Showing posts with label Geekery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Geekery. Show all posts

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

ST: TNG Datalore


Ah, A Data Episode, the First Data Episode in fact.   There is a lot of good will among Star Trek fans for these Episodes, as Brent Spiner was among the highlights of the regular cast, a full analysis of which is possibly long overdue, but sadly will not occur here.   Given his lack of standout performances outside of TNG (and no, his bizarre hick from Night Court does not count as a standout performance...), I think it is safe to say that it is less Brent Spiner's ability as an actor, his charisma or insight into character or comedic timing, and more a confluence of coincidence that led to a perfect storm.  Data is, in essence, the right role for the right actor at the right time in history on the right show, who happened to get the right writing...

Not necessarily great writing, mind you.  Perhaps we should leave the writing out of this and suggest instead that, for reasons opaque to us humble reviewers, Spiner was given the exact amount of freedom necessary to make Data such a fun character and not an ounce more by the directors. 

But enough of that, on with the Episode.

Captain's Log: The Enterprise happens to be on a mission near where Data was found, his home world, and Picard has a few spare hours to spend before they head to their next mission.  Neither mission will be expanded. I find the rate of missioning to be a curious element, as a close inspection of the show, such as I have been doing, suggests that events must progress at a some what languorous rate given the distances involved.  In 'The Battle' we learn that Maxia-Zeta is a full day of communication Lag with with Subspace radio to the nearest outpost, and in The Traveller episode we learn that Subspace Radio is roughly six times faster than 'full warp', putting Maxia Zeta a week outside of contact... and that is a system the Federation had explored at LEAST a decade earlier, so hardly new wilderness of space.  Further, the Enterprise regularly travels from mission to mission at a rate significantly lower than maximum, or even maximum cruising speed (call it roughly warp 7, while Picard frequently calls for warp two point something or three point something... so half of cruising speed). 

In short, the Enterprise takes weeks between missions, and may in fact spend weeks in any given episode, silently marking time out of sight of the Audience while the tedious business of 'crossing space' is undertaken. 

Now, if the Enterprise had an unrelated mission in this star system (something they can cross in mere hours instead of weeks), they could, in theory, have days to explore the world without particularly 'lagging', and exploration is part of their remit.  Exploratory missions must, by their very nature, but somewhat open ended and 'free'. If you know what the explorers are going to encounter then why send them, right?  So we might instead conclude that the Enterprise was merely in the stellar neighborhood and took a few extra days to get here, and will take a few extra days to make up the difference, which means they are cutting things really tight on their month long timetable... odd enough.

Or, you know, writers of Science Fiction never bother to actually work out timelines? 

Anyway:

There is a bit of speculation between Riker and Picard that Data wants to be alone because emotions or something. 

Instead it turns out he is attempting to Sneeze.  Leaving aside that this is really an excuse for Spiner to mug for the camera with his fake sneeze face, it is fundamentally stupid. 

Data wishing to learn how to laugh? Sure, I'll buy that.  I'd postulate that Data can, in fact, laugh perfectly by simply imitating people flawlessly (as he does when plot relevant), but he's attempting to learn to laugh for himself, when appropriate.

A sneeze is not a laugh. Its not an expression of emotion. Its a physiological response to biological (not social) stimulus. Further, if Data were to suddenly decide that being more human meant perfectly mimicking such involuntary responses such as Sneezing, inappropriate erections and drooling (to name three random like actions), I submit that the goofy mugging Spiner is doing would not be how he went about doing it.  In fact, I think Sneezing shouldn't be much more difficult for Data than blinking or making his mouth move while he talks...  

But there you have it. 

Because the show had no idea what it's tone was supposed to be. 

Enter Space Jesus, making this scene a perfect shitstorm of things that make TNG suck.  There is some business about having a cold (a disease people USED to get, like headaches), and Data assuming Space Jesus is referring to the adjective.  We do learn that Data has some difficulty prioritizing, as he apparently finds sneezing equally fascinating as being at his home world... which is fine except one he can do whenever he likes and the other is... right the fuck now or go pound sand. 

