of argument that the Enterprise is currently idle for some reason (the Log doesn't actually place them here for any specific purpose... a failure of the writers).  I wouldn't have even noticed that if not for the weirdly servile way Picard acts.

I could mention that I've seen criticisms leveled at Picard as an emasculated feminist interpretation of a man, but I've generally dismissed them. While Picard's leadership style is wildy different than Kirk's that doesn't mean Picard is less of a man... Kirk's leadership was hardly indicative of idealized manhood from an earlier age. However, with this episode that accusation seems to gain some teeth.  For now, I'll chalk this up as an anomalous aberration.

Finally, after a bit more telepathy busy work and obnoxious commentary about how superior honest telepathy is to human two faced lying, Luxanna at last drops out of being a caricature into being... Troi's Mom.  This is really so we can get a minor plot exposit that the Millers were the ones pushing for the marriage. It doesn't move the train forward, but it does at least establish where it's coming from.

Seriously though: when its down to just the two of them, Luxanna actually seems like she could be someone's mother and not that crazy bitch that starts talking about sex all the time. Troi doesn't quite carry her weight just yet, but then she's still stuck holding that god damn mood flower (permanently stuck on white? Did she break it? Does she only have one mood, regardless of circumstance?)

On the bridge they push the plot train as Haven calls.  The leader of Haven is a really pretty woman in a dreamlike flowing robe, demure and all that. She's got one hell of an accent on her... greek maybe?  No... IMDB says she's swiss.  So there you have it.

Ok, so a ship has entered the star system and hasn't communicated.  She says failure to communicate is inherently hostile, which Picard lets pass without a word. That explains a lot about Star Trek, and not in a good way.  Haven, it turns out, is not just amazingly pretty to the point of being rumored to have mystic healing powers (from the opening log) but is utterly defenseless.  Good thing Klingons don't care about the Pretty, I guess?

That means it is up to the enterprise to blow those non-talkers to smithereens then, according to treaty.

So, Troi and Hubby have a scene in his quarters. Troi apologizes for her mother, but Hubby Miller is so inoffensive that he can't find anything offensive. No, seriously. He totally appreciates Luxanna's honesty and the way she talks about his dad's boner.  Troi more or less admits that Betazeds are shunned throughout the galaxy like lepers, since Luxanna is normal by their standards. that might explain why we never see any others running around.   Hubby drops a plot hint that probably goes unremarked, since we lack context yet, when he reveals he is a doctor.  I could make a jewish mother joke here, but I won't.

Troi suddenly remembers Riker, and assures the utterly not offended Hubby Miller that Riker really just loves captaining starships, once again proving how much she sucks at her job.

Neither one of the seems terribly excited by marriage, which only reminds one of how out of place arranged marriages are on this show, and Troi makes the awkward transition to commenting on Hubby Miller's art on the table.  Like earlier I'd make comment about awkward scene framing, but like earlier, this seems more like honest character behavior. Troi wants to push the conversation along, out of the rut, so change the topic.

So, Troi figures out that the woman in drawings is what Hubby expected her to be. This scene did not need empathy lines to work, but there you have it.  So, we are in plot train territory, as Hubby explains how he's always dreamt of this woman, and assumed she was Troi... possibly explaining why the Millers were eager to follow through with the arranged marriage, since their son was basically an obsessed wacko for 'troi'.  Also: Predestination, not usually a good scifi plot point. Just saying.

So, Troi seems like she buys the idea that the random drawings must be of a real woman, which seems like an odd leap of faith, but maybe I'm reaching again, mostly to avoid dissecting Hubby's body language and dialog, since its mostly hammering on a theme that this guy is just so very swell and nice and all.

Captain's Log: This is pretty much the closest condemnation of arranged marriage that you'll get, when Picard simply states is unwise and unworkable in modern, 24th century life.  Yeah... that's the only problem anyone ever has with it, guys.

Anyway: Plot. They see the ship, its moving slowly... sublight speeds, giving us hours to resolve this plot... plenty of time for wedding plot, and Picard instantly, visually, recognizes it as Terellian, which actually doesn't really make sense but since it cuts down boring plot exposition I'll let it pass.  Given his fascination with the horrors of human history, maybe he likes reading up on human like species self inflicted genocides too.  Picard has creepy interests.

So, we don't get to learn much about this problem yet. Riker calls them 'poor devils', meaning they are sympathetic, and Picard seems to think they are a threat to the Enterprise and the planet.

And another Captain's log. The only new fact is to explain that they are believed extinct, which was vaguely hinted in the previous scene.

Staff meeting in the conference room as they establish the ship must have been traveling so slowly for years to get here.  Data explains about biological weapons being unleashed in a political dispute that infected both sides.

Doc interjects, which I'd normally gloss but: she says something about this event causing one to question the sanity of humanoid forms.

I get that this is an adaptation of questioning the sanity of human in the face of doomsday weapons like nuclear weapons, etc, but it doesn't work.  She seems to be suggesting that being upright, bilaterally symmetrical bipeds is reason enough to drive anyone to self immolation. So, apparently Doc Crusher is secretly a spawn of Cthulu, wearing a human skin?  Who knew?

Curiously: Doc then goes on to explain that she's got four fucking centuries of medical knowledge on the Terallians, and that their bioweapon was just advanced enough to do the job, thus rendering their threat to Haven completely toothless, which is promptly overlooked.

Yar take the exposition ball and mentions that Terellia is taught in security school (lol!), and how some ships escaped, taking the plague to other worlds, and so people just straight merc their ships when seen, with LaForge taking over halfway through. Picard picks it up in turn and, at last, gives us a timetable marker... the last known ship was destroyed eight years ago.

There is a massive problem here. The Terallians were listed by Doc as only having reached late 20th century technology, which implies very strongly she, and any other Federation level race could cure them, rather easily (like, I dunno... headaches?!). So where the fuck did all those starships come from? Last I checked we, in the 21st century, did not have starships worth a damn.

Data provides the plot clock (13 hours and change) and Picard sums up the problem: Haven, and by treaty the Enterprise, needs to stop that ship, and the Federation demands they assist even the terallians. For once its a Federation directive that doesn't start with Prime and end with Stupid.  As a general policy its not bad.

So, Picard brings up the pre-wedding of Troi and Hubby Miller, amusingly pausing long enough for several reaction shots between Riker and Troi before Riker stalks out in mid announcement without a single reaction from Picard.  See? SEE??? Picard's working with half a loaf here!

So, reception in generic room. Lurch drinking in the corner as people wander about. As the millers approach the captain, Luxanna clearly stages herself for her cue. Awkward, really.  Mama Miller wants Picard to conduct, but Luxanna doesn't because, reasons.

This allows the two mothers to cat fight about what the wedding ceremony will be. Given that its only a day out that seems... odd.  Not the fighting, but the fact that no one planned this thing. Maybe people just don't marry in the Federation that often?  Hell, the idea that weddings are sort of simple, low stress affairs done on the fly is the sort of utopian dream I can get behind, for once.

Luxanna gives a non-sequitor insult about Mama Miller having gone down hill (because earth wedding? Really?), but I'll forgive her since it leads to her saying Lurch will conduct the Betazed ceremony on account of his awesome sign language skills! That bit is classic, even if the delivery is a bit stilted.

We do get Luxanna's full title, which I comment on because, well, like everything else I comment on its a bit lacking.  She starts with the stupidest part... something about member of the fifth house.

Fifth house of what? Of all of Betazed? Fifth house on seventh street? seriously, you can't just number the house and leave it at that... it doesn't work.

Then you've got something about being bearer of some chalice and holder of the holy rings of Betazed. I'll assume the first is like a knightly order (order of the garter, for example, is a real world high honor that sounds pretty flaky without context), and just for amusement I'll point out that a devoutly atheistic show doesn't mind dropping in 'Holy Rings' as an honor, which would be a religious artifact (unless... you know... swiss cheese?)

So, cut to the actual dinner in the same room. Lurch is still drinking in the corner, Picard makes a toast. I note that Yar apparently has 'party hair'. Given her signature style is so short this is perhaps shocking, but it seems to involve lots of feathering until she's got an impressive crest of airy hair hanging over her forehead.  Seeing as everyone is still in uniform that begs some interesting questions I suppose.  Data comments on Lurch's drinking.

Now Hubby Miller pushes the plot train by asking if the ship is Terellian. As he does Lurch starts to bang this terribly annoying Gong. I suppose its a gag, thus funny, but the sound is so obnoxious that it never gets above annoying for the audience as it is for the characters.

So: Hubby Miller and Doc start talking business, Data circles, Lurch Gongs, and Riker looks pensive.  The continuing cat fight starts getting set for the next round.  Clearly Luxana is a childish bitch as she has some sort of vine thing around her arm that is actually a motile pet. Mama Miller overacts (screaming blue murder) when it touches her arm on cue.  Er.. that is Luxanna sets Mama Miller up, then siccs her pet plant on her.  This is apparently too much for Riker's brooding, so he makes the worlds most awkward, transparent excuse to leave early.

Anyway: Data sets up the next part by asking about the betazed wedding ceremony. Luxana starts in with the nudity and then with how papa miller fancies her, prompty Troi to flip out.  Not her fault, but it just seems over the top, a bit like Riker's leaving. Sure, there were reaction shots aplenty and pensive brooding, but it doesn't build. It just sits there until she explodes out of the blue. Maybe a better actress could have used those reactions to subtlying build up, but really the director needed to give her something to work with here.  I like various reactions, Troi knocking over the gong on the way out is a good one, Yar grinning wickedly is fun, but Data asking everyone to continue the petty bickering is best.

