So... apparently the process of Real Time Reviewing Star Trek has made it nearly impossible for me to watch anything new (or once forgotten) without similarly parsing it... and since it is no fun to parse something without an Audience, you get a new Real Time Review...
Of 47 Ronin.
I am quite familiar with the history of Japan, including the original tale of the 47 Ronin. Its a good story if somewhat alien to our Western Sensibilities, both highly entertaining and illuminating into an entirely different culture. This may color my review somewhat, but this movie is not, I understand, related to the traditional Japanese tale, at all...
So there is some narration, and a really crappy CGI dragon that does nothing. Then a white kid runs through some bamboo. For some reason the Tengu are equated with the unnamed Oni, that is generic demons, but are listed as Demons of the Forest. I won't claim absolute expertise but I thought Tengu were more associated with Mountains? Also... Demons seems a bit of a loose translation.
Anyway: White kid falls into a tiny stream and we can see the "mark of the demon' on him, in the form of some nasty, but natural looking, scars across his scalp. Random Japanese kid goes to drown him, on account of the scars? But white kid pulls the japanese kid's sword before fainting... so pointless?
Old Japanese Samurai tells Japanese kid not to stab white kid. Maybe the Mark of the Demon is being white? Sure.
Anyway, the old guy is Lord Asano (thank you narrator), and I think his Kimono is Fabulous! No, seriously... red isn't really my color, and I'm not keen on robes, but I Want.
So Asano adopts/rescues the white boy, and as the Narrator talks we see him, ten years older but still dressed in rags and still shave headed, still recovering from sleeping in the stream, but on tatami mats. I'm confused. If he is older, why has nothing else changed?
Maybe he isn't older? The lighting change is throwing me off, but there seems to be a forbidden love subplot brewing with Asano's daughter, Mika.
Ok, now time is passing. Apparently everyone but Asano thinks being white is terrible or something, according to the Narrator. Meanwhile, he's grown long greasy hair.
Now he's got long greasy hair and bearded Keanu Reeve's face. Also, I guess his name is Kai and he is all about tracking stuff in the woods, so there is that. An older guy, but not Asano Age, who is also Shingen from The Wolverine, totally asks him his tracker advice, then appears to ignore it. I might have thought he was the japanese kid from earlier, but I think its the younger samurai in the bullet hat next to him.
So, either samurai have special hunting armor, this is set around the time of the Mongol invasion/Ainu Wars, or this is a purely fantasy world with real world terms, because their outfits are not quite familiar. Flashes of Mononoke as some sort of demon boar thing charges the samurai. The old Asano is knocked from his horse and totally tells Shingen to stop coddling him and go kill the damn thing. So I like Asano. Meanwhile a bad CGI white fox looks on. Fox? Kitsune? Hmm...
Oh, look: it has one blue eye. If it means something important its too arcane for me, but it totally looks suspect.
So Keanu runs up to a galloping horse and jumps on its back to keep up with the hunters. I guess the monster is more like some sort of giant (elephant sized?) horned lion-unicorn thing with a whip tail. Alrighty then. Some of the hunters apparently want to sword it to death, which seems suspect, but then again there is precedent of a sort.
Ok, so some of the hunters seem to be wearing more traditional armor. Now I want to see if they are using Tachi instead of Katana for swords, which were more traditional cavalry swords, but I'm not going to strain myself looking for clues here.
So, young Samurai (the stream kid?) runs after the beast solo and tries to hamstring it with a sword (seriously? The swords all look straight, so more ninjato than katana. However that would vaguely support my theory about the era this may be meant to be in, as at least one source suggests the curved samurai sword developed after the failure of the Samurai against the Mongols, due to differences in traditional armor technique between the two groups. ). I was going to let the fight go, but... the thing has six eyes!
Also, climactic scene! Young Samurai is unhorsed and gonna be trampled, but Keanu has caught up to him. He faces off with the beast, seeing the sword on the ground in the ferns between them because, of course. So he runs forward, against the clock, to grab the sword and uses it to gut the beast as it charges him. Because he is heroic and shit.