This is not hard. Of course, in theory Data is merely taking advantage of the fact that a starship traveling through space is not, in fact, at his home world right this moment...

But Space Jesus reveals that once again he is going about this whole Ensign business the wrong way, since he's really there to deliver a message from the Captain (and again: Comm badges? They use them constantly, but not in this scene?)

And end scene and, I believe the very last time someone thought it was a good idea to show Data trying to sneeze.  Someone tell the writer that this should have been used in the plot resolution later if they really needed to have it.

Back on the Bridge Yar reveals that the planet lacks all life, not even plant life, and Picard exposits that when the found Data there was farmland.  This isn't just Plot Relevant information, but is also Review Relevant!  There will be a quiz later. 

Data and Space Jesus arrive and Riker asks(???) Data to take the ship into orbit, but Data turns him down (??? not an order I guess?), so Space Jesus relieves the Uniform Skirt girl on the helm.  There is a tiny continuity issue, as she walks towards the back of the bridge, but when the camera cuts to Picard, Riker and Data, standing right over the helm, she is nowhere to be seen and we don't here a Transporter in the background.  She should be passing right behind them in that shot.  And no, I probably would never have noticed if I wasn't playing 'Spot the Skirts' with this show. 

They use Data's confusion over the term "home sweet home" as a jumping off point to exposite that Data has the composited memories of four hundred colonists from this world.  That's... new information and really muddles the issue of Data's issue with human behavior.  It clearly explains his random collection of trivia I suppose, but then makes hash of his difficulty contexutalizing human behavior. Also, I feel obligated to point out that Data is not only twenty years old, but he is twenty years of adulthood, lacking the decade or so of incapacity that plagues biological humans, making him closer to thirty. Officially, that makes him one of the slowest learning Starfleet officers we've ever seen, and that includes Picard!  Seriously: At his age he should be a little less 'childish wonder', don't you think?

Gah. I was wrong about the sneezing. Data references his lack of fundamental knowledge of sneezing on the bridge. Of course I can't expect Picard, of all people, to explain to Data that sneezing is not something people 'Know' or 'Not Know'... there is no ignorance of sneezing, per se. 

So Data's fundamental category error continues to remain uncorrected. But at least he doesn't do another of those horrible fake sneezes.

Picard tells Riker to assemble an away team, duh, then remarks about how he'd really like to go but for Riker, making an official reappearance of the trope that Kirk must have been a bad captain for always leaping into danger... which is true after a fashion. This is also Review Relevant. 

Lets review something: This is an apparently lifeless world with no known looming danger.  What exactly is the objection to the Captain going on This Particular away mission?   Once again, we establish that Ship Captains in general, or Picard in particular, have become some sort of coddled and protected class that must be kept from any harm (thus justifying, among other things, the aggressive body guarding by Yar and Worf even on notionally diplomatic missions to acquire Medicine, say...).  If it weren't for the constant 'threats' to promote Riker to captain of some other ship I'd say that clearly 'Ship Captain' is some sort of Federation Noble Title, rather than a job description, and Riker would never, ever be promoted. Perhaps Riker is some sort of squire to Picard?   I mean, in the Battle I suggested that the Writers clearly struggled with the Idea that Picard could have ever held a rank other than Captain.

We know this isn't true, but damn me if it doesn't look attractive as a theory this early in the show's run. It also helps explain how Janeway managed to make Captain, and how she not only survived her inevitable trial for gross criminal negligence in her duties, but managed to get promoted to Admiral (above even Picard, who never showed half the incompetence of Janeway....), while the highly practical Cisco wound up with the 'reject duty' of sitting boss on a mere outpost station that didn't even belong to the Federation in a strictly technical sense.  Clearly Cisco earned his stripes but lacked the family connections of Picard, and Picard lacked Janeway's pure bloodline (or something)...

Ok, ok... enough joking about a nonexistent Federation Nobility... for now. 

Riker does explain that the Colony did disappear.  Now, I'm having a bit of a time with this, having seen every episode, the movies and yes, read Memory Alpha.  I'm well versed in the lore of the show regarding Data, but... 