Cut to Riker brooding on a desolate holodeck as Troi walks in.  There is an oddity that I think is unique to this episode, where the entry Arch is a permanent artifact in the scene, with the door inside it coming and going as usual.

Now I may not have commented before, but Troi's usual jumpsuit is not terribly flattering to her in general. I comment now because this particular one is somehow even worse.

Ah yes: Cathedral time.  So, Troi is here to sooth Riker's savage breast, though not with music. He calls her Deanna and she wonders about Inzadi.  Riker says it means 'my beloved' and this is where his jealousy is called out. 'The Human heart is too small for that?' or something like that.

You see? A real man should accept being rejected for another for any reason and still continue to love the woman in question.  They don't pull this stunt often, and honestly, given Riker's record with the ladies on the show, his jealousy is sort of bullshit... but I think the reason they don't try it more often is pretty simple: Put this baldly it is clearly bullshit.  Frakes is given reign, as he must, to play Riker's jealousy honestly.  The only way to sell the scene for the Cathedral would be for him to admit he was wrong and to apologize... and there is just no way to sell that scene without ruining Riker, and probably the show along with it.

Its rare to see them reach so openly and fail so spectacularly. One assumes the dialog remains because they hope that just putting it out there once might get some people to pick up what they are putting down, another brick in their golden road to hell.

Riker sticks that Inzadi in and twists like a knife, and good on him. Troi's comment about males and platonic love is rich given her history of bitchfacing every time some woman found Riker attractive. Seriously, the only reason this relationship ever worked was the magic of TV writers not allowing their mutual lying and callousness to drive them apart.  I mean: The chemistry was there, we could buy them as a couple just fine... but their behavior makes them a toxic couple, bad for each other... and in real life no writer would be keeping them from tearing each other apart emotionally eventually.

Anyway: enter Hubby Miller, who continues being utterly inoffensive and nice, no matter how awkward the scene gets.   Is it possible to be so inoffensive that you become inherently offensive? Hubby Miller answers that question with a definitive YES!

No, seriously: Troi cuts Riker off so she can point out that Riker is the 'other man' and Hubby Miller is all like 'Yo, its cool man. To each his own. Good luck with the ship captain thing, too...', which is about as unnatural a reaction as I can imagine, even if he doesn't actually love Troi. Also? Hubby Miller is fucking oblivious to social cues here.

Anyway, after telling a funny story about the upcoming wedding, Hubby Miller asks the obvious question about if Troi wants to go through with it, but never why, and they share a tentative kiss that is much more believable than the one Simon had with Kailee in Serenity... of course, in his favor, it is a much more old school Hollywood kiss, thus requiring much less chemistry between the actors.

So. Plague ship, still not responding. Something is techobabbled about receiver echoes? So they know the ship is listening, which is nice I guess but pretty much non-science.  Then the pretty lady with the robes calls back demanding they destroy the ship before it reaches transporter range. She's insistent, and either the editor or the script did her no favors with the repetitive dialog, but like her previous scene she's just here to push that plot train along.

The obvious solution is, of course, tractor beam. But no one can suggest that too early or we lose any tension in this plot.

Yar offers to shoot... saying she can disable them. Picard asks 'And Then?' like he just scored a debate point.

And then they won't be able to approach Haven and will be much more willing to answer the damn phone, jackass.  This time Yar is just doing her job... though she still has that way over the top delivery she patented in the opening scenes of Farpoint.

Oh, it must be time to drain that plot tension. Picard orders the tractor beam. So now we have as many more hours of time as we need to resolve Troi. Well, I'm so glad I set a clock on that 13 hours then.

So. LaForge repeats the whole Comm thing, and Data offers that they could all be dead, which naturally is the Cue for the Main Viewer to fire up with the response. Through the static a blonde in moderately revealing clothes appears, and from Troi's face we can definitively say she's supposed to be the spitting image of Hubby Miller's art.  Eh. I guess she could be the woman in the drawings.

I note that the Terallian ship must be pretty warm, given the vast amount of midriff she'd got going on, and also that they all wear the same shade of blue for some unknown reason.

Captain's Log; Picard's voiceover asks the question the episode won't answer: How do we explain Hubby Miller's woman appearing on that ship?

Cut to bridge. Immediately a notable character actor pushes the blonde aside to speak for the Terallians, which begs the question of why she was standing front and center in the first place? Luckily, this time we have an answer that makes sense, since we eventually learn she was dreaming of Hubby Miller too, and the Terallians a believers in destiny or some such. Clearly, they expected Hubby Miller to be on the other end of the comm, so they wanted her to be the first person he saw.

Hell, Ren, the Terallian, pretty much leads with asking for him by name. Cue Hubby Miller walking on the bridge with his art.

So... 8 people on the ship, and they sensibly ask for a nice sunny quarantine on a beautiful island. Sounds legit.  He points out that they are dead set on dying at Haven, one way or another. Again, seems legit.  Not that they look sick at all, mind you. This plague they carry seems to be an all or nothing affair. Well, I guess the hot chick would be less hot with boils and lesions and such.

So Hubby Miller goes to Luxanna Troi for a nice heaping dose of mysticism to explain all this. I guess I sort of like what the first part of this scene says about Luxanna's personality, since she clearly knows what's going through his mind, but she plays her usual role for a while anyway before getting serious with him.  Her explanation for the inexplicable is vague metaphysic blather, but there is an important key development she delivers in three sharp words that I can't make sense of... sounds like "That.Weren't.So." which, a: doesn't explain anything, and b: doesn't even fit the context of the scene.  Her next line is 'And no doubt so is Ariana' (The mystery woman), which only renders those three words even more impenetrable to me.

Look: Barring that one phrase her entire explanation, stripped of 'pathetic humans' blather comes to 'everything is connected'.  So, um... yeah.  She might as well have said 'Everything's Zen, baby.'

Having helped Hubby Miller, Luxanna, clearly knowing his mind is on getting on the other ship, goes back to ditz mode.

In medbay, Hubby Miller closes a tiny little box that apparently contains all the emergency medical supplies they meant to send, just as Doc walks in.  For no reason at all, other than a guilty conscience,  he starts nervously rushing around there room doing busy work.  His plan is clearly being improvised, as once Doc leaves he notices the hypospray and swipes it. Again, pushing a vial into the back causes unnecessary sciency sound effects.

Next stop? His parents quarters, where Troi is standing around uselessly, waiting for her scene.  He makes the obvious farewell comment, Troi says nothing. He compliments her and kisses her, but is again clearly saying farewell and she says nothing. Worst Psychic Ever.

No, seriously.  Luxanna clearly got what he hadn't even planned yet from him, but she has no motivation to stop him, no obligation to the ship. Hell, from her point of view she's actually being smart, since clearly Troi is only going through with this mess of a situation out of a misguided sense of duty.  Troi, on the other hand, owes it to the ship to not let Hubby Miller assault and drug their transporter officer, to give Picard the chance to actually control who leaves his ship and how. Its a military thing, I guess. So she either doesn't read him at all, or she neglects her duty as an officer.

And since its probable that Hubby Miller would be given permission after suitable hrumphing, she's not actually helping him by being silent. So: She doesn't know.

So: worst psychic ever.

So, no one is waiting for Hubby Miller, just some sketches that I guess are supposed to be him at various ages? They look less like him than his did of 'Ariana'.  Well, they are waiting, just comfortably offstage for a TV reveal. Blah, blah they are believers.  Clearly, Ariana got much better cosmic reception than Hubby Miller ever did. All he got was a face, she got his profession, his name and his future actions.

So the Millers storm the bridge demanding their son back, and Ren calls to reveal he is a damn dirty liar. Apparently they never wanted to get to Haven, so they'll be moving on with his new son in law.

lolwut?

So, all that dialog, once the reveal of the sketch chick was already done, was a lie?  What purpose did that serve? Why not simply say they were there for Hubby Miller? I mean, that would have opened up some good old fashioned plot drama that was actually much more relevant than Haven was.  Think about it, alternate scene style:

Ren: We came for Wyatt, so he can treat our sickness and bang my hot daughter.

Picard: Yo, you can't demand I send over someone to your dirty leper ship, even if she's got some tight abs.

Wyatt: But captain, she is totally smoking, and I'm sure that's where I should be.

Picard: I'm sorry, I can't let you go. Its a death sentence, despite our super cool medicine.

Wyatt: I can make my own choices, and I'd like to die between her thighs, if you know what I mean.

Picard: Hmm... well, you aren't one of my crew or I would totally let you get away with that. I'll have to think about it.

Senior Millers: Wait! That's our son! No way can you let him go to a leper colony!



See? Drama galore! And in a fine Star Trek tradition at that, barring my little flourishes.  This way was just... meh.



Anyway:

Ren and Picard exchange Respects. Sure. Ren's just being polite, but seriously: He brought his crew across space without light speed drives and even snagged a doctor as a son in law to save his people. Man is hard core at this space captain shit, and even Picard knows it.

With that its time to shed the rest of the non-crew. The Millers leave just fine, so Luxanna can have her big scene. Must be nice being the wife of the show creator, eh?  She makes a comment about Picard's attraction to her, because reasons, then redirects to Riker. Troi's clearly possessive response puts the lie to all her bullshit about jealousy earlier in the show, which I chose to view as typical Cathedral hypocrisy. Women get to be jealous but men aren't allowed.

Lurch speaking is played like a big deal, and the fans seem to agree, since this is the only episode and the only line he ever does say, but really? I don't care.

Luxanna can't leave without one last sexual dig at Picard.  Prior to this round of rewatching I might have suggested she was lying, that this was out of character for Picard, but given my revelation about his relative intellectual depths I officially declare that it was dead honest, Picard is a secret horn dog. God only knows what he's thinking about when he sits on the bridge looking pensive.  We can pretty much garauntee its not astrophysics.


Mandatory bridge sequence and we're done.


So, you may disagree with my analysis, particularly the whole feminism/cathedral angle. I've put my cards on the table, explained my reasons... if you don't buy it that's your business, but don't try to claim I didn't make a case for it.  Interpretations may differ.

Personally? Luxanna is a nuisance character. Colorful but valueless.  Not valueless, but her only value is in shaking up the crew, not in any inherent traits she personally brings.   She does serve to remind me that the seemingly straight laced show is pretty depraved under it all, what with the winking references to the Holodecks less family friendly uses (which Barclay will serve to illustrate far more clearly in later seasons), Riker's manwhoring, their attitude towards bringing children to the Edo world...

Personally, I don't mind a little depravity now and then but I've started to see the deliberate destructiveness that causes it, motivates it... and that I can't stand.  I used to unthinkingly agree that there was something profoundly unhealthy in the lingering puritanism of America, but looking with a gimlet eye on history I can see the sexually repressed people accomplished some of the greatest strides of civilization, and I have to wonder if the two are somehow linked... if the inability to spend oneself freely in libertine pleasures somehow increases the drive to accomplish great things?  Does the chastity of women inspire men to do more for them?   Do men find fewer reasons to drink and party where there are no dancing co-eds on the bar, and thus spend more time in building and thinking deep thoughts?  Does a little rub and tug seriously deprive you of the need to lay a three thousand miles of telegraph cable across the ocean floor?

Its an interesting thought.   Right now the trends in our society are all bad, except for the one that makes it easier than ever to just get laid... no strings, no shame.  My balls thank the stars, but my mind worries.

Heavy shit for a fluffy scifi show with notoriously bad science.

Oh.

Crap, i was supposed to overview the episode here.  Right: Troi Episode, the first.  Gives us a chance to 'grow' the character, but not much of that happens, sadly.  Writing was all over the map, plotting and pacing were tossed in exchange for eccentric characters and amusing scenes.  For the most part the tone was consistent overall, but not flowing from scene to scene.  So you have a nice even tone, sort of grimly humorous, then you drop in Troi and Riker dealing with heavy shit like a rock in a bed sheet, then back to the grimly humorous tone so Wyatt and Troi can work on their DOA relationship...

Its better than the previous episodes, but still not great.  The last ten minutes or so clearly needed a bit more thought, if not more time.

And... we're out.

Why?

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ST: TNG Angel One RTV

Captain's Log: Something about a lost freighter, escape pods, and the World of Angel One.  

We learn its a matriarchy, though the exact word does no appear for some reason (foul!),  like every other non-federation 'human' world its described as 'late 20th century technology', though it clearly isn't, and that its been 60 years since the Fed showed up and snooped around.  Picard hands off captaining duties, at least as far as Angel One is concerned, to Troi.  

The Locals are not pleased to hear from the Federation, especially after they hear why. 

Title and...

Cut to Troi, Riker, Yar and Data kneeling on the floor in a room with women and really femme dudes, apparently the protocols for meeting the head of a matriarchal society are fairly brutal.  Troi does most of the talking, but Riker can't keep his yap shut, which only earns a few exasperated looks from the locals (thankfully...).  Its not entirely clear why Picard sent Riker, since Riker is supposed to play second fiddle to Troi but clearly can't... making him a diplomatic disaster just waiting in the wings.  Data I get. He doesn't have any pride to be pricked, so to speak, and Troi and Yar are obvious choices (Doc would be a good one too by this logic).

Six minutes into the episode and I have yet to hear a single negative statement about the local society. I contrast with fake chauvinistic society in Code of Honor (that really wasn't, as women owned everything and had the real power, as the episode revealed as the major plot twist), which was sneered at and mocked by the characters savagely for its backwards primitivism in gender relations every which way.  

There women were free and powerful, but Men had certain... attitudes. 

Here? Women have the attitudes (clearly), and the men are slaves, or damn close to it. Not a peep.  

Cathedral.

Anyway, when the ask bluntly if the survivors are on Angel One the head bitch (with awesome feathered 80's hair and shoulder pads) straight up answers by refusing to answer, ending the meeting. While it makes for decent television, in that it gives the audience reason to wonder as well as the characters, I do have to wonder how so many people rise to nominally democratic positions of power while not having the first clue how to lie diplomatically? 

Anyway: in their quarters (one room, possibly suite, for four mixed gender adults? Progressive of them!), Yar totally Tricorders the fuck out of the room.  Clearly Riker is looking forward to being the boss again, and once he gets the all clear from Yar (and really? Like, the Federation straight up lies about their society to Angel One?  So, every time the Federation meets a new 'alien' race what have you they just totally go 'Oh, you like cannibalism too? Yeah, we're just like you! Besties!", and then briefs everyone to play along if they ever visit.  Got it. 

Or: While having Troi lead negotiations is a fine diplomatic move, to avoid ruffling local feathers at no cost, actively hiding the fact that Riker is in charge of the away team outside those negotiations is deceptive on a level that is pretty despicable. 

Anyway: Its Troi's time to do that 'useless Psychic' routine she has patented.  She says "Fear in that room' and Riker actually corrects her (with his non-psychic ability) to Paranoia, which I can't honestly say isn't more correct.   Sad, useless Troi.  Once Riker calls it Paranoia, she says "But their fear was not focused." Yeah, Paranoia, and then "they were all afraid for different reasons', which... ok, is slightly new information for once. 

Do I think she isn't talking about any of the half dozen twee boyhimbos that littered the room?  Yeah. Only the women on Angel One matter, even when investigating missing people. 

So Yar chimes in, and the sound editor was asleep at the wheel. Data asks sensible but not really helpful question "What if they deny the existence of survivors?"  Sensible because it seems possible, and not helpful because... well? What should Riker say?

So, I can almost forgive him for saying 'Lets not look for problems' in response. Weak sauce, Riker, but Data did put you on the spot. 

Cut to Picard and Worf on the turbo lift. Picard wants Worf to prepare for a warp 6 run INTO the Neutral Zone. Why? Because Romalans, bitch... and the enterprise has been asked to support a border station.

So, Picard says something wrong. The Enterprise isn't going to go INTO the neutral zone, which is past the border posts, but only TO the neutral zone. Presumably, Worf has since figured out that Picard is a few eggs shy of a basket, which is why he asked for more information.  Worf will probably set the course the way it should be set and quietly ignore the illegal wording of the orders he actually received. 

Stepping off the Turbolift, Picard catches a snowball from Space Jesus and his skiing buddy from the Holodeck. Wait? That was this episode? Oh. So, yeah: Future Ski suits for holodeck skiing are props left over from Ziggy Stardust or something. Also: Why is Holo-snow actually cold? Is the sensation of sluicing down a hill on waxed boards somehow improved by the cold? I never thought so, but apparently Space Jesus does.  Also: How does holo-snow exist off of the Holodeck to be used as a Snowball against Picard? 

So Picard as Space Jesus report. Every time I watch this scene I half expect Picard to pull the 'boys will be boys' card and take the snowball in good humor somehow...like getting SJ to give him a strategic overview of the snowball fight and making the fight a homework assignment or something, but he never does. He just is an overbearing asshole.  There is some business about smelling stuff with Worf that I actually hope isn't Plot Train. 

Cut to Angel One: Hotel room. Troi is a dick to robots.

So, Data is playing with a bottle of perfume, which links back to Picard and Worf yammering about a smell on ship a moment ago. In the background Troi totally grins and taps Riker to say 'Watch this', as Data slowly but surely manages to spray himself in the face. 

Since Yar and Troi are obviously quiet current on Perfume, it is inexplicable that Data doesn't know what the word means in this scene. Oh, sure, Yar gives the "Evolved human" business by saying "Certain Cultures", but since when has Yar been an expert on any cultures not involving Rape Gangs? 

So, the Twee Midget interrupts our 'Fish out of Water' humor to signal the next scene, then precedes to use the perfume on himself, in case you missed all the subtle role reversal going on before. 

Anyway: Riker still fails at diplomacy, but not as hard as before.  The Mistress (thats her title. Told you this show was written by perverts) tells them there are four survivors, so that bit of question and answer earlier? Totally not relevant. 

Side bar: The actress playing Mistress whatever (Berenzia? No, that was Mass Effect...), does a lot of weird head shaking. If it weren't for the fast cuts back to the crew for reaction shots it would totally drive me buggy.  Like, OCD buggy, until I want to grab her head just to hold it still.  

Ah, so all the survivors are men (Plot Twist!), and are... duh duh dun! In hiding. Because the women of Angel One seem like such nice and friendly people. 

Yar asks why they are hiding, which seems like a reasonable question to ask, but the response is...

Because they are Fugitives!