Anyway, he presents the sword to Young Samurai who says some bullshit about having rather been killed by the beast than saved by a half breed.
Of course, he's a damn liar, since he dodged out of the way when it charged him and Keanu did his sword thing. He could have just sat there and got trampled. Also... halfbreed what? Yes, in real life Keanu is some sort of mongrel halfbreed, but this is old school Japan. What do they think he is half-breed with? Ainu? Sure, that's legit. Portuguese Missionaries? Also legit but suggests a time period. We don't have context here, people! half Tengu? Actually... that would be Boss, even in Racist Japan.
So, Asano and company ride up and praise Young Samurai for his awesome kill, which he accepts, and Shingen slices off a chunk of horn as some sort of trophy, but before walking off he sees Keanu has bloody hands, so he knows the truth. Honestly though? I'm pretty sure the official line in old school Japan was that this is legit. Keanu is clearly a low class servant, and embarrassing everyone by making a case about the truth would be rude. Keanu's silence is honorable here. We'll see how it plays out.
So at some snowy mountain keep some dude is walking. The text on screen helpfully points out that he's the lord of the rival province. Team jerseys are grey vs red I guess?
He orders everyone out of a big room of uncertain purpose, and the fox shows up and turns into... a person? Camera angle is unclear here, we mostly see gold cloth robes upside-down. But yes, a woman with one blue eye walks into the room with Lord Kira. Their brief dialog suggests Kira is responsible for the weird monster.
Cut too a red castle/mansion compound where some guy who could pass for the japanese kid from the first scene reports to Mika that the hunting party is returning. I love the pageantry in all this, the banners, the cherry blossoms. There is no stinting on setting the scene here. Asano clearly knows Mika is looking for Keanu, but he plays it off.
I'm unclear here, since we montaged past a bunch. I am aware that old feudal Japan totally allowed adult adoptions and such, and the Japanese have, to my knowledge, pretty sensible attitudes towards adopted siblings and relationships, so Asano could have totally legitimized this by making Keanu a son, but instead he just put him into some sort of flunky post instead, while letting him hang out with his daughter all the time.
Shingen goes to see his wife while two dudes practice sword fighting nearby. I gather that Young Samurai is Shingen's son and may be one of the two dudes? Someone (YS, probably) wants Shingen's approval but isn't getting it because, well, Shingen. Dude tries to murder his own daughter, for god's sake!
Then its shirtless Keanu by a fire. I don't think he's meant to be sexy here, so if that's your thing don't get your hopes up for this scene. Nothing happens at all, because we cut to a new scene involving women instead, and then to a rainy forest at night. I don't know what any of that means.
Oh, too soon. Mika walking through the rainy forest is going to see shirtless Keanu by his fire. Well then. She's there to play Florence Nightengale for some frippery of a scrape on his shoulder that went unremarked until this scene.
So, Mika knows Keanu killed the beast and totally acts all un-traditional about social places, Keanu does the honorable thing and politely points out that she shouldn't be hanging out in his cabin in the woods and she pulls the chick card...
... you know? From what I understand, in old school Japan there were no real romantic stories. Things like Romeo and Juliet, sure... where everyone dies and people gather that falling in love is bad juju. So, Mika's behavior here is human, but... you know... bad. In context.
And Keanu totally trumps her on her bullshit chick card check. Hah.
So she leaves.
And the Shogun arrives at Red Castle. I guess his symbol is an Eagle? He's got banners with singular birds on them. Again, plenty of gorgeous, but night time, pageantry here. So far I'm giving this movie super high marks on pageantry. Too many movies don't bother, or fake it badly.
Holy shit!
The Shogun is Shang Tsung from Mortal Kombat!!!
Anyway, while the Shogun gives his long winded speech off camera, Keanu lurks around, not invited to the ball, and totally spots the girl with one blue eye in the Asano party and remembers the white fox.