As of this episode I can't recall that any of this was 'old hat'.  That is to say, until Riker's line just here its only vaguely known from Context that the colony disappeared at some point.  Checking Farpoint briefly I can find no real hints of Data's history other than his graduating class as Starfleet Academy. I am reasonably sure Dr Soong was mentioned at some point prior to this episode, but I wouldn't put money on it. 

In short, we are getting a crash course in character development here, making this episode weaker that it appears looking back.  So what we've got so far is that Data was found on this world some twenty years earlier, that there was farmland, but no colonists (411 at least), and now there is still not colonists, but now no plant life either and nobody knows anything.

So: A federation colony of 400 people just vanishes without explanation and the Federation just shrugged and moved on without investigating? I mean, sure, they had a cool new robot to show for it, but still!

Riker's Log:

Standard Star Trek bleak planet terrain, though getting better. Less open sandy expanses of sound stage and more painted styrofoam rocks.  I find it highly amusing, however, that as Riker's voiceover says "Completely Dead World" the Camera is panning over fake trees.... complete with leaves. Sure, they are scrubby, spindly things, but leaves! Leaves pretty much implies living trees, especially after twenty years of being dead. Living trees are not 'completely dead'.  Ergo ipso sum, and some other nifty sounding latin gibberish. 

Also, tall stands of golden grass peeking around the rocks. Sure, dead grass, I guess? But given the utter lack of life (again: Twenty years!), down to soil bacteria that just seems out of place. Did someone forget to tell the set dresser?

So, as SOP for an away team, at least in classic Star Trek (less so for TNG), Yar pulls out a tricorder... amusingly, however, she isn't taking any readings but checking that they've got HBO from the Enterprise.

And Riker, for the FOURTH TIME in this episode, points out that this world is dead instead of farmland.

Fuck, man. We get it. The world is dead. Weird, huh? Maybe the Plot is involved?

Mind you, even counting the two and a half minute opening title, this is only five and a half minutes in. 

Riker asks Data if he remembers any of this, which strikes me as somewhat... off, as Data was found deactivated (but... activated as soon as he was found? Wandered about building topographical map? Eh, I'm verging on getting ahead of myself here...)

LaForge, meanwhile, totally VISORs the shit out of the dirt and determines that, despite a lack of even bacteria that it was once Farmland twenty to thirty years ago. How, exactly, I'm not sure. Organic residue in the soil? But without bacterial decay... man, VISOR is better than House and CSI combined!  We'll let it pass, however, since he doesn't give us much to work with.

Data reveals he was found exactly 26 years ago (see my comment about his long learning curve on being human...).  LaForge says that everything was dead or dying when Data was found, which calls into question the abilities of the crew of the Tripoli (the ship that found Data in the first place...) if they failed to notice that. Trees? Sure, I can understand failing to notice, visually, that a tree has died recently. They can be tricky that way, but farmlands and crops? Dead crops, even living but somewhat sickly crops tend to stand out.  But... 

Anyway, Data points, and people move away from the dirt to the rocks where Data was found. There are some neatly carved steps in the fake stone that is dressed to look raw, which is a 'huh?' sort of thing, but trivial. So, the Set Dresser was obviously from the B Team here.  Anyway, the steps lead to a big stone slab in front of a very shallow cave or niche.  The slab is where Data was found. 

I will note that absolutely nothing on this world, with the exception of the steps and the slab appear worked by human hands. No buildings appear even in the matte painted background, and the rocky terrain where the steps are would appear more like a dry riverbed than 'rich farmlands' which leads to all sorts of questions about Federation Colonial Procedures. 

Data was apparently coated with a layer of dust, implying he was lying there for some time before he was found. How much dust might be relevant, but is sadly unavailable. Clearly, since this is a dusty outdoors environment we can assume he means to imply more than simple wind borne debris that he might accumulate within a few minutes on a typical day so we are talking at least a few weeks or months, though I suspect the writers intend to suggest 'A Long Time', so Months to Years. This is, however, impossible, as I will later discuss. 