Really?  So, you buried that man on account he was dead, and you ate that food because you were hungry?  Weird. 

Anyway, since that is clearly not enough, this is our cue for a reasonably smooth exposition dump from Mistress.  Seven years, open and friendly relations that turned sour, Natural order...

Wait, what was that last bit? Natural Order?  Could this be a satirical take on Patriarchy?  You don't say! 

Troi does not call out this bit, but goes on about sensors. I am, of course curious as to how you will detect four humans hiding amongst millions of humans on your starship from orbit. I'm not going to suggest this is invalid, but like so much else Star Trek and Science! they actually have no clue, so they bluff and hope they won't have to technobabble their way out of it. 

So Mistress warns them that the men are 'Dangerous'. Of course, when she explained why they were fugitives she never actually went into their crimes beyond 'unreasonable demands' and 'Violating the Natural Order', which hardly makes them sound dangerous at all.   Cue the Strings of Plot Tension. 

Cut to Sick Bay, where the usually sickly looking Space Jesus is coughing and looking more sickly than usual. While Doc informs the Captain that the real bit of business with the smell earlier was Space Jesus's congestion, a Uniform Skirt walks behind her.  Doc med-babbles through the conversation, not at all concerned with people getting sick from the Holodeck, and Picard worries about his crew being sick while on mission as he rubs his neck in a way that lets us know that he is already sick. 

Cut to cityscape of Angel One.  I note it because this very high quality Matte Painting will apparently be recycled numerous times, for numerous worlds in coming episodes, perhaps being the most famous ST matte painting of all time, or something.   

Framing for this scene is weird. The Camera focuses on a line of dark clad women standing stiffly, as if at attention, while the Twee Midget in front of them in his light colors and fidgety fidgets. Acceptable by itself, but the action is in the extreme foreground as Riker fake 'secret consults' with Data... you know, turning his back on the other characters, finger on his upper lip like he's hiding his mouth, only he speaks in a perfectly normal, Riker-loud, voice... and he's just asking Data how to fulfill Troi's offer of using the sensors, so nothing skullduggery at all. 

Data makes some reasonable sounding nonsense about an element not common on Angel One that I don't feel like sciencing apart. Riker asks to use the library and is told its too complex for a man.  Uh?

Lets accept for a moment that Mistress believes men are inferior to women, rather than just that its the cultural norm here. Regardless of that fact, Riker is a man with four centuries of technological expertise under his belt compared to her, which should surely offset any minor confusions inherent to his gender.  Never mind that Data is pretty clearly not just 'a man'. Moving on. 

We learn the Twee Midget is named Trent, and he will "see to the Android's Needs", which makes Trent look unhappy and Data look vaguely confused. So apparently, the Library will have to wait until after Data has taught Trent a thing or two about manhood, and had his needs seen too. 

On the bridge, Worf calls the Captain from the Helm because the Away Team asked to use the ship's sensors to find Platnium.  Sure, that's a decent element to look for I guess, heavy enough to be possibly missing from Angel One, and also heavy enough to not be filtered out of the body by the kidneys or via sweat glands. Still, seven years? Total cellular turnover is only ten.  

That's not really my point. The Captain is clearly not on the bridge, and Worf and LaForge are exchanging 'looks' as the Captain talks. I'm more curious why Riker's request needs such heavy confirmation from the captain? 

Angel One, night time. Troi hands Riker the local boyhimbo suit, saying it was delivered for him. I expected, foolishly, for Riker to protest about this sort of disrespectful treatment. Not that I expected a savage critique of the local culture's backward mores, but perhaps keeping the satire going. 

Silly me: Riker does Diplomacy with his Dick. He ASKED for the outfit for his private meeting with the Mistress, and he goes on about respecting the local culture.

See? When it even merely looks as if men run the show (even if they really don't) the culture is backwards and savage and everyone fake lies to get through the basics of diplomacy. When women openly run the culture and men are literal slaves, then respecting the local culture is the right thing to do.

Cathedral. 

Only Troi's prior claim on Riker is the issue here, a mere three episodes after she accused human hearts of being (still) to small and primitive to let her go off and boff some other dude she didn't even like.

Yar, in the background, just looks amused.  Possibly because this means a night alone with Troi, as Data is apparently still with Trent, getting his Needs seen too.

But Yar has to stand with her co-gender here, and we learn that Riker really likes dressing up. He really enjoys mentioning the feathers. Not sure how to take that.  On the other hand, Riker has no problem tossing that small heart thing back in Troi's face, though he deftly avoids hitting it too directly. 

Troi puts on her bitch face and commiserates with Yar silently. 

Cut to sick bay where Stewart is going Full Shakespear on being sick.  That's okay, because Doc's Histrionics match his tone for tone. Clearly a little flu bug is grounds for removal of a captain, while possession by space alien isn't.  From her tone of voice though, you'd think he'd come down with full blows Space Aids. 

Once again, anything that distracts Picard keeps him from finishing any sentences that don't involve getting Doc out of her Onesie. In this case he can't seem to recall what comes after Battle in battlecruiser.   Doc tells him to go to bed and he asks if it's an order, and she says yes.  Hilarity!  

No, actually I think it is funny that he feels some emotional need to confirm that it is an order. He's half relieved and half frustrated when she says yes. 

On the bridge Worf and LaForge have some business about Klingon sneezes, when Picard zombies out to put Laforge in charge. Clearly he is most interested in making sure the log entries get done right, rather than making sure LaForge is ready to face down Romulans or retrieve the Away Team. 

Because, really, that is all Picard does on board. 

Anyway, LaForge is clearly enjoying what appears to be his first turn in the big chair, while Worf is rapidly getting Klingon Kongested. For some reason I'm flashing back to Naked Now, though in that Episode Worf was the only one to NOT get sick.

Cut to planetside, where Riker comes out in his Bohimbo suit as the girls laugh. Still no sign of Data. 

Now, this was all Riker's idea, by script, but apparently Frakes must have lost his acting marbles. He is pretty graceless as he leaves the girls, and when complimented by Mistress, the cut to him shows he is seriously not happy to be wearing the Bohimbo suit. 

Anyway: Trent is here so Data must be getting his needs seen to by some other bohimbo, or doing more teaching, either way, and there is another Angel One politico here, Mistress Ariel. She's a brunette, so no Under the Sea jokes, sadly.  Ariel doesn't trust Riker, and given his attitude here I can see why. Luckily, Riker's diplomacy is in his pants, so it won't matter.  The main Mistress dismisses everyone and keeps Riker for herself.  Never bet against Riker's Diplomacy by Dick. 

Apparently playing out that scene put Frakes back in a good mood, because the usual smug and smarmy Riker is back by the end of the scene and the bohimbo suit is forgotten.

So, back with the Girls Yar immediately starts prepping phasers, which makes it seem like Riker's call to her was code for "help, I'm being Raped!". Data is with them, so clearly his needs were seen too already, explaining Trent.  They are  going after the survivors, not Riker. 

The lead survivor is... MacGuyver?  He is clearly expecting them, and they respond to his friendly mug of beer with drawn phasers.  Ahh... one day I will do a whole post on Star Fleet Security... one day.

Anyway: Captain's Cabin, Picard is trying to work at his desk instead of sleep, he staggers around an calls the bridge for a status update, which allows us to exposit that nothing has happened since the last scene, and we get Klingon Sneezes.  The highlight of the scene comes after LaForge sends Worf to Sickbay and tries to respond to Engineering having problems. Worf gets a good moment as a character when he reminds LaForge that he's got to delegate, and LaForge thanks him for being a pal with the advice.  Good stuff, though small.  Worf certainly needs more of that and less growling and sneezing.  Everyone needs less sneezing it seems.

So Ramsey, the lead survivor isn't really MacGuyver, he's a lookalike. Data reveals it was Platnium, expositing that Angel One has none (um... yeah, got that from context, thanks), and Ramsey reveals that his flight wings are platinum... so slightly better then residual heavy metal contamination, but still.. don't they need LaForge to look out a window or something to pull that off?

Troi continues her 'bad psychic' routine by admitting she feels no emotions from him related to being rescued.  Ramsey points out that after seven years, Angel One is his home, and Plot Point, some of the survivors have wives and kids and stuff. 

Back to Riker and Dick Diplomacy.  The Patriachy Satire continues apace in this scene, specifically how the men are pampered while the women work. 

Heh. I sort of saw this coming.  Let me set it up.

Once upon a time people had a fairly honest opinion of what women found attractive in men, before Feminist realized they'd one and completely flipped their lid and went off the deep end about things like Fat Shaming and so on. Thats not to say that idiot ideas like 'sensitive men' didn't float around like unlinking turds in an unflushed toilet, but for the most part people got it, on both sides of the debate. The Cathedral, so to speak, wasn't concerned with supporting the lie that a good man was, well, Trent.  

That was long ago, back in 1987 at least.  Anyway, by ten years later, you pretty much couldn't admit that women found rugged manly men, or at least tall and somewhat hairy Riker men, more attractive then sensitive, twee hairless midgets like Trent.  Enter the early Pick Up Artists and, eventually 'Evo-Psych Game' people who started pointing out that women really do like rugged manly men that act all leaderly and all that nonsense about crying and being in touch with your feminine side was actually anti-advice that came from women lying to themselves.  Of course, such men were called all sorts of terrible names, and still are today.

Now, in this moment of Riker's special brand of Diplomacy we have this woman, this powerful leader of a matriarchal society, where all the men are shaved twee midgets, and she can't help but admitting a powerful, inexplicable attraction to Riker's tall and hairy self, with his arrogant, even sullen refusal to be pliable.   While you could argue about the strength of Riker's 'Game', you have to admit this scene pretty much checks all the blocks of the Evo-psyche 'Sexual Market Value'. Hypergamy? Riker is a powerful ship officer, at least equal to the ruler of a petty back world. Height? All the angel one women are taller than their men, but Riker towers. Leadership? Riker leads his team with barked commands and doesn't let even the demands of diplomacy soften his edge...

In the land of waxed twee midgets, a hairy giant doesn't need Game.  

On with the show.

So... Trent walks in and is just all awkward all over the place. He's got some shiny box thing and he won't leave despite having walked in during the tongue jousting portion of the evening entertainment.

To be honest? I feel a little sorry for the actor. Not for this scene but for this role in general.  Despite being in the nearly literally emasculated role of a bohimbo on Angel One, and clearly being cursed with a general lack of height, I get the impression that he is probably two or three times as rugged and manly as the actors that have appeared on, say, Edo in Justice or Troi's would be husband in Haven.  Okay, against Hubby Miller, maybe ten times as manly, but with (so far) no dialog.  

Huh. According to Memory Alpha, he would go on to play the 'pre-complete' version of Lal, and one other character in the run of the show. So begin emasculated seems to be a theme for this guy. 

Anyway, Riker hands over the 'aldeberani meditation crystal' that they've been lugging around the show without talking about.  This super nifty object lights up and chimes when you touch the top of it, which so impresses Mistress that she absolutely has to start kissing Riker some more.  Ah, primitive savages, easily impressed with glass baubles. 

Ah, so only Ramsey will get to critique the culture of Angel One.  I note that he is not a regular cast member, and therefore his voice has much less authority with the audience.  In fact, Yar utterly dismisses his concerns by pointing out that its not his concern. 

See, I like Ramsey, the character. The actor I can take or leave but he basically tells Star Fleet to pound sand.  Data is forced to concede his point, though he makes a goof when he does.

'The Odin was not a starship and therefore not is not bound by the Prime directive". 

Um. The Odin was, in fact, a 'Starship', which refers to a ship that travels between stars. A Romulan Warbird is a Starship, a Klingon Bird of Prey is a Starship. The Enterprise is a Starship. Only one of those four Starships is, in fact, a Federation Ship, which is what Data means, but they are all Starships. 

Now, this could set up a fairly awesome legal debate, but this is Season One and season one seems to suck hard. 

What? You think a legal debate would be boring?  Hey, didn't Tom Hanks make an entire movie out of a guy stuck in an airport over a minor legal crack he fell into regarding his passport?  Didn't it win some awards and some shit? 

Yeah. Same basic idea.  The Federation cannot force Ramsey to do anything, but Ramsey has pretty shaky ground for demanding the right to stay (or, might. They WERE accepted when they landed...). That makes him a man with out a home, and makes the diplomacy part of this mission much more complex and involving. Instead, we get klingon kongestion. 

Cut to Sickbay were Doc is reminding us that the Federation is evil by showing the little kids (like... two or three years old) on the Enterprise.  A ship, I remind you, that is currently under orders to face off with six Romulan Battlecruisers. With toddlers aboard. Evil.

LaForge calls from the Bridge, and we see a Uniform Skirt behind Doc as she reports in.  Despite being constantly in the thick of whatever medical plague the episode brings, Doc is always the last one to get sick.  the Camera cuts to the bridge where we see LaForge virtually alone. Q should be along any moment...

LaForge is clearly starting to get sick, or at least massively stressed out, when Yar calls. They're planning to interrupt Riker and LaForge wants them back on the ship because of the medical emergency... which is the exact opposite of what he should be ordering.  Hell, it even serves the plot to keep them off the ship due to quarantine, but no... bring the healthy crew on board the plague ship, why not?

Mind you... this sickness is so viral it tore through the whole ship in under a day, and pretty much incapacitates anyone who catches it.  Also, for no good reason it mutates every twenty minutes. 

Anyway, Yar at least figures out that Ramsey was warned somehow, and asks, but doesn't press the issue. They wish him well and transport out, doing that stupid facing move they always do. Then Ariel enters frame, clearly she already knew the sweet, sweet joy of skipping twee midgets for hairy dirty working men, answering a question that only Yar cared about, and that barely. They kiss and stare right at the camera, which is sorta creepy.

Cut to TV post coital afterglow (everyone still dressed...), and some disjointed sociopolitical commentary pillow talk. The door chimes.

Trent get a line, then the away team just walks right in. Mind you, Riker is still rolling out of bed here. There are a lot of long pauses and clearly telegraphed cliched lines, then Mistress says "Im sorry too" as evil mood music plays... long pause then she unilaterally sentences Ramsey and the others to death.

Lolwut?

I mean: Sure, tighten the plot screws, give us some dramatic tension but...

When the away team arrived it took hours of debate in council just to admit the survivors existed, and more arm twisting to get permission to look for them.  Now? Now she can just order death sentences? No debate? And why wasn't this done sometime in the last SEVEN FUCKING YEARS before the Enterprise arrived?  Don't say because they hadn't been found. That's weak sauce.  

Once again, the demon of incoherency rears its ugly head.

Doc brings chicken soup to a half naked Picard.  Do Not Want.

Not soup? Apparently it is castor oil, which just seems out of place. And why, exactly? So we can get a weak ass gag about foul tasting medicine? She brought it in a thermos. This is Star Trek, where even something as mundane as pushing a glass vial into a round slot by hand is accompanied by electronic whooshing sounds. 

All of this is a setup for Doc to smell the klingon cologne smell, and thus the key to solving the medical mystery.  So, doc? Bad at medicine. Can't find infection vector? Did you try... I dunno... airborne particles?  Also, since when can humans smell viruses?

On the other hand, Patrick Stewart has a convincingly sick 'croaking voice', which is damn fine acting. 

Cut to Riker in uniform, talking to data about sick people

Reprising The Battle, Yar reveals that Federation Starships, or at least the Enterprise, don't really need a crew at all... at least not for all that messy flying business, but somehow still requires a functioning crew to be combat effective. 

This leads to a bizarre mini-debate about leaving while Mistress plans to execute people. Not one mention of Prime Directives.  Troi is probably just trying to find an excuse to avoid the plague ship. 

Then, for no reason, Mistress brings in the Survivors as prisoners. Apparently, making the away team see that she's caught them (without their help...) is... important? Likewise, revealing she knows about, and has captured Ariel... important. Why? 

Ariel gives excellent bitch-face when challenged, and clearly Ramsey won't be leaving an alpha widow at his execution, because she's sticking by her man all the way to the death chamber. And the whole time? Ariel is just smugly going 'yeah, but I got me a real man the last seven years. What you got, bitch? Trent?'. 

Remember that whole debate and democracy thing? Yeah, Ariel is a high ranking government official, part of the planetary council. How exactly can you execute her (in a 'democracy', mind you) with only a day's notice?  Damn that whole need for 'plot tension'. 

So, Riker and Mistress face off a bit and, if I may inexpertly steal Game terms, he totally pulls a Frame Change on her.  Like, he's all challenging her execution and she pulls that whole 'you're just a man' schtick, so he squares off and... mockingly?... goes to his knees all proper like.

Well, it works, since she starts to listen to him. Of course, if he'd just led with his offer of an alternative option that might not have been necessary.  So... Cathedral? Maybe. 

For reasons that make no sense, Troi, with Riker right there, approaches Ramsey with Riker's offer. Ok, so: Ramsey doesn't need the diplomatic coddling of a woman talking to him (and probably prefers not to have another bossy bitch telling him what to do, seeing as how he'd rather die here on principle...), but we can allow as how Ramsey hasn't actually met Riker, despite the weird framing of the 'Im gonna execute these people' scene. 

No, seriously: Ramsey takes the stand on principle. True, he sort of frames it a bit like a jackass, but I suppose when you're being suicidally stubborn (even for a good reason) its hard to escape that.  Ramsey doesn't want to die, but he refuses to leave, period. 

Remember when I offered the whole legal debate? Yeah, we're about to reprise that.

See: Riker pretty much steps up and begins tossing the order to leave and Data points out that those orders are in violation of several laws, including the Stupid Directive.  Riker than says he'd rather take the court marshal than leave these people to die. So...yay for strong moral stances on principle?

Only... what about Ramsey's strong moral stance on Principle? 

Oh, yeah: His is against the moral imperative of Matriarchy, so its automatically invalid. 

Sigh.

Doc, at least, or at last, takes the stance that the Enterprise is a god damn leper colony and no, you can't put healthy people on board to get sick, dumbass! Well, better late than never I suppose. 

Riker orders Data aboard, as at least one writer seems to recall... oh, yeah, Robot! actually means something.  Data's job? To fucking solo those god damn romulas like a BOSS!

And how is Data going to be more effective than just the autopilot?  No one cares, but since he IS the third officer AND immune to the disease, going to the ship is still the right call. That way you aren't stuck with Doc commanding the ship and trying to cure the disease, while sick... though at that point having a proper chain of command seems sort of silly, right? Well, its the military... that's what they specialize in: Silly traditions in the face of damnation. 

Troi rushes up with the accusatory question 'What of them?"

Bitch! Riker just offered to face a courts martial to save them. He was shot down by events beyond his control, a higher authority you might say (that is, the Enterprise is in orbit... ahh... never mind!). What the fuck do you expect? You gave him ten whole seconds to come up with a Plan B, for christ's sake!

So, scene.  Trent walks in to invite them to witness the 'Reaffirmation of the Moral Imperative', which strikes me a very deliberately chosen, much like the earlier 'natural order'. Yar of all people (She of the Rape Gangs) finds that offensive because 'murder'.    I'm thinking a few more 'reaffirmations of the moral imperative' on her home world might have had a positive impact on the Rape Gangs, but then most of Gene Roddenberry's ideas never work in the real world. What's one more?

Riker declines to watch people die, and Trent points out that its poor diplomacy. Riker should have just whipped out his dick right there, but no...

Data, alone on the dark bridge pulls some shady legal shenanigans with his orders and reveals that he mathed out that the Enterprise has 48 minutes to solve Plot.  I am far, far too weary to detail exactly where he went wrong, but part of it involves travel time taking days to weeks, and another part involves letting another ship take a seven to one pounding for almost an hour because you think they can last that long. 

So, now Riker fakes begin Honored to witness yadda yadda. Sigh. Sure. 

Now, I'll also note here that while Mistress pretty much unilaterally determined executions, she doesn't seem terribly enthusiastic. So why no beaurocratic maneuvers to tie it up in debates?  Oh, right, because Plot. Also, more deliberately poking the Satire bear by referencing Heresy and other religious excuses for executions, which I savage mercilessly as there has been exactly ZERO attempts thus far to establish any religious sentiments on Angel One. Thus this is a completely unearned jab at religion in what appears to be a purely secular society.  Yes: Cathedral. 

Also, for a society that hasn't mastered video phones they have disintegration chambers? Again: twentieth Century Technology?    I could use one to get rid of my garbage, maybe Walmart has them?

So, now Riker gets to say his piece.  There are some jabs about execution then he goes on about revolution (least armed revolutionaries evah), and twists that into... evolution?  He goes on about the history of Angel One's revolutionary movement that has zero relation to anything that has come up in the episode thus far. 

Also? Nothing in his speech here required the Enterprise to still be on station, so he was going to skip this attempt to save them because? 

Oh Noes! The speech didn't work? They're gonna kill him anyway? Drama!

Ariel's bitch face wins in the end? No, seriously. Trent is the guy with the remote control crystal ball, and he's all lowering his hand while Ariel looks fierce until she call Mistress by name. That causes mistress to stop Trent's hand.

So... really, this was just a mean girl showdown, with Mistress trying to get back at Ariel for having a cool boyfriend while Mistress was stuck with poor Twee Midget Trent?  It just went too far and Ariel just called her out on her bullshit and its over? 

This is why Matriarchies don't work, people. 

Also, Ramsey? Balls of Quadritanium.  Mistress walks out, having called off the execution but Trent's still holding that crystal ball, but Ramsey? Just cooly standing in the execution chamber like 'Yo, dawg. That be my bitch right there. Don't be jealous.'

Now that the planet side plot is all but wrapped up, Doc miraculously finds the cure to the disease. Naturally. 

So, with 17 minutes to leave for the Romulan Free For All, Data tells Riker who gives all those beam up orders along with stand by.  

So, shortest legislative session ever end right on cue as Mistress walks back in. So... all that debate and shit? All lies. Mistress is the head bitch and all the other mean girls know it. She didn't try to call for a vote to straight up murder a bitch, she only call the session now to save face. Got it.  

OMG, I am so shocked, y'all! She called it off? Whoda thunk it?   Oh, now don't be celebrating, Ariel challenged her authoratai and that can't stand. So... exile to Siberia?  Sounds like Siberia. 

For no good reason (ok, since he's the big cast member here) Mistress lavishes some unearned praise on Riker for his talk-talk, when we all know it was Ariel that called her out. Another face saving move? Probably. Also trying to get another round with Mr. Diplomacy, keeping that door open. 

So they beam right out of there and I can't help but think: Mistress could totally just be waiting for them to go away with their starship, and since everyone is already gathered in the execution chamber.... nah...

Maybe?

Anyway, the away team on the bridge, getting their shots. Picard, with his death croak, is already there.  Sounds like he asks Riker to give him a detailed report on his.... diplomacy, and given how quickly Riker changes the subject I wasn't imagining it. 

And despite the fact that they are now behind schedule (the cure was synthesized at 17 minutes. How long did it take to get it to Picard and for him to get dressed and to the bridge?  No matter how you parse it, there is some delay. If the Doc called the dying man to the bridge for his shot he had to dress and get there under zombie power, and if she had to get to his cabin and inject him, then he didn't start getting up until maybe ten minutes left, probably less given that it took Riker ten minutes to get Data to Engineering in Naked Now...  Safe to say, if Picard is inoculated and dressed on the bridge, then they are running late, period.

So naturally Picard orders only Warp Six, seeing as how they are in a hurry and all. Presumably, Data was given orders at some point to generally take Picard's orders with a grain of salt and is currently setting out at the less leisurely rate of warp 9, so that the USS Berlin isn't a cold ball of expanding gas and scrap metal when they arrive, dead for days. 

And end.

So.

While I found the not terribly hidden politics rather annoying, and more importantly hypocritical, this episode is actually fairly well written, as TNG episodes go, certainly a standout for the season.   I won't lie and claim otherwise simply because I disagree with it.   Its still lacking the in depth look at the issues of the day that Star Trek loves to brag about, as usual providing only a glib and facile gloss that is often overshadowed by frivolous secondary plots.  In fact, this dueling plot thing is getting tiresome. 

I've pretty throughly covered the writing missteps in the review, so I won't repeat them here, and I've talked up the political angle pretty throughly, which leaves... science.

So... Space Jesus catches a virus from a Holodeck program? He passes it to Worf and Picard via Snowball... or virus perfume? the Virus mutates every twenty minutes??? 

I'm pretty sure that viral infections of cells, that is to say viral generations, take much longer than twenty minutes a cycle, and mutating drastically every generation is a bit over the top.  Likewise: there are lots of airborne diseases, to my knowledge human beings can't smell any of them, though we might smell symptoms of them. 

But most of all: They caught it from the Holodeck? 

The one episode where they remember Data is a fucking robot they had the Holodeck invent a new virus to infect the crew with super flu? 

Oh hell. 

Just.

I don't know. I mean... what can you say to that?  Clearly, it is Super Jesus's fault, a misfire of his messianic power over technology. After all, he was patient zero. 

Ah.. better. 

See?  Everything is better when you can blame it on Space Jesus. He resolves all thorny plot tangles and science stupidity by his mere presence. 

ST:TNG Review: The Battle

Like many of the early episodes, this one is mostly notable for the elements that appear in later seasons, such as recurring nemesis Damon Bok, development of the Ferengi mercantile code, and the first mention of the Picard Manuever, which is used here.

After the Captain's Log establishes that the Enterprise has been hanging around in a random star system waiting on the Ferengi, we cut to Picard reading in what I assume are his quarters. Doc walks in and they have some mixed banter, mostly mixed because Picard can't remember what exactly he's talking about from line to line.  The important, and scene relevant, conversation... the one Doc sticks to entirely, is that Picard has a headache.

So we learn that in the future Headaches have been conquered? Well, mostly conquered, clearly.  Um... okay. Sure.  We also see a continuing development of the idea that the doctor can order the captain around medically, something that gets way overused in most Star Trek... not just Star Trek, either.  The doctor in Babylon 5 was presented as an autocratic tyrant who could meddle in everyone's personal lives down to the choices of the food they ate, and no one protested about how very intrusive that was.  In revelation of Mayor Bloomberg's attempts to ban salt and soda from New York City in recent years, I'm starting to wonder how these themes are linked... but I don't want another four hour writing project, so I'll let it go for now.

On the bridge, Picard talks to the Ferengi and Troi cancels the comm, almost violently in the background so that she can at last be a useful Empath, pointing out the Damon Bok is a treacherous, deceitful git.  Ironically, since we're dealing with the Ferengi here, I assume everyone just thought she was stating the obvious.

This scene reminds me of something I have always struggled with in SciFi, psychic powers that work mostly by magic. At what range does her Empathic gift work? Does it only work if she can SEE the target, such as 'on view screen'?  Does that mean she could make an empathic reading of a silent Valentino film? The emotional signals imprinted forever on film?

This is, of course, teleological thought on display.  If she can see Damon Bok, then its just like he is right there. Its not logic and rational thought but what feels right that determines her abilities. Its childish thinking. In "reality" Damon Bok is dozens, if not hundreds of kilometers away, on a ship surrounded by hundreds of like minds... but she can see him so its like he's right there.

Or, you know: Television rules.

Another issue with this scene, and many like it throughout the series: The Enterprise regularly interrupts conversations, particularly on the main view screen, to confer privately. No one on the other end ever seems to note this incredibly rude behavior. It is notable that no one on the other end mimics that behavior because that would display just how fucked up it really is.

No, think about this from Damon Bok's point of view:  He's having a conversation with Picard, and suddenly the screen goes blank, and stays blank for roughly a minute. When it comes back on Picard continues the conversation as if nothing had happened, and he expects Damon Bok to do the same.

Now, in this particular case it is more excusable. He had rather unexpectedly dropped a logistical question in their laps, who hosts the diplomatic meeting they want to have, but it is handled in the most abrupt and careless of ways. And they get away with it because we only see the action from one side.

Anyway: the Ferengi will board the Enterprise for this little diplomatic meeting and everyone is shocked at how easily the Ferengi accepted.

Um?

You meet a girl in a bar, the two of you hit it off. You got your hand on her ass, she's grabbing your cock through your pants and you ask 'You're place or mine?" and she say's... "Mine."

And you are shocked at how easily she agreed to let you into her place?  Dafuq?

Bok asked which ship should host, giving the entire matter to Picard to decide. Clearly he's already made all the political calculus necessary for him to be comfortable with either answer.  So this is basically, the writer trying to give unearned ideas to the audience.

No captain's log after the Title, instead we've got Picard being checked out by Doc for his Headache in sickbay.  She says something about how the Federation has learned the Nature of Pain...

Without going into deep biology here I, a mere layperson, can give you a pretty fucking detailed description of how pain works, the nerves and chemistry of pain. Even without biology a five year old can tell you a simple 'nature of pain' that describes the process reasonably well from cause and effect. How does this understanding the nature of something change it?  Thus, I have to assume this 'Nature of Pain' is some sort of medical breakthrough akin to Space Jesus's understanding that Space and Time and Thought are all the same. Yanno? I am aware of at least one quantum (?) theory that actually suggests he might be right on that, so I guess I have to retroactively forgive the writers... oh, that's right... I avoided criticizing them for that bit of nonsense! Well, carry on then.

Space Jesus, wearing what will prove to be his proper Ensign Uniform for the foreseeable future, instead of his ugly dun cable knit sweaters, tells LaForge that they'll have an intruder alert. On cue an alert sounds, more or less a Picard returns to the bridge.  Its an old starship coming up on impulse power.

Technical foul!: An intruder alert covers a person or persons entering the starship. This would be a proximity alert, and if it just entered sensor range at impulse power its not so much an 'alert' situation as it is a 'hey, that's vaguely interesting'.  On the other hand Picard makes a good point about how stupid Space Jesus is for not using the Comms to tell the bridge he spotted something before they did. We don't ask how, of course. He's Space Jesus, he gets to do that.

LaForge repeats all the information we already got from Space Jesus... what the fuck is it with the writers of this show and Redundant Redundancy?

Anyway: As Picard upbraids Space Jesus for being a selfish little shit, he stops in mid sentence for his headache... the one the doctor just 'cloaked' so he wouldn't feel it, then dismisses it utterly.

So: Picard is stupid, as usual.

A summation of the facts of Headaches, as given so far:

They are unusual enough that the Doctor is shocked to hear he has one, and she's been ordering as many tests as she can get away with.

She can find no medical reason (not even stress?!) to cause it.

She just did some medical miracle to cloak the headache so he wouldn't feel it anymore, not five minutes ago.

The headache returns with what must have been breathtaking intensity to interrupt him in mid sentence like that.

Picard dismisses it as unimportant. Again.  Despite having been concerned enough to call the doctor about it in the first place.

Sigh.

So they beam the Ferengi onto the bridge directly, despite being unreasonably worried about this unexplained starship.  This unexplained Federation starship.  Does the Federation sell off decommissioned starships to raise funds? Is there a starship recycling program? They seem pretty blasé about the existence of the starship itself, more concerned about its presence.  I'll let go of the security and protocol issues here, since I understand the limits of Set Budgets and time constraints in filming, and frankly I don't care to analyze it beyond noting it seems off.  I believe this episode definitively establishes Data as the third officer of the Enterprise, after Riker... if not establishes, then explicates.  I find it amusing that the Ferengi find it perverse that human females wear clothes, and Riker grins like he's imagining a point of view where clothes are sex on wheels.

So, when Picard is Space Drunk he acts senile. When he has a headache Picard acts senile.  In other words, if anything at all taxes Picard's mind he can't string together any thought not related to unzipping Doc's Onesie.  Ergo: it takes every ounce of Picard's concentration to not look like an utter moron all the time.

Anyway: After a bit of frippery involving the Ferengi offering to buy Data, Damon Bok reveals that he is giving the Federation Starship to Picard to honor the "Hero of Maxia", and a very obvious 'ah ha' cue chimes, telling you that a major plot point just reveal just happened.

Picard knows NOTHING of Maxia, despite the fact that he was there.  Now, I can accept that Picard might not recognize a new phrase such as 'Hero of Maxia', but even if the battle had been somewhat less dramatically life altering, the fact that he fought and destroyed a starship in the Maxia-Zeta star system should really not have to be something that Data tells him about. Yeah, yeah: Plot exposition dump, but its handled so very, very stupidly.

Or, you know, Picard has lost all his marbles and he literally cannot recall basic shit from only nine years ago in his own life.  I'm thinking that, as of this moment, Doc could just tell Picard that she and he eloped a couple of years back and he'd just take it as something he'd forgotten, skipping all that unresolved sexual tension. And since they never actually deal with it, why not? Keeping it going serves little, if any, purpose.

We also learn that the ship Picard destroyed was Ferengi, and in a plot reveal, that Damon Bok is more than a little peeved about it, despite his friendly, gracious overtures.

Interesting technical fact: Yar refers to the oncoming starship as 'only' a thousand kilometers away, giving us a sense of scale. From here on we can refer to 1000km as 'close range' for any ship-to-ship interactions... such as Empathic Reading and Transporting.

After another Plot Reveal Outburst from Bok, this time governing his rejection of Ferengi norms regarding giving shit away, Picard has another burst of Headache... which looks more than a little bit like an outbreak of epilepsy.  Troi feels it and apparently Betazeds regularly feel emotions that come from other times since she says "it felt as if it were something from your past". Temporal Headaches?

Bok sets up the plot by suggesting it is his conscious pricking him, and Picard continues to wave away the facts but refusing another sick bay call.

Anyway: More on the Picard, Dummy theme.  Despite being told several times that this was a constellation class ship, seeing it on the main viewer, and being reminded of the 'Battle of Maxia' by both Bok and Data, Picard still doesn't realize that this is the 'Stargazer, my old ship!' until magnified and studied in detail. Sure, its backstory spoon-feeding, plot exposition dumping but god is it handled badly... again.  Or, you know, Picard can't even remember that he once commanded a constellation class ship which was subsequently abandoned in space and never recovered (which.. really? The Federation has so many starships of the line that they make no attempt to recover ones that are abandoned by the crew after a hard fight against an unknown enemy?  Maybe this explains why they are so cavalier about using them as bumpers against stellar debris and so on...).

It turns out that the Stargazer was found in this star system, which... given that its only been nine years... implies that this star system is Maxia-Zeta, or damn close to it. That, or the Stargazer was abandoned at warp.


Captain's Log,

Back in sickbay, this time with Troi in attendance. Troi reveals that the thought seemed mechanical, and Picard reveals that his headache was a memory of being at the helm of the Stargazer. Lolwut? Memories and Headaches aren't remotely the same thing!  I mean... I get it, the headaches are a symptom of a mechanical memory inducing device, but I"m plot spoiling, getting ahead of myself. Picard continues to dismiss, well, everything.

Anyway, Riker comes in to announce the crew is 'ready', asking for Doc's approval, and not only does she approve, but she offers to come along. To a staff meeting. In short order we see clearly that Picard is having a hard time separating out stargazer memories from where he is currently at... smelling stuff burning, mixing his story of the Battle of Maxia with orders to Vigo, his weapon's officer...

I want to note that it was just two episodes ago that the crew were ready to leap on vague suspicions of possession to relieve Picard of  Command, and at the very start of this episode, that Doc reminded us that she has the power to order the captain around for medical reasons... yet as Picard clearly is showing signs of severe mental distress, they merely put on concern faces and go about their business.  Picard can't even tell you were he is at any given moment, but he can command a starship!

At one point, describing the Picard Manuever he refers to himself as merely a good helmsman... I thought he was the captain? Seriously? To be honest, it might have worked better if they had actually written him to be the Helmsman (like Data, a high ranking officer as the pilot, and taking command as the bridge crew suffered casualties...), instead of making him the captain of the Stargazer, as if Picard could never have held any other rank.  I actually like the description of the maneuver for technical reasons.  Warp Speed, any Warp Speed, is faster than light.  This means that any sensor systems based on the physical universe (like our own eyes (light), radar, ladar, sonar and so forth) would actually have a hard time placing a physical object in real-space, just as described. Clearly the Federation HAS super-light sensors (based on subspace?, perhaps using subspace as a medium for more typical sensors (radar) that are normally bound by light speed limits), but we can presume, given that everyone typically fights at sublight, impulse velocities, that those sensors are inefficient for combat for one reason or another.  For once it isn't actually technobabble!

Referencing my earlier point about Picard's lack of memory of Maxia, he explicitly reveals that the survivors of the Stargazer "limped through space for weeks in shuttlecraft"... not something one casually forgets about less than a decade later.  Hell, I lived in New Jersey when I was five for a mere three weeks, and I still remember it, and that was more than three decades ago, or more than a decade per week.

Anyway: I like how Picard has to ask Riker's Permission to go to the Stargazer, and how the Doctor insists on yet another exam (this would be three, four separate exams of one headache over the course of about two hours...).  Given how they coddle and protect him and his utter inability to get anything done in person that doesn't consist of throwing humanity under a bus before angry gods, it is quite clear to me that the reason Riker doesn't take a promotion to Captain is that he is ALREADY the captain of the Enterprise in fact, if not formally.  Picard is a figurehead, an idiot boy-king, kept around for reasons of tradition and ceremony.

 Picard orders the logs downloaded to the Enterprise. Curious, as Damon Bok had announced much earlier that they were already downloading the logs to the Enterprise, even before it was revealed to be the Stargazer.  Picard goes to his old cabin.  He's got a fair amount of stuff, old books and whatnot, that he'd been forced to abandon, which is a nice touch. A mostly concealed thing (a plastic orb, but to be honest you can't see it at all at this point) begins to glow red and Picard spasms violently and grabs his head. Cut to Damon Bok, on board the Ferengi ship presumably, using a similar red device.   Plot Reveal! At last!

Okay: So I buy that the red object can communicate over a thousand kilometers through two sets of starship hulls. That's a very trivial engineering problem in the Star Trek milieu. What I have a problem with is that Damon Bok has apparently been giving Picard headaches with this orb for days now without the matching orb in proximity. How? How has he been aiming it at one mind in a ship of thousands?  How far is its range to Picard's Brain, as the Ferengi were clearly out of sensor range for the first several days the Enterprise was in system?  This is not a minor plot hole, people.  Never mind the question of how Bok attuned it to Picard, so that when Doc walks into the room as Picard staggers around like a spastic drunk, she doesn't feel a thing.

And once again, Picard's behavior is a bit more confused and senile than 'man in pain' when she asks him what's wrong and orders him back to the Enterprise (but doesn't relieve him of command, even temporarily...).

So Picard retires to his cabin, lying down (we can hear the Orb operating in the background) and begins dreaming of Stargazer's battle in audio. The Plot Happens, as Data sees Riker in the ready room to reveal that the logs of the Stargazer reveal that Picard Shot First!

Han Solo would be proud, but no one is buying it.  I like that Riker asks for proof and Data reveals it was logged in Picard's own voice.... its not like Space Jesus didn't just promote himself to Captain with just that trick a few weeks ago or anything!  But Riker is troubled by this revelation.

The next scene is Riker and Picard reviewing the audio log. I like how it starts, literally, as a Confession.  That alone should send warning bells, the Picard thought to leave a confession of his misdeeds as such at the Stargazer, but told a radically different story once rescued? And what of his other crew, who would have given independent reports. But everyone takes seriously the idea that they've only got two days (The lag to the nearest star base is a day?  Curiously they've managed to arrange a tug for the Stargazer already, which suggests they've been here for several more days!) to prove its false before Picard will have to prepare a legal defense... clearly the idea of having to think terrifies him!

Riker goes to the bridge and arranges a secure channel, in the ready room, to the Ferengi ship (curiously, it seems the Ferengi either do not name their ships, or do not share the names of their ships with outsiders, since Riker addresses it directly as 'ferengi ship'. He asks to talk to... the first officer? Ok. Sure.).  I can only assume Riker doesn't want the rest of the crew gossiping about Picard's situation.  The scene between Riker and "inzago" is pure plot dressing, it doesn't actually do anything but allow Riker to ask pointed questions, and for the Ferengi to make jokes about his ears, nothing actually happens.

Picard and Doc in his cabin again. They talk about headaches, the Stargazer, the logs. Picard confirms my theory of the time they've been here "The Last three nights I've..." he says referencing the stargazer. Its a rare case of Star Trek acknowledging the passage of time that is invisible to the audience.

Doc leaves him sleeping with doodads stuck to his head, for the headaches, and we see Picard flashing back to the Stargazer bridge on fire, as Bok plays with his balls.  What we do NOT see is Bok trying to alter his memories to match the logs (which was implied in earlier comments about how Picard just doesn't know anymore what went down...).

Now Data covering the altered logs in the finest of Data Exposition Dumps to Riker and LaForge. As Picard walks in we can see the sadly rare uniform skirt (on a woman this time) in the hall behind him.  Yes, I intend to call them out every time I see them, because it matters.

Picard is all smiles. Clearly, now that the Orbs are triggering full on horror show flashbacks, they aren't triggering headaches anymore.  Doc walks in, clearing intending to brief Riker on how whack their Captain is, but there is Picard. In an eerie call back to Possessed Picard he dismisses her, under protest.  They keep tiptoeing around medically relieving him, but they never do... how sad.

Clearly Bok's control over Picard is fairly detailed. Picard orders Riker to release the tractor beam, and mentions an Academy Lesson on Conserving Tractor Beam Power.... lolwut!?  The resemblance to Possessed Picard is clearly deliberate, as Riker goes to do as he's told, under protest without stating it, and Picard's cheerful bonn homie disappears as soon as he is alone, a puppet with his strings cut.

Ah: the reason I felt the need to rewatch this episode entirely to do this recap...

Doc and Troi are facing each other talking in front of a medical screen about Picard's Brain. Clearly something is Afoot (and seriously: what is the bar they have to cross, in a galaxy of alien energy gods, possessing entities, telepaths and mind control devices, before they can relieve a ship captain for cause?), when Space Jesus walks in.  He stands behind Troi as he begins his pitch, and in a way to clunky bit of framing, Troi crosses to stand by Doc, facing him, to ask what his sensor stuff has to do with Picard.  He glances at the board and says 'yo, I known jack and shit about brains, but see this pattern? Just like some shit I saw on sensors, dawg.'.  Again: just like the possession episode, Doc establishes that they've got to talk to Riker instead of the Captain. As they leave, Space Jesus leans back smugly and says "Adults."   Notably this was the very moment that Wil Wheaton claims he realized that no one would ever like Space Jesus, and yes... it is fucking obnoxious, but honestly, I started hating him in the first episode, so he was wrong about that. Still, props for being self aware.

So on the bridge Riker seems upset that Doc and Troi aren't at their ordered duty stations. Lolwut? First of all, Troi's duty station IS the bridge, and secondly, Picard really just ordered them back to work, not to go stand in some corner.  I like how Troi thinks that 'low intensity' is the most important piece of information, and Doc thinks that Space Jesus being the source of the information is...  also, the mystery brunette in the uniform skirt apparently works on the bridge, since she walk by in the background again.

TV cliche: Riker calls the computer for the Captain's location, and finds out Picard is in the Transporter room, just as he transports away to the Stargazer.

Picard sits down on the Stargazer's bridge, looking a bit confused and is confronted by Bok, holding his ball. Bok raises the shields and gives Picard another headache, and the enterprise detects the low intensity pulse in Picard's cabin, while Worf suddenly remembers the utterly mysterious presence of a fairly heavy chest... lolwut?

I'll sum up: Picard starts relieving the memory of the battle for reals and thinks the enterprise is the enemy vessel. Riker orders Data to come up with a counter for the Picard Manuever (apparently, despite ten years of teaching it, no one has bothered to think of a counter for this 'ultimate tactic'...), which Data does, and instead of destroying the Stargazer, or letting Picard... um... scratch their paint (seriously: its an older, weaker ship, barely repaired and utterly lacking in crew. I'm shocked it can even pull the Picard Manuever in the first place), and they lock it in place with their tractor beam and manage to talk Picard through his hallucinations until he can shoot the orb Bok left behind...

And why leave it behind? Clearly the proximity to Picard served no purpose. Bok was controlling picard just fine from the Ferengi Ship.  Riker confronts Inzago with the orb they have, First Officer to First Officer..

I like how in Picards Flashbacks the crew of the Stargazer calmly work their panels despite the presence of three foot high flames... right at their panels. The flames are clearly part of the flashback, so are contemporary to the memories of the people sitting there ignoring them.

Riker has a second call to the Ferengi, where they reveal Bok has been arrested for 'unprofitable ventures' before they abandon the Enterprise to the... non-threat of a lone madman on a broken, derelict ship.

Data reveals a shockingly non-technical solution of technobabble (gas compression? Really?) and Riker is all worried that this just means that they can blow up Picard, but Data calmly points out that, yeah, really, the Enterprise can clearly just bitchslap the Stargazer with a tractor beam... for reals.

Nothing really follows any sort of cause and effect here.  First of all, they KNOW where the Picard Manuever, especially the historic one, will take the Stargazer. They won't make the Ferengi mistake of shooting the after-image anyway.  Second, once they've caught it in the tractor beam, the episode is essentially over. Seeing Picard trying to order nonexistent people to fire the guns is pointless, so the only reason to do that is to allow Picard to redeem himself for the Audience by proving strong enough to be talked through the "Thought Maker" hallucinations to rescue himself. Once we see the Stargazer grabbed by Tractor Beam all the Plot Tension is gone, though they struggle manfully to keep it going for those last few desperate minutes.

Picard gets a 'wise man' line about how there never is profit in revenge. Its a puffy good-feels sentiment that is right in line with Star Trek, then, without ordering the shields lowered, beams to the Enterprise.... haha.

Aside from the ongoing evidence of Picards inability to think his way out of a paper sack, I don't have much to say about this episode in general terms of writing or direction. Its far from the worst of the lot, barring Space Jesus being somehow better than everyone for no reason whatsoever.  The inability of the crew to realize, or diagnose, what is wrong with the captain is damn near unforgivable, of course.

Still, next up is another Q episode, and those are always fun.