He reports to Shingen, who I guess is ALSO not invited to the ball?
Keanu calls her a witch. Boo. Foxes that change into beautiful woman troublemakers have a proper name here. What is with this movie and its full throated commitment to scene and half throated commitment to myth? Anyway, Shingen blows him off.
So... daylight, more pageantry as Lord Kira, whose team color is more a blue-purple thing than grey, shows up with his guys.
So... everyone is showing up at Asano's crib for some tournament that was previously unmentioned?
So... Lord Kira comes across as some sort of Japanese equivalent to a Bro? Okay... that's a sort of clever characterization. No, I mean he totally doesn't act bro-like, just how a bro might have acted in feudal Japan when everyone had three foot razorblades and a willingness to use them at the drop of a hat.
So, everyone but Young Samurai watches some dudes dance, which must be the preliminaries for the tournament, and the White Fox approaches Young Samurai while he meditates in a tent.
Some dude beats some drums... but he's wearing full armor so WTF? Then some giant Silver Samurai (no shit) steps out in the Blue Team colors. Dude is seven feet tall and fully masked.
Meanwhile, Young Samurai, who I believe was preparing to fight the Silver Samurai, has been poisoned... or as Keanu says, witch crafted.
Oh, god. Plot Contrivance! River Kid tells Keanu there is no time to get Asano, and that if Young Samurai doesn't fight they will be disgraced, because only a samurai can fight Silver Samurai.
Because they are only in the Asano camp with literally dozens of samurai walking around, but no... Keanu (I'm guessing) has to put on the armor and go fight despite being literally the only non-samurai around. Hell, the fucking drum guy is a red-team samurai, for god's sake!
So this is all some really weak plot to embarrass Asano in front of Shang Tsung, since Asano only has one Samurai? Good thing Keanu put the armor on, then!
I'm not sure the rules of this tournament, so from the looks of things its just a simple fight to the death. Good times.
Anyway: Keanu shatters his sword against the arm of Silver Samurai and totally has his helmet backhanded right the fuck off of him. Oops, who saw that jig being up? I did, just not that fast, and also not involving steel swords shattering like glass. Well, high marks for avoiding the usual routes of exposure.
Still? No other samurai, not anywhere to be found?
Anyway: I guess Shang Tsung is full up on Souls for the day, since he stops the fight before Silver Samurai can finish of Keanu. Well... no, after looking at Keanu and declaring he is not a samurai he orders Silver Samurai to 'kill it', so he's been demoted to a thing. Mika, naturally, screams forward shouting no and throwing herself at Keanu. Lord Asano takes the blame, because Japan, motherfucker!
So Shang Tsung orders Keanu stripped and beaten, I guess deferring execution for a day when he is feeling peckish?
Asano hauls his now totally embarrassing daughter away while Shingen gets busy with the stripping and beating portion of the day's ritual. Still, Keanu's unflinching sense of duty must have impressed the Red Samurai guys, cause they totally apologize for beating him down, while Mika continues her histrionics. Why Lord Kira looks so pleased with Keanu's beating is unclear, but maybe he's just enjoying how totally Asano was disgraced in front of Shang Tsung, which was his goal.
Anyway: The Witch does some mixed-signal ritual with Lord Kira in his quarters, that seems to involve making his veins squirt blue ink that she catches like its a fish after more or less convincing him to go full dark side. Why this is a good idea to Lord Kira is not made clear, but apparently he really hates the old dude something fierce.
So, she turns the blue-ink-blood into a really fleshy spider, then we cut to Asano sleeping and she walks by outside his door. So... murder plot by blood spider? There is some unnecessary but showy business with her robe flying around the room until she is on the ceiling lowering the spider. It doesn't bite him so much as leave blue-ink-blood on his lips before turning to dust and blowing away... so needlessly complicated delivery system, check.
All this to make the old guy hallucinate Mika being raped (Safe For Work edition), to make it look like he tries to murder Lord Kira in his sleep.