So, while everyone goes all poetically nostalgic on Data's birthplace, LaForge VISORs the shit out of the rocks and reveals that it was only cleverly disguised to LOOK like natural stone.  This begs the question 'Why?', and we will be given half the answer, eventually.  

Mind you, the entire area is maybe twenty or thirty feet to a side, the niche LaForge is looking at is five or six feet from the Slab where Data was found, and the Tripoli 'landing party' (instead of away team? So they shuttled down instead of transported? Its irrelevant as far as I can tell, but still a curious change of phrase) failed to find the hidden catch that leads to a vast underground complex... right fucking there? 

Least curious ship crew ever?  Hey look! A mysterious signal brought us to this planet! And.. a Robot! Wow! Ok, so that's solved, lets go home, guys.

Not one tricorder reading on the planet, no investigation of the area where the robot was found, no attempt to address the problem of the missing colonists? Just: hey, a robot! Awesome.  Nap time.

Sigh.

I mean: Its not like LaForge goes on about how very subtle it all is. No, he points to all these signs about how rushed the effort was, clearly expecting the non-VISOR crew to see whatever clues he is pointing too.  This leads to Data having a worthless memory. Since he doesn't know what they were hiding from (LaForge already pointed out they were Hiding), all he can say is that their fear of discovery (People who are hiding generally don't want to be discovered), led to their putting memories into him (which... we already knew he had their memories, which was just revealed this episode, so he has resolved exactly zero mysteries here...)

LaForge, clearly bored with Data's memory, opens the door to the compound. Heh.

I like how Riker finds the Star Trek Light Switch and turns the whole compound on. Yar tricorders that there are no life readings here either, in case you thought the locals were just sleeping.  They all walk for a while as the mood music plays the theme of mildly tense mystery, until they come to a random door which, as it happens, is also the only plot relevant room in the entire joint.

No, seriously, what is the map of this place? This one hallway that happens to lead to the outside just leads to the one room where the colonists hid all the shit that might be interesting to random star fleet personnel?  411 people called this compound home, but the one and only room the crew checks out on camera holds, in order, Dr Soong's workstation, Lore, and a child's drawing of the Crystalline Entity (most banal monster of the week name ever. Clearly no one was trying very hard at this point...).  This is just bad staging, folks.  I mean, even in Naked Now Riker sent people to other rooms. Sure, we only ever see LaForge in one room, but there was at least some notion of other parts of the ship, Yar reporting over the comm badge that she was in engineering and so forth.  Here the entire away team walks through apparently featureless hallways (we can't see if they pass doors or not) until they arrive at one room, they all go in and find... everything that matters to the plot, and... that's it.

Eh. Back to the real-time review I guess. 

So. No dust. Apparently there are roombas running around for the last twenty six years.  Good to know the Federation keeps their colonies clean, regardless of their lack of regard for the actual lives of the colonists. 

We see lots of sciencey stuff, including blinking neon rods.  

We get a close up of some childish drawings of... well.. the apocalypse.  Riker is apparently utterly unaware of what normal childish drawings look like because all he says is 'Posted by proud parents'?

Seriously: You can clearly see little people running with looks of terror on their cartoony little faces, stick figures being thrown about by explosions of some sort and so forth, all around either the worlds most evil looking sun or some vast alien entity of possibly crystalline construction. Hmm... what could it be?  Just another day in the life of billy, age five. You know how it goes.  This also triggers a Data Memory, and God will I love it when they leave this planet so Data can stop saying that.

If only because each one is fucking useless, full of Troi-esque levels of vague banality.  

"Hmm.. I remember something. Yes, this was something terrible and dangerous, but I have no idea what it represents"

Or

"I feel like this ferengi might be greedy and selfish. Also, I think he's looking at my tits." 

Thank you, captain obvious. 

I get that they don't want to reveal too much, too early... though why exactly they think THIS is the big secret that needs to be kept I have no idea... but I think they are taking it a bit too far. 

Data does go on to remember (triggered by the kid drawings for no reason whatsoever!) that 'this is Dr Soong's work station.  I know, I mentioned that, but Riker's response is informative. 

Riker is clearly surprised to hear that name and has to verify the Dr Soong in question is the one he's heard of (Noonian, of course), which not only tells us that Dr Soong is somewhat famous, but also that prior to this moment no one had any idea who built Data.   Data 'remembers' that Dr Soong travelled under a false name (which, why? I am getting ahead here, but he was an embarrassed, disgraced scientist, not a criminal or fugitive.  He was the guy who said "I shall build awesome robots!" and then went, "I have failed to build awesome robots, I must... hide my face in shame, travel under fake names to some forgotten backwater colony and continue working on my awesome robots scheme!"  It makes no sense. What, does the Federation deny passports to colonies for guys who fail to deliver their awesome robots on schedule?)

Data, a robot with curiosity (if not emotion?), and no real knowledge of his origins, has apparently never looked up contemporary robotics scientists in federation history, ever.  Every member of the crew has something to add to the exposition about who Dr Soong was (mind you, he went missing more than 26 years ago! in disgrace no less...), for Data's benefit, yet Data clearly knows the name from his memory. One would think that if, while in the course of researching roboticists he came across this clearly not-obscure name it would have triggered a memory.

No? 

Moving on: One of points of exposition, from YAR of all people... ms "I grew on on a post-apocalyptic world with Rape Gangs and only escaped as a young adult and went into Security because I clearly have no business running a starship"... establishes that Dr Soong's big project was... the Positronic Brain (from Aasimov, whom she name checks as well. Clearly the best defense against Rape-gangs was being a lit-nerd!)... and I am positive that Data's Positronic Brain was already established before this episode. 

So: Some few years (at most) before Data is found, Dr Soong proclaims he will invent the Positronic Brain. Clearly this is something he should have been able to do over a long weekend brainstorm, since when he fails to deliver this new invention, he is so disgraced that he is laughed out of the scientific community, is forced to change his name and take refuge on a distant colony of only four hundred and ten people (Counting children? I think not...), which is a bit like retreating to Forks, Washington because you are clumsy-pretty. Or not.  A few years later someone finds a really cool robot on some distant missing colony world, and hey! Its got a positronic brain and no one, not one person, in the 26 intervening years said to themselves "What about that crazy Soong guy? Wasn't he working on positronic brains around that time?" 

Ugh. 

Now, once this bit of idiocy is played out Riker sends Yar and Worf to explore the corridor. No, literally, he tells them to see where the corridor leads.  This means its now time for LaForge to VISOR the shit out of the room while Riker reveals that this is where they put Skin on Data.  Yar reports in, in what has to be the fastest exploration EVER that the compound is full of empty beds (see? Nothing of plot relevance exists outside this one room), as LaForge finally VISORs the shit out of Lore.

They open the wall, the fog of slow revealing parts to show... body parts!  I like how Lore's legs are placed ass towards the audience... given that we know, in slightly excruciating detail, that Data is no Ken Doll, this is actually the in-offensive choice.  Riker asks the smart question "how many Datas are there', but LaForge foolishly points out that there are just enough parts for one. That's a remarkably literal reading of the question, and somewhat insulting to Riker's intelligence (not that, you know, he's been sharp as the proverbial tack in this episode...). 

LaForge's Response also sets up what will be a minor recurring theme in this episode, that of everyone struggling around the concept of insulting Data accidentally with 'It'. I'll explore it as it comes up in more detail, of course.

Data picks up a really, really, bad fake Data head. He asks a weird question: "Could this be another me, or possibly my brother?" 

Its redundant. Clearly the question is not that there might be two Datas... twenty six years of life experiences, at a minimum, separate them at that point, and existentially they would have separate existences in separate bodies regardless of how similar their memories and mentation were.  Notional relationships grounded in biology are irrelevant, thus the use of 'Brother' is purely symbolic... and functionally identical to 'Another Me'.  Thus the question is 'weird'. 

Riker answers it seriously, rather than treating it as clearly rhetorical. Bah.  

I'm not going to fisk every line of dialog in this scene, but its all bad. Some of the ideas underlying the various sentences are fine, even good... and the delivery is professional.  But.. the writing, oh god, the writing! 

Captain's Log

Shots of Chief Engineer Argyle (Him again? NOOOOOO!!!!!) in a dark laboratory with Lore parts stored in pickle jars for some reason... not pickle jars precisely, but clearly being preserved in fluid. This despite their twenty six years of dry storage just fine. Little late, guys. Data looks on nervously.

Argyle, and the extras, are clearly bad engineers. They handle the various robot parts (and these are big, whole unit pieces here, with clear connection points and flanges) like silverback gorillas handling  an erector set. I half expect to hear them start Ooking and banging pieces on tables.  Seriously, inside Lore (and presumably Data) there are flat panels closing off various sub parts with quick connect ports to link them. Data's foot is fucking plug-n-play, for gods sake. For that matter, so is his head. This leads to very interesting questions about the design of space robots, but I'll let them go except to note that Data has very little structural integrity apparently.  He should fly apart like C-3PO when shot.  Hell, moresoe, as C-3PO was clearly built around a more or less organic skeletal framework with lots of interlinkages. 

Also: seams. Lore, and therefore presumably Data, has clear seams, mold flashing, where his skin was joined. Not little ones either, we're talking half inch wide seams on every part of his body. Presumably at some point Data went about shaving down the obvious ones on his Neck and Hands, but for all his 'fully functional' comments, a naked Data is probably pretty unsexy the way a stripped doll tends to be. 

Again, no one really uses Comm badges, as Doc, of all people, tells Data he's needed at the staff meeting, or whatever.  Now, clearly this is due to staging scenes for filming. MacFadden is needed in the lab set for future scenes which will be filmed 'now', as is Spiner, but it just plays weird.  Spiner isn't leaving the set to go to the briefing room set, he just pretends to, before they film the next lab scene. But it plays weird.  Why is the doctor delivering messages for the captain in person when the have perfectly good intercom systems available to them? 

Anyway, Argyle comes over so Data can ask if Lore can be assembled, and Argyle admits that the Federation doesn't know jack and shit about Robots, bro. Data accepts this (because why would he have a vested interest in ensuring the crew of his own ship could repair him if he broke down? Don't be silly!), and Argyle gets all shy about asking to look at Data's parts, then Doc gets all awkward about asking to look at Data's parts and I got all awkward about wanting to punch the writer in the face on general principle. 

Cut to (at last) the Briefing room where Picard is assuring Riker that bringing Spare Data Parts on board is a good idea. 

Not that he'd ever express it that way, of course... just pointing out how ridiculously unnecessary that comment was, but the writers needed an 'ongoing conversation' for Data to walk in on, I guess, and that was it.  

Now it's Riker's turn to play bashful, asking about Lore's Parts. Seriously? These fucking guys.

Now LaForge takes his turn, but at least he is asking about turning Lore on... hmm... no, that's not really better, is it?

Picard at last has had enough of the bashful date routine.  No, this is funny. First, he assumes (asserts?) that Data feels awkward about Lore, which is unfounded as far as the Audience is concerned, then he points out that everyone else's awkwardness is illogical (HEE!!! That's been MY point!!!), effectively lamp shading the terrible writing that went into the preceding four or five lines of dialog. 

Unfortunately the next few lines are mostly padding. Stupid, pointless questions... at least as far as Plot is concerned, about why Data looks human and isn't clumsy and how he can make Picard feel small in the pants by pointing out how awesome being a robot is.  

Then Riker pushes the Plot Train by handing over one of the child drawings from the Room of Plot Singularity.  

Now Doc calls on the Intercom from the Lab, stating that they need Data. Intercom, what do you know? It works!

Also: Poor people management on behalf of Star Fleet here. Data just left the lab to spend a bare minute in the briefing room before being called back to the lab. Not just Star Fleet, but whomever storyboarded this episode out. The show production team (editor, director, writer... whomever) failed here, as they literally yo-yo a character between scenes. 

Some extra gives a bit of technobabble (electromagnetic-synthomometer? Whatever that is supposed to be it apparently provides binary output in positive or negative terms) as the camