Naked Now Real Time Review

Following my post on Encounter at Farpoint, I thought I'd try to establish some of my problems with ST:TNG, or at least season one, with a real time review of what was my younger self's favorite episode.

We have a fairly normal opening, Picard narrating his Captain's Log, establishing the mission. This is actually a great framing device for the series, allowing them to set up episodes with a minimal amount of wasted time and energy.  In this case they're going to investigate a research ship which has been sending 'strange messages'. 

Naturally they arrive just in time for the final message, seductively voiced offscreen, referencing a 'blowout', just as the Seirkovski (spelling?) bridge blows out their emergency hatch. Apparently there was no video, as Data has to identify the noise.

Pause:  Data says "What we just heard was.... impossible. That was the sound of an emergency hatch.. blah blah blah"

Here we have the first real indicator of bad writing for Data, a long running theme.  Data is our Spock Analogue, of course, the logical emotionless machine. He's a lot like Spock in so many ways, deliberately so. Inhumanly strong and smart, knows everything, blah blah. 

But Spock was never so crippled to say something that was possible, if stupid, was 'impossible'.  An emergency hatch can be opened, it sounds like one was opened, ergo it is not impossible for the sound of an emergency hatch opening to be impossible. 

Of course, in Farpoint Data constantly does things that a machine intelligence would not do, which he'll keep doing throughout the series.  We can chalk some of them up to deliberately mimicking human behaviors, but not shit like 'Thats impossible!" when it plainly isn't.

Resume: 

Riker immediately grabs half the bridge crew for an away mission.  

This is an artifact of Television. They managed to eliminate the 'captain away team' trope from the first series, but the idea that you'd take your sitting Conn operator (pilot), the security chief and the chief engineer.... well... 

Anyway, they Transport over.  

Again: They just heard a decompression event, apparently deliberately triggered by the crew of the ship they are going to, and they just transport over in their duty uniforms.  Because your chance of landing in Hard Vacuum and killing half the senior officers is surely minuscule, right?  Well, presumably Data would survive.  Also, I'd like to note the utter lack of quarantine equipment and procedures for an exploratory vessel in an exploratory fleet with at least a hundred fucking years of experience with a  galaxy that, like the honey badger, don't give a fuck. 

So they separate, wandering around.  Riker takes data to look at some malfunctioning display screen and they can see the open emergency hatch.  I like that Riker has no idea what to call the display screen... he says 'Whatever this is' when he tells Data to try and get a recording off of it. I also like that Data, who labels clearly possible events as Impossible, feels the need to correct Riker that no one is sucked into space, but is blown into space.  I am pretty sure both are technically correct*, but Data has some weird inconsistencies in his logic. 

Meanwhile Yar and Laforge wander around commenting on all the frozen people in separate areas of the ship.  Laforge walking into a hoary room full of naked people and dumping a body out of the shower (the only fully clothed person). 

Technical foul: Simply turning down the environmental controls and 'dumping heat into space', or whatever, will not reduce a room on a space ship to that level of coldness... certainly not in a reasonable time frame.  In fact, getting rid of excess heat in Space is a major problem, especially in Engineering (where Yar reports from, audio only).  The level of freezing we see requires actual refrigeration, or the entire ship to have radiated out the heat without generating any more... a process that would take weeks or longer. 

So Riker calls in that everyone is dead, Picard goes 'But... people?' so Riker repeats 'all dead'. Its a pretty stupid exchange, actually. I'll forgive Riker's assertion, given that they couldn't possible account for all eighty people seeing that an unknown number were on the bridge and 'blown out' into space. Maybe the Enterprise managed to use their sensors to see all the bodies and had a clean count? 

And before anyone claims that the Transporter wouldn't send the Away Team into Hard Vacuum because 'Sensors' or something, let me point out that Star Fleet still uses Away Teams to investigate things. Why? Because 'Sensors' can't answer questions like what is on another ship, clearly.  Thus, the first thing any away team does is pull out a fucking tricorder and start taking local readings.  It then follows that Star Fleet must loose a lot of away teams to local environmental hazards simply because they are too cheap and lazy to use fucking space suits when going into potentially hazardous environments.  This entire episode would have been a non-starter had they simply used good quarantine procedures from the beginning.

I can say that, because the first thing Picard does upon recalling the Away Team is to order full decontamination and examinations... meaning that he was at least aware of the potential for a contaminant.

In which we can see that Star Fleet puts WAY too much stock in Transporters, since they never use any isolation protocols, they just have the Transporter set to maximum decontamination and have Crusher check them out. 

So the first up is Data, who is a machine. I'm gonna keep repeating that, because the writers seem to think 'machine' is some sort of code for 'alien life form'. Data doesn't need to be checked for diseases or injuries, so much as he needs a quick wash with bleach solution to kill anything living on him and a check for damages.  There is the stock quip about how perfect he is, yadda yadda...

Then Laforge, who checks out perfectly on the scanner, but Crusher sees he is sweating. 

Note; I hate Gates Macfadden. Not her fault, nothing she did, but I never liked her. Moving on.

I actually like the fact that the machine gives her nothing here. The doctor is the one person in Star Fleet who seems to know that technology by itself is just a tool, not the magical cure all.  

Laforge shoots back with a bit of over emphasized anger about how the heat is too damn high, while Riker looks on in shock. 

So Crusher calls Picard to confine Laforge to sick bay, leading to one of numerous 'stupid exchanges' throughout the episode. So far there have been at least three, and two of them have involved Crusher, all have involved Picard. This example: '

Crusher: I'm confining Laforge to Sick Bay  (normal exchange of information).

Picard: Is there a problem? (normal request for more information)

Crusher: I don't know. (Stupid TV reply that means nothing)

Ugh.  A more reasonable response would have been to tell the Captain that LaForge was acting strangely.  We, the audience, already know that of course. Thats why the writers twisted the conversation into knots trying to allow normal flows of information not to be redundant, but its just sloppy all around. 

Riker's interaction with Data in the next seen is, somewhat characteristically in the season so far, much better. Riker walks in and mentions reading about people showering in their clothes to Data, a call back to the Original Series episode this one is based on...**  Data does another of his 'not-machine' ticks where he treats the vague request for more information as spurious, but then he starts the search. Then he worries that he seemed boastful to the doctor. Elements of the conversation are painfully self aware, but the actors do a manful job selling it. I think the comparative strength of these scenes is that Jonathan Frakes actually sat down and figured out how he wanted Riker to react to the presence of an Android crew member. That's my speculation, anyway.  It provides a consistency to their interactions that Data's interactions with others is lacking. 

So, the lack of quarantine procedures continues apace with the next scene. As Crusher investigates Laforge, she eventually wanders off to her computer to check something. Cue the mystery music as Laforge sits up, removes his badge/communicator and wanders off aimlessly while looking at his hand.  Again: Proper quarantine procedures would have kept him safely locked up. Also: Removing his badge is one of those TV complications. There is no practical reason for him to do so except that it makes the obvious technical solution to the problem of a missing crew member impossible.  Clearly the use of Onsies Uniforms for Season One created this problem, as the more natural solution would normally be to simply remove his uniform jacket instead (seeing that he's feeling hot). 

Crusher walks back in and is Shocked.. SHOCKED to find her clearly delusional patient has wandered off, leaving his badge behind.  LOL. Literally, I laughed out loud at the skit. 

Crusher checks the hallway, empty. 

Technical Note: The interior of the ship is laid out badly.  Sickbay is apparently is a part of the ship that is all hallways, not near anything of note.  I'll note that Star Trek ships have some of the worst 'set-itis' of layout I've ever seen, which is amusing when you consider the amount of money spent by geeks on blueprints and technical readouts over the years.  ***

So crusher calls the bridge to have Yar, chief of security, find Laforge. Yar handles it competently enough, then turns to Daddy Picard for validation. Picard rather unnecessarily makes it a ship wide search.  Yar didn't specify any specific area of the ship to be searched, and presumably there are security personnel all over the ship who would have heard the alert in the first place. What, does Picard think that Petty Officer Schmuck, sitting in Engineering, would see Laforge wander into Engineering and think 'Nah, I'm not tasked to find people near Med Bay, I'll just ignore him.' if the Captain didn't specify it was to be ship wide???  Fucking asshole. 

So a clearly NOT DELUSIONAL Laforge is next seen with Wesley Crusher while Wes shows off his portable tractor beam and then his Totally Not-Creepy Picard voice simulator.  I like how they treat a basic recording and playback device as some sort of awesome techno-genius. Guys, I know this was back in the mideval days of 1987, but even back then Radio DJs were using similar devices to make prank calls and shit.  That'd be like me trying to impress you with my mastery of a fucking butter churn, but totally-normal Laforge thinks its fucking inspired. 

Wesley complains for the third or fourth time in this one scene that he's not allowed on the bridge. Fucking Wesley.  This triggers LaForge to go back into Delusional Mode, so Wesley can ask him if he's ok... sigh.  

So, Laforge's mystery ailment apparently cures itself so he can have long scenes with other characters before it returns to remind us he's alien space sick.  

The next scene has Yar finding LaForge in the dark in Observation. No clue how she found him, since she calls Security to come pick him up while he begs her to help him control his wild urges. Ha. 

Their conversation is... bizarre, and not just because LaForge is currently in Delusional Mode.  Yar has called for a security team, but when he asks for help she's all like 'But I'm Security, not Help Desk', then changes her mind and decides that 'Helping is totes important, kids!'. 

Of course Laforge wants help seeing like real people do.  No, wait, that would be Data. He wants help seeing like a not-blind guy who totally has X-ray specs. Really, dude?   I can forgive him for asking someone to do something impossible (wait... that's Data's line, and here it really is Impossible...)

LaVar Burton has some good lines here, selling the blind (not-blind) man who wants to see, so I shouldn't mock him too badly. Too bad I think it was all just an excuse to have him take off his visor to show off his blind-contacts and blinking impacts, and to touch Yar's face... thus signaling she's the next sick person... unnecessarily, as its never established that physical contact is necessary. 

Also: Yar's security team? One guy.  

So, Sick Bay, Yar and Picard, the Picard, Crusher and Troi all talk about how there is nothing wrong with LaForge. Crusher gives LaForge a shot of something without a word or any obvious effect.  Honestly? It feels like padding while they wait to get Yar all steamy and slinky later. 

Then Riker follows up with Data on his Shower Search, and Data misses the whole proverbial nature of 'Needle in a haystack'.  I guess I can't fault Data for not responding that the easiest way to find a needle in a haystack is with a magnet... I seem to be unique in that I actually solved that problem decades ago... but missing that this is a common proverb? What, did his database algorithms somehow miss that?  Is Riker using the Space Equivilent of "Oh My Stars and Garters", and Data's never heard the term before?

Somehow, Riker has a Dr House moment, and suddenly recalls that it involved a previous ship named  Enterprise. 

Picard walks in just as Data is refining the search perimeters and Riker totally pretends that Data just told him they'd found it... sloppy. Still, Picard reads off the data about Captain Kirk, gravity wave induced drunkenness and so forth. One third the way through the episode and they've solved it! What will they do with the remaining half hour???  Tune in next time...

Oh, wait. Sigh. We're still on. Ok. 

So, Picard tells Crusher that he's solved it while Data does an eye roll at the Picard's certainty.  Data does that a lot, reaction shots that seem out of place.  Whatever.

So Troi walks into a room strewn with filmy scarves and things. Her reactions are a bit off-beat, as she seems to be in her own quarters, but she doesn't react like this is either normal or unexpected... like it isn't her quarters, you know? Yar giggles from the other room and reveals that she's well into delusional mode, that this is Troi's quarters and that Yar needs feminine advice. Why exactly does Troi have a bunch of filmy see through scarf-dresses?  Why doesn't she wear them? The world wants to know.

So, Yar really wants to update her image, be more feminine like Troi, and Troi goes total bitch-face on her. "Its Not for You." she snaps before she remembers she's the ships councilor, and that Yar is acting like someone in need of counseling.  Yar, for all her delusional mode and lack of feminine wiles totally gets the bitchface from Troi and gives her the smiling riposte that she can get what she needs elsewhere... 

So Troi calls Picard to tell them Yar is Infected, and Picard plays Grammar Nazi. What the fuck is with these people and nitpicking over shit?  Still, I like that Picard doesn't feel like wasting time telling Data was "Snootfull" means. 

So Crusher, Sickbay: Wesley, looking a bit sickly...um, sicklier, calls 'Mom' in to show off his tractor beam. He's holding a tricorder or something up in the air and bragging about how he's made the beam stronger. Last scene he was holding up a chair, so...wtf?  Anyway, Wheaton does an alright job playing up the subtle signs of Delusional Mode, but drops the ball when he has to note how hot it is, suddenly. Of course, Picard calls to check on the cure and remind the doctor that its spreading. She doesn't tell him her son is sick now.  

Cut Too: Tasha Yar's Amazing Ass Shot as she sashays through the halls. Still in uniform, sadly.  Of course, the all black of her Onsie doesn't show it off as well as we'd like, bah. On the other hand, the Uhura Skirt makes another appearance on a random extra in the hall, so that's nice. Good to see Starfleet still has some priorities.  Yar totally kisses some random lucky dude in the hall, and I don't think the extra was acting when he was smiling, though the kiss itself is brutal and awkward. 

Then back to the bridge, where Picard continues to act secretly terrified of collapsing stars, a weird trait for a starship captain.  Data reveals that 'Half Impulse Power' is.... really fucking fast, since they can apparently outrun exploding stars at that rate.  On the other hand, data transfer rates in Starfleet are... really fucking slow, as they've already been downloading for hours, and still have 41 minutes left.  Yes, yes.. eight months of data, and all that, whatever.

Engineering; Picard's Voice summons the chief engineer to the bridge. I'm assuming its the acting chief, or else LaForge's actual duty position wasn't clearly established yet. The Actress looks familiar, but she's not. (Brooke Bundy, for the curious).  Curiously, Picard then summons the assistant Chief by name (Shimoda), telling him to report to Sick Bay.  Cue Wesley's walk in. 

So, we've established that this mysterious gravity based ailment causes drunkness, so why does everyone act less like they are drunk and more like they are deliberately fucking with us? Oh, yeah: the writers are hacks, got it. 

Shimoda isn't drunk, yet, but clearly he's a fucking idiot, since he accepts Wesley's offer to watch Engineering for him. I'm pretty sure we never see Shimoda again after this episode, but I do know we see the Chief Engineer (Macdougal?) in later episodes. 

So the Engineer reports, and Picard continues to reveal his secret fear of exploding stars (seriously: its a thing. I dare you to watch the episode and not see it). Naturally Wesley uses his Picard Voice to announce his sudden captaincy. Picard is more upset with the rank than the fact that his voice was saying stuff he wasn't actually saying.   

Yeah, cause Drunk People totally do shit like this, all the time.  

Cue Commercial break. 

And we're back while Acting Captain Crusher regales a gaggle of giggling gear heads with his new orders covering desert from behind a force field.  Because, you know, drunk kids on power trips totally recognize the need for defensive measures to protect their stolen power, or something. Shimoda shows up and walks into the force field stupidly, praising Wesley's genius. Stupid Shimoda, way to toss asian stereotypes right out the window!

Apparently hooking up his tractor beam up to ship's power turns it into a repulser beam. You know, just like plugging a battery powered vacuum cleaner into a house turns it into a leaf blower.

And so Wesley lets Shimoda into his office-fortress.

Picard, on the bridge, orders Riker and Macdougal (hah!) to Engineering to get 'that boy' out.  Worf passes on the fact that there are strange reports coming in, and Data passes on a dirty limerick. Somehow Picard thinks calling Security will help. 

No, doofus: Security isn't the answer. Proper Quarantine is the fucking answer. Too late now, but you'd still be better off calling the doctor.  Security is drunk too. 

Apparently, Yar was hosting an orgy when Picard called, though she is alone when Data goes to her quarters.  I base this on the sexualized nature of her dialog, double entendre and the male voices that answer the comm in the first place.  You decide if she was having sex or serving cheese platters.

For no good reason, Picard orders Data to take Yar to Sick Bay.  Note that at this time he's already established that half his crew are sick, so what possible purpose could be served by taking one sick crew member from her quarters to sick bay?  

Yar's Quarters: Data walks in, its TV dark, Yar shows up in a revealing wet-scarf outfit, hair slicked back and with femme fatale makeup. Data does that whole nervous swallow routine that is really, really out of place for his character. Again: Machine. Fuck.    Anyway, Yar claims to have gotten all sexied up for Data, which we'll chalk up to 'fill in the blank' lust rather than having a fetish for machine men (walking dildo?), but then she lays down some character exposition about being abandoned when she was five, which... would kill the mood, but... Data.  Then she mentions Rape Gangs...  apparently Data never did any research on bridge crew... and since we've gone to Rape Gangs, Yar clearly wants sexy time... yeah... they did that, but its 'gentleness'.  Great: So Data is Yar's dream boyfriend, because as a machine man he's incapable of being rapey....  

Yar's asking Data about how fully functional he is almost redeems the scene from its, well, rapey-ness, and Data reveals that this is not his first walking-dildo rodeo... now, there is a fucking story to wonder about, eh?

I'll note that Denise Crosby is somewhat tall, having a good two or three inches on the random extra she kissed in the hallway. Luckily for the ladies, Brent Spiner is taller than Denise Crosby. You know you want that...

Anyway: Back to Engineering where Riker and MacDougal are baffled as Drunk Wesley's office-Fortress.  Apparently science fair tractor beams that magically work as repulser beams when given ship's power are an insoluble problem for a chief engineer (no wonder she was demoted). Likewise, shorting power to the office, from conduit panel is a time consuming affair.  Meanwhile, Shimoda has pulled all the isolinear computer chips out and is playing Jenga with them.

I would hardly be the first reviewer to note that Star Trek's ship designers are apparently pulled from those who flunked out of engineering academies.  Apparently, despite being a massive compartment built around the ship's engines, everything is controlled from that one tiny little office. This is as bad as the exploding control panels, never mind that the only thing those particular chips should probably affect is the link between the office and the rest of the ship. But, no: this one tiny office apparently controls the only interface between the ships engines and the puny humans who walk around it all day AND the actual computer that takes orders from the bridge. Because that makes sense. 

And... here comes Drunk Troi, calling Riker "Bill". I guess its better than Inzadi, or whatever she called him in Farpoint.  She starts going on about all the human minds and how free they are, and how she's never experienced that... I guess on Betazed all the Betazoids are free all the time but its different? I dunno.  Anyway, Riker picks her up to carry her to Sick Bay and she starts asking the obvious question: Why Sick Bay? Don't you want to take advantage of my drunk ass?    

Sick Bay: Closeup of Crusher pushing an injector onto a vial of fluid, loading it or whatever, complete with unnecessary sci-fi sounds. She moves to Laforge, who I'm gonna guess was tranquilized by the earlier shot.  Oh, no. He's just restrained and acting more sick than drunk.

So Riker drops off Troi and finds Crusher obsessively working, so he totally touches her shoulder and bare neck, we get the stupid sound effect of drunk-transmission, even though Riker is currently symptomless. Also, unnecessary, as Crusher has been working with Laforge from the beginning with no protection at all. Crusher reveals that the formula doesn't work. She thinks this 'water carbon compound' may have mutated.

What?

This is a gravity created chemical compound that doesn't act like a virus or bacteria, isn't alive in any meaningful sense... though it is transmitted on skin to skin contact just like a real disease... but it somehow 'mutated'? This isn't the TOS sickness, its a new sickness that is just like it. How the fuck would it have 'mutated'?  Sigh. 

And suddenly Crusher realizes that Riker just infected her. He runs off and she calls out that she's got to quarantine him! 

Oh, god. 

NOW? 

NOW!!!!

Sigh.

Riker points out that he's got a drunk mission to save their lives down in engineering, instead of simply pointing out that its more than a little too fucking late.  Man, if I didn't already hate Riker from before, he'd be my favorite character. 

Commercial: 

And back to the bridge, where Picard totally lets Wesley logic him to death.  It goes like this: Picard demands Wesley hand control back to the bridge, Wesley counters, suggesting Picard order Wesley to do whatever he wants done, Picard protests that Ship Captains don't do that, and...naturally, Wesley points out that actually, all Picard does is give orders, so whats wrong with giving them to Wesley?

Ouch.  A drunk kid totally logic trapped you, don't you feel stupid and ineffectual. 

In fact, he feels so stupid he totally forgets that he's been terrified of this star going Boom all along and actually waves away Worf giving him 'star go boom' countdown information so he can try to sweet talk Wesley out of Engineering. 

I'll note too that no one who hasn't left the bridge has been the least bit drunk, so the informal quarantine of the bridge? Totally effective. Oops, random redshirt conn guy is looking a bit unsettled. Who touched him?

Worf must have nerves of steel, since he doesn't bother to try again until after Picard has been cut off by Wesley.  You know, collapsing stars and all that... either that or its not that big of a deal and Picard is just a big pussy, you decide.

There is more scene padding, with a montage of everyone trying to solve their simple problems (you know, cutting power to an office from the electrical panel outside that office, Wesley struggling to work the tractor beam, Crusher noting that drunk problems solving is harder than sober problem solving...), Picard attempts to call engineering, but Data does his walk of shame onto the bridge. 

This one scene more or less destroys all of Data's future whining about lacking emotions. Clearly his positronic brain (they don't use that term in this episode) is fully capable of emotions, as he is in full drunk-emotional roller coaster mode here.  I was hoping Picard would point out Data was a machine, but instead he just says 'different', so once again, Android becomes code for 'alien'. Sigh. 

Anyway, Crusher comes in talking about 'private, no urgent' matters... as if these are binary opposites. Crusher is sitting on the captain's desk all 'Mrs Robinson' when Picard comes in, but it goes to waste. The scene is sort of pointless, though it does help establish the presupposed chemistry between the two characters that is supposed to be simmering away but hasn't really had time to be established.  I like how Picard does the 'Hun-hun-hun-hun' sound to check Crusher's....um...crush.   He tries to walk off and she starts protesting about her need for 'a man', unzipping a little. Its all pretty demure to me, MacFadden just isn't sexy, really, but the actors play off one another nicely nonetheless.  Picard more or less promises her later sexytime with a rasped 'not now, doctor', all while Worf watches with all the stoicness that Data should be mustering. Worf calls Riker to tell him Picard and Data are infected, and Riker (himself infected, mind you, but not showing it), goes to somehow handle that, leaving MacDougal to somehow beat the drunk kid at engineering.

Cut to: Star explody.  Picard tries to order Worf to 'take us out of here', but can't get the words out, and Worf plays dumb until Riker steps in. What?  Sigh. 

Technical note on star explosions: Whatever, its TV. I guess stars just pop like balloons now. 

 Worf can't get the conn to work, so he tries the other one, then back to the first one. You know, because its not like Picard and Riker haven't spent the last hour or two, or whatever, trying to get control back on the bridge from Wesley's demented hands.  Sigh. 

He reports that the controls are still offline, and Picard orders him to "override". 

Well, I guess you should have tried that earlier?

Oh, you did? Same results you say? Oh, look, in all the vastness of space a single glowy chunk of star matter is coming right for the Enterprise! Imagine that!

Just then MacDougal finally figures out how to cut the power. She comes in with a great Mom-Glare for both Wesley and Shimoda.  I'll note that apparently Drunk-Shimoda is apparently a three year old boy, just for the record. 

Okay: So with fourteen minutes MacDougal can't replace all the chips. Call it fifty to a hundred chips. Her life is on the line, but no can do.  Well, clearly, since it took her an hour or two just to cut the power to this one room, and that was with Riker's help.  Luckily Wesley knows Data could do it.  I'll note that 'Drunk Picard' is... dull.  He's less drunk than senile.  Bah. 

Wesley points out that to Data the simple Isolinear Chips are just simple isolinear chips (ouch, that was a brick), and Data could shuffle them like cards. No, literally, he says that. The problem isn't that the chips are in dire need of shuffling.  

Look: the chips all go into a panel that is roughly twelve inches wide and maybe 24 inches tall, arranged in a  number of vertical slots arranged in rows of... call it twenty or so. With me?  Less than 75% of the chips were removed, based on eyeball estimates of the panel. The chips clearly slide in and out without difficulty, based on Shimoda, and later Data's actions. The only problem must be putting the chips in the right slot.  Now, this may be taking things for granted, given the quality of Star Fleet engineering, but the chips and slots must be clearly labeled, as we can presuppose that they go in specific slots (and for that matter, what's wrong with trying to isolate critical chips and just putting those into place first?  How the fuck do they do diagnostics and repairs without crippling the ship???).  Lets say a full hundred chips were removed, and a full 14 minutes remain until explody death happens.  That gives MacDougal seven and a half seconds per chip, most of which would be spent isolating the right chips.  Simple expediency would have her simply pick up a chip, look at its label and then slotting it properly, which should take no more than three to five seconds at a time, averaged, leaving approximately four minutes to fly the ship out of danger. 

Instead she gives up, Riker spends ten minutes getting clearly Drunk-Data into Engineering and letting him sort chips at a rate of two per second, giving the ship a margin of error of only one minute.

Bah. 

So, the show cheats a bit, to ratchet up the tension. Riker gives Data 8 or 9 minutes, and though Data is clearly working far more than fast enough, he claims it will take slightly more time than they have, and Riker at last notices he's getting drunk. Finally!

Now: I've paused the show. Nine rows of chips, with roughly 15 chips a row, with a second panel with only partial rows. Despite the fact that clearly not all the chips were removed earlier, now they were all (or mostly all) gone. Still with math: Even if you had two full panels (270 chips), and Data only managed a rate of one chip a second (clearly he is faster than that), it would only take him four and a half minutes to put in every chip. 

Picard gives up on senile-drunk and goes for Randy-Drunk and checks in with the doctor. While their interaction is cute enough, the inconsistency of everyone's drunk behavior is driving me nuts. So far not one clothed shower or freezing cold climate control scene to be had, either.  Anyway, Crusher has a new serum to test.

Meanwhile, Wesley is crowing about his repulser/tractor beam thingy, and Data goes 'if only we had one minute more', as if he had to do a whole second panel of chips and Riker gets that 'oh yeah!' face. So someone REALLY REALLY wanted to ensure Checkov's Gun got fired this episode, since that god damn science fair project has only been used in four or five scenes... 

But, wouldn't you know it: Drunk Riker can't concentrate, so Drunk-Wesley has to do the math himself. Clearly, Riker had that epiphany face while Wesley was talking, but no... kid-genius gotta gene...  Wesley decides to reverse the polarity of the ship's tractor beam himself. 

Meanwhile, not-Drunk Macdougal stands there uselessly.  Wesley even asks her to help and she protests it would take weeks to lay out new circuits.  Oh...oh, God... Now I remember why everyone hated Wesley so much!  In order to make him seem so fucking smart, they had to make everyone else morons! 

Also: We have clearly seen, no less than three times, that it is one single chunk of star stuff in all of space coming right for them.  Astronomical!!!

Anyway, back in Sick Bay, Crusher tests the formula, and it works. She takes a moment then shoots up Picard and herself and I notice that in the background there are clearly medical 'extras' walking around... not-drunk.  So, why have the drunk doctor making up formulas and injecting them in human guinea pigs??? 

Picard takes the formula down to Engineering and immediately shoots up MacDougal, useless and non-drunk as she is.  Sigh. He then injects Data. Sigh. Data starts putting in chips..faster. Apparently he ALSO shot up Wesley, but we don't see it, because as he shoots up Riker, Wesley overcomes he genius block. His brilliant plan? To push the Tsiolkovski into the star matter, pushing the Enterprise one minute further away from the star matter.  Sigh. 

Why not push out of the way? Why not just push against the oncoming glowy boulder, buying essentially infinite time?   Also, it turns out they didn't need a full minute, more like ten seconds (again, why? See the math above.  At absolute worst Data needed four and a half minutes (more like 3 minutes) out of 8 or 9 minutes, and in all probability he was putting in chips fast enough to shave his time down to a minute and a half.  Bah. 

So, after one last commercial break, Crusher is injecting bridge crew.  LaForge calls Picard asking if they got shoved aside at the last minute somehow, and if Data saved them all... and Picard reluctantly admits that Wesley may have helped. Worf finds that hard to believe, letting Crusher do the proud-mama moment.

And everyone conveniently forgets that Wesley is the one who put them in that situation in the first place. Damn space drunkenness!

Riker tells Picard its only fair to mention Wesley in a log entry... you know, for his little space-drunk mutiny or something, and... Picard says something about crediting his science teacher (who??), before giving Wesley his shot. Oh... so drunk Wesley... still smarter than the rest of the crew. Sigh. 

So, back on the bridge. Yar and Troi walk off the turbo lift together. Given how both of them are apparently horny drunks that does make me wonder...  Yar goes to her station and exchanges an awkward look with Data, then stalks over to tell him  'It never happened', like she's dealing with a bad boyfriend material or something.  Its cute, but in the context of Data as Machine, it makes little sense. In the sense of Data as Alien-human, I suppose it makes some sense, but that really irritates for the reason I've been going on and on about. Data is a Machine, not an alien that looks like a human and wants to be human. Fucking writers. 

Anyway: Seeing this is the first true (non-pilot) episode, Picard makes a comment about how they might have a fine crew if they avoid temptation (Reaction shots of Yar-Data... and you can see Yar will totally be hitting that again, later, and of Riker-Troi...)... never mind that Picard will presumably have to answer for the loss of a fucking starship. Not HIS starship, true... but... 

Anyway: On the final analysis I can see a what promises to be a chronic problem with the series.  Lets call it 'Causality'.  On the Tsiokovski, no one touched a sick person, yet they got sick. We're told that the 'disease' might be caused by gravity waves from the collapsing star.  However, the Enterprise only gets sick from touch. Laforge Touches a corpuscle, then he touches Wesley, then Yar... and presumably a bunch of people we don't see.  Yar touches some random people, Troi and Data.  Troi touches Riker, who touches Crusher. No one touches Picard, or he catches it much faster than anyone else aboard, and no one touches Worf (Poor, sad, lonely klingon...). 

How the fuck did all thousand plus people on board get touched that everyone was drunk by the end?  

We'll never know. Cause and effect are nearly completely divorced for the most part.  Wesley's tractor beam becomes a repulser when he plugs it into the ship's power, but then converting an existing tractor beam to repulse would take weeks for a trained engineer to do, but he can do it on the fly faster than Data can plug in chips. 

Sigh. Cause, meet Effect. Now, wave goodbye, you'll never see each other again in this show... 

*In purely technical terms, suction is caused when you have a pressure differential, taking stuff from the high pressure side to the low pressure side.  Obviously being 'blown out' is when stuff is carried on a wave of expanding gas.  This means Data engages in the worst sort of grammar nazi behavior, correcting people when they aren't actually wrong. 

** Like the JJ Abrams movies, the first Season of Star Trek: The Next Generation couldn't avoid making obvious references to what came before. This is a serious weakness for the show, and from the writers.  At least in this case we have a reasonably strong case to make that allowing TOS references creates a stronger backstory, unlike in the Abrams movies, where the backstory was wiped away completely.

*** Just to note:  Sick Bay is a big and reasonably important part of the ship. With the size of the crew its more a mini hospital than a small private clinic. Yet Crusher steps out of a door more akin to an office door into a hallway (twenty feet of empty hallway in either direction, with a connector) with no other doors in sight. This is the ghetto of the starship. We've seen major corridors, but this ain't one.  Mind you, part of her duties is trauma, getting large numbers of critically injured people to sick bay for emergency medical response, and she supervises at least a half dozen emergency responders (see Farpoint for an example of this), yet as of this scene, Sickbay is basically a converted crew quarters shoved in an otherwise empty part of the ship, far removed from anything.  I'd love to believe this is the quarantine sickbay, rather than the main sickbay, but given security, it just ain't so...