This leads to Shang Tsung ordering him to commit seppuku. So... this is actually sort of an adaption from the original story then? I mean, the original 47 Ronin were avenging their lord who was forced to commit suicide in disgrace by bullshit political maneuvers in front of the Shogun. Asano explains to Shingen that he's got to do it.
Given how very Japanese everyone is acting, Mika is.... annoying as hell. Even Keanu is selling the whole restrained culture thing, while Mika is wailing histrionics and whatnot in every freaking scene, this time on Asano's way to his execution, with Shingen acting as his second.
Asano dies like a Boss, as the candles in Keanu's cabin blow out.
So Shingen tells the Red Samurai that they can't fight without losing all of Ako, and then more awesome pageantry as they kneel before Shang Tsung, who totally gives Mika to Lord Kira. Ouch.
He gives her one year to mourn, but in Lord Kira's care, and tosses Shingen out as the titular 47 Ronin. He makes some bullshit about healing the breech between their clans, but seeing how he's doing that by picking the official winner and kicking the loser around, I don't think it'll work. So Shang Tsung fails at Politics.
No, seriously: he's not healing any breech here, he's straight up giving the Ako lands, people and heir to their old enemy, and tossing the rest of the Ako clan to the winds. Yeah... they'll totally accept that.
So Lord Kira's first order of business? Exiling the 47 under pain of ignoble death. So, good job Shang Tsung!
His second order of business is mocking Mika's pain by showing her Keanu before hauling him off, so he's not eager to have a happy marriage, clearly.
His third order of business... no, this is literally his first three acts as the new Lord of Ako... is to recinde the exile of Shingen by tossing him in a pit somewhere to 'break his will'.
Cut to one year later and some dude is begin hauled out of a pit. I can't tell if its Shingen or Keanu. I mean, it looks sort of keanu like, but it is Shingen's pit... So I guess Mika is married now?
Ah. It is Shingen. They haul him to a village of poor people, in the rain, and the young dude that totally convinced keanu to wear the armor and fight Silver Samurai, for lack of other available Samurai, runs out and calls him 'father'. I'm missing Young Samurai here, but maybe he was with the 47?
So... Shingen's wife?... exposits that the 47 are gone from Ako and Mika is not yet married, but soon. So, naturally Shingen asks about the halfbreed.
His son says something that sounds like 'The Dutch Island', and clearly 'sold him into slavery', but that gives you an idea how desperate Shingen is here. I'm not clear on the role of slavery in the Dutch efforts in Japan, but there you have it.
Clearly, Shingen's will was not broken by the pit at all, as he demands three horses. Gotta respect the dude's dedication to duty.
Anyway, he tells his wife she has to officially and publicly divorce him to protect herself, and in this one scene offers about a million times more complexity of family vs duty than any episode of Star Trek I've seen, including the ones ostensibly dedicated to that exact theme.
And she goes "Aw Hells Naw. I be a samurai wife. Your duty is mine, sucker!" which, balls, man.
Shingen sends his son with some symbolic dagger to meet 'them' and send 'them' to meet him at black lake, while he rides of to retrieve the half-breed. Clearly their conversation about the Ronin was in code.
So, the Dutch Island is made up of all boats and nothing but boats, which... cool. These guys look more like pirates than merchants, but you saw the trailers I'm assuming.
Anyway, they take him to Keanu, who is fighting an ogre in a big room. There is casual violation of physics, as at one point the ogre snaps a foot thick support timber by pulling through it with his chain like its made of balsa wood... no, even balsa wood has more structural integrity than this... like styrofoam, old rotten styrofoam. Yeah. Also: Ogres.
So, after the fight, when Shingen approaches, somehow Keanu senses him and goes into 'berserk kill mode' or something. Clearly he doesn't have much time for Shingen at the moment. Luckily, just before getting his head cut off, Shingen says the magic word "Mika", which snaps him out of his murder-rage, but only a little bit.
No... wait?
Um... so the second part of Murder-Rage is really secret squirrel talk for 'lets pretend to fight so we can murder our way out of here'? Okay.
So, Shingen and Keanu still have issues to resolve as Shingen lays out the plan as they walk through a burned out forest or something. Its sort of a pointless scene that is nevertheless well done.
Cut to Kira's castle (Kastle?) where he is demonstrating that he is the bad guy but fighting two of his samurai at once, winning and then curb stomping them after he's won.
Hey? Full Kuge makeup on a couple of the women in the background?
Then some dude reports, right in front of Mika, that the half breed escaped the dutch island. This leads to many, many questions because of plot contrivance, like why watch the dutch for so long, why report in front of the one person you know shouldn't be hearing this and so on...
The messenger is clearly terrified of Kira, but I guess he survives the scene. Kira orders the witch to go find and kill Shingen, which again: You had everyone under your power for the last year, but now you want them dead? Clearly you don't suffer a guilty conscience so why wait until they've escaped?
This is the problem with making the bad guy too evil. It makes ordinary human plots a bit difficult to explain.
Anyway, the 47 are happy to see Shingen, but Young Samurai is there and clearly not pleased to see Keanu. Shingen gives the obligatory motivational speech about how they are all gonna die, but damn will it be awesome, while Keanu looks at his favorite Mika trinket.
So, Shingen has a plan, and he directs the men appropriately. I'll say this, the man's got some leadership chops. Apparently they need the rest of the 47, since not all of them are here, and they need swords, since... yeah? No swords? Okay.
Young Samurai makes his move against Keanu here, so I'm wondering if he is part of the 47 tally or will go traitor, but Shingen points out that punkign the half breed is pointless when they are just ronin, not Samurai at all.
Traditionally I believe the story calls them the 47 Samurai, not Ronin, because they were honored in death with their traditional rank, and because they did, in fact, serve their master even beyond death.
So, Shingen goes to Uetsu, the Village of Swordmakers to get him some good steel, but apparently Kira anticipated this and has burned it down and killed the sword makers? That seems a bit... extreme. Anyway, there are Purple Samurai in the village, but they're pretty oblivious to twenty guys on horses riding up. For some reason Shingen makes the obvious approach, and claims to be farmers, but his pretty son has soft hands, so the lead purple Samurai doesn't buy it. This triggers another Murder-Rage from Keanu, only for the side of good. He solos the five samurai and arrows the sixth and last one to death with a purple samurai bow.
Even Shingen is shocked, but they loot the dead. Well, that's six sets of swords down.
Then the Witch has a brief scene with Mika to explain that Kira is going to rule all of Japan.
Then its Keanu standing in the rain and Shingen comes out to talk to him about going to another village of sword makers. Keanu has a 'nah bro' moment. They should go to the awesomely named Sea of Trees, the Tengu forest, so all that opening narration wasn't begin wasted on atmospherics.
So, getting to the Sea of Trees means riding past a giant budda carved out of a hillside.
Cut to the brothel where one of the 47 is trying to get more information on Lord Kira's movements, with no real luck until he notices one particular girl. Oh no! She has one blue eye!
Cut to bamboo forest, Keanu exposits about ghosts, and they walk up to a giant budda head lying on the ground like Cloverfield came through the neighborhood recently. Keanu and Shingen enter the cave under the Buddahead, giving you an idea how big it is, leaving everyone else outside.
So: Keanu tells Shingen to, no matter what, not draw his sword, then walks among what appears to be the creepy yellow monk guys from the Trailer, and into another cave where a single unsheathed sword is standing on its tip in a pool of light making magic sounds.
The Tengu are... weirdly skinless buddists? I guess it could be seen as a red faced bird eyed man with a biggish sort of nose... but definitely not a traditional depiction.
Shocking no one, Young Samurai leads the others into the cave and draws his sword, so the kneeling Tengu attack. Something about the scene leads me to believe it is an illusion meant to tempt Shingen. In the other room Keanu reveals he knows Tengu ghost movement. And... Shingen's illusion is over and now the kneeling Tengu have swords waiting for him to take, I guess.
Anyway, there is some business about the coolness of the Swords. I officially like Fat Samurai.
At the farmhouse of meeting, the Brothel Samurai reports that Lord Kira moves tonight, but since he was talking to the witch, we know its gotta be a trick.
Shingen forces his son to stay behind with Old Samurai, and we cut to Kira riding out to meet Mika and announce he is going to his shrine, so...
Night. The Shrine appears to be a bunch of Wicker Men in the middle of nowhere. Um...okay? Kira turns around and is the witch instead, and she burns up her patsy with magic. The Ambush is sprung, lots of arrows and fire that makes it hard to see, but the 47 are not off to a good start here. Fat Samurai picks up his buddy and pretty much ignores the arrows to carry him, while Keanu and Shingen use their swords to deflect arrows like the bosses they are as the survivors (five? Six?) manage to gather together. Silver Samurai walks into the fire like a boss and cuts down a slow moving survivor that everyone loves.
They don't show how the survivors get out of the circle of fire, we just see the witch pick up a burnt tengu sword from a corpse with the Silver Samurai attending sometime later.
She presents it to Kira and we learn it was the loved dude's sword, which was Shingen's sword before he got a tengu sword, so everyone thinks Shingen is dead now.
Still... pointless and non-heroic way to trim the numbers down, huh?
So the Witch wakes up Mika to report the half-breed is dead, so she clearly thinks no one escaped? She's got the sort of psycho-lesbian girlfriend vibe going on in these scenes. Anyway: I guess her goal is to get Mika to kill herself because she promised Kira not to kill Mika? Clearly Mika has better plans for the dagger the Witch left her, and good for her. I guess the death of Asano really turned her into a proper hard case.
So, Fat Samurai is dying of Arrows at the Farm of Meeting. He makes a confession to throwing rocks a Keanu as a boy, and Keanu says he always knew because he could see Fat Samurai's belly. I'm glad Fat Samurai is getting a good death.
I think Young Samurai is broken up by this, but its hard to tell if its him.
Based on the people shown in the next scene, I guess the 47 are the survivors of the ambush. Keanu sees some sort of procession and calls for Shingen. The procession are performers heading to do a show for Kira, and Shingen seems to recruit them.
Then Young Samurai apologizes to Keanu for being a punk and gives him a sword so he'll be a proper samurai with two. For a supernatural revenge flick, this is really character driven.
So, Shingen gives another little speech and everyone signs their names to a document, a record of their plan. So, yes: These are the 47. Those other poor saps killed in the ambush? Not 47. Too bad for them.
So: The witch sucks at fortune telling.
So the head performer is with the 47 as they pretend to be... lets call them actors. Its simpler that way.
Mika in her wedding dress gives moderately good bitch face to Lord Kira. You just know she's got a dagger on her with his name on it. So... the wedding is going to happen at night? Seems legit. Dramatic lighting is just a bonus, right?
Ok, so only some of the 47 went in as performers, so while the show goes on the rest climb the entire mountain. These guys are old school vengeance takers. None of this new fangled shit. Up hill both ways in the snow, man!
So, while the climbers ninja there way through the castle (classic story element here), Shingen has the balls to be on stage with the real actors. Mika is the only one to twig, so maybe there is some code going on?
The Witch starts to twig to something, but the ninjaing is top notch. Fuck that Last Samurai bullshit, this is how its done. Shingen almost gets Kira before Kira even knows he's under attack, and thats from twenty feet away on stage, that's how serious this ninjaing is, man. Only one lucky guard survives his ninjaing (that one samurai had three to kill with just a held arrow at once, so its a minor failure) long enough to disrupt his attack with an arrow.
So the 47 hold the keep portion of the castle? They've got the high ground and are merc'ing fools with arrows like its going out of style until the Silver Samurai just bums rushes the closed gate. Like we ever thought he was actually human, right?
Anyway, he prepares to solo about twenty of the 47 while Keanu tries to catch up (since he was in the yard with Shingen). That's ok, because Keanu and Shingen are busy merc'ing the entire Purple Samurai Army by themselves. Then Silver Samurai is blowed up by a bomb in the powder room and it looks like his armor was empty all along.
Mika pulls her knife but she sucks at knife fighting. Well, she is a proper lady, but really that is a skill I'd expect a proper lady of any culture to have. Women are vicious, man...
Still, she's good enough to escape if not actually cut anyone, and Kira runs for it, taking the opposite route she did. Of course, why Mika ran when Keanu was right there like a Boss with the sword, I'm not sure.
Outside the 47 are totally owning this revenge shit. Old Samurai is cutting dudes up with a spear, Shingen's kid does a half dozen with a bow from five feet, which isn't impressive marksmanship but is damned impressive for balls, then pulls his sword and commences to cutting. Even Young Samurai is making sure the Purple Samurai Army won't be conquering any new lands in the near future.
Mika and Keanu catch up in a snowy, pillar filled courtyard, so you just know this is where the witch will show up. She does, trailer occurs, then she turns into a flying dragon serpent. Keanu sends Mika back bit and totally prepares to make dragon fillet for dinner.
Meanwhile Shingen and Kira find each other on opposite sides of a wooden wall and proceed to commence the cutting regardless of niceties like lines of sight or innocent objects in the way. Which: Badass.
But back to Keanu: Keanu ignores faux dragon breath, then back to Shingen, who I just noticed is wearing his team colors! Clever with the acting bit, letting him have Red Pants. The fights cut back and forth. Shingen just picks Kira right the fuck up and body slams him through four or five walls, then he totally guts him with the symbolic dagger, which must be the one Asano killed himself with earlier. That is how you get revenge, my friends. Keanu? Not so lucky. Dragon just starts batting him around like a cat with a ball of yarn. Then the dragon goes for Mika, so Keanu can pull out his sweet Tengu Ghost moves and stab the dragon in the head.
Outside, Shingen totally Conan's Kira's head to stop the Purple Samurai Army from getting too badly embarrassed. The 47 march out like the Bosses they are as the rest of the Purple Samurai kneel in respect for how badly they just got totally owned.
They march through the local village, where everyone respects. There is a nice touch with Shingen's wife, reminding us that these characters have lives beyond Revenge and Duty, and how serious business this all is.
They take Kira's head all the way to Red Castle and to Asano's grave.
Then Shang Tsung shows up to point out that he specifically ordered them not to do that. Shingen points out that, yeah... that was a bullshit order he was never gonna obey.
Even Shang Tsung has to respect how Boss the 47 are, so he lets them do the whole samurai death thing and be buried with Asano, and even Shingen gets a manly tear of manliness at that.
So, Keanu and Shingen share a cup of tea at Asano's grave, and they talk about how awesome a Samurai Lady Mika is, then Keanu and Mika share a tender, silent moment. Then Mika sort of ruins it with some heavy handed stuff about love and the next world. Its not bad, but I think silence would have been better.
So the 47 prepare for mass suicide before Shang Tsung. I like that Keanu is stuck off in the mass of guys. This movie got some flack for his casting, but I think it was misguided, though given the trailers understandable. He isn't the Hero, that's Shingen (who was the japanese kid at the spring in the beginning, if I got the names right). Anyway, Shang Tsung pulls Shingen's son from the group since Shingen is that Boss at this whole Samurai thing, and basically says he's gotta keep one Shingen alive to be that Boss for next time.
Which: damn. I mean, killing yourself with a knife to the stomach is no picnic, as I well know (don't ask...), but not dying alongside your comrades in honor? Tough call, but orders are orders. Still, its gotta be a bit of a burn.
So they all die, no second to cut off their heads, but they've got this whole Samurai thing beat, so no big. Cut to Mika on the bridge where she was all super-weepy when the Old Man did it, where now she is stoic and boss, but they sort of prove my point about not talking earlier, since Keanu's last letter thing is just a repeat of what he said to her the night before.
And End.
This movie is, for lack of a better word, gorgeous. Its got pageantry and gorgeous scenery. Sure, some of the monster special effects are crap, but that is forgivable.
Most of all, while it is an american film it pays massive respects to the original story. Keanu is a minor player, really, his job is to counteract the supernatural Witch and to give us a sort of timeless love story of the sort we don't see often... doomed but hopeful.
Let me say this: It is honest. Even with the addition of supernatural elements, and some of the fast and lose stuff with the historical setting, particularly some of the costumes, it is deeply respectful of the source material and the people of Japan. I don't know how they see it of course, I can only take it in the spirit it was clearly offered. This is history offered up through a lens of Legend and Myth, it is larger than life... and since the original is already larger than life it has to go even bigger.
The fact that no high handed judgments of the duty, of the suicide, is made... in fact it is treated as appropriate... is important. Too many movies want to take the western point of view about such topics, to stand superior to their subjects. This is part of the reason we complain about The Last Samurai. Keanu isn't there to translate the culture for us, to whitewash Japan. He's there to serve the story, the outsider whose eventual acceptance is earned as part of a fraternity, to show how they grow together. He is little different in this regards than Toshiro Mifune's character in the Seven Samurai.
Another point I make is that the Tengu Swords are not used in such a way to detract from the heroism of the 47, which makes their addition to the story inoffensive. Keanu claims that their special power is to cut... in other words that they are swords, and that is how they are used, interchangeably with the other swords the Samurai already have. No one ever says "use your tengu sword to kill him!", and the witch doesn't complain that Keanu uses a Tengu Sword against her. Its steel, it cuts.
And that is how it should be, the tools in service to the men using them and not the other way around.
Likewise: It is almost an entirely character driven movie, despite the various supernatural bits and the big fight scenes. When Loved Samurai bites it, we know who he is, and even if not well enough to care personally, enough to understand why the characters care. Fat Samurai's death is moving, and even unlikeable characters are not treated as plot pieces to be shoved around according to some scripted role. Young Samurai dies with the rest at the end, a hero and we care. We respect him as a character, flawed but still heroic.
But this is Shingen's Movie, it really is. Because you can't make a movie about 47 guys, no matter how much each one deserves it. Shingen is tested by the Tengu and proves worthy, Keanu is merely his guide along the way. Shingen is the one who faces failure, who doubts himself. Shingen has the family that must sacrifice for his Duty, the son that will do anything for his respect, and gets it in the end, the wife who will sacrifice along with him if that is her duty because she understands and respects his code, his beliefs.
So we have an American Movie with a non-american story, non-american morals and values, and a non-american hero, and it is good, great.
It is devoid of cynicism and of politics, and is a much better movie for it.
* For the slow: Shingen refers to the Actor's character in The Wolverine. His name in this film is Oshii. Likewise, Shang Tsung is the Shogun, but I refer to his role in Mortal Kombat. I am not inclined to explain this, but since I do love this film I felt I should be a little more helpful than usual. Yes, I regularly refer to actors by roles I've seen them in before rather than by name. Technically Keanu should be either Ted or Neo, but frankly I didn't think of that while watching because, even as Neo he is Keanu, and Ted is a bit dated. Wyld Stallions, motherfucker.
** For the Slow I also offer that I had not seen the film at all, and had only seen passing reviews of it, before I started this RTR. Even my closing commentary is spontaneous and unresearched, without artifice, so you're getting it unfiltered. Had I watched it first, then RTR'd I would have started in with Fat Samurai earlier (when Keanu got his beating), and probably had a different name for Young Samurai, who isn't really that Young, but I was still working out who Shingen was at that time, and he was younger than Asano and Shingen, which was good enough. Also, I really wanted to comment on Asano's hair. Oh... oh god, the hair. Trust me, I've spared you.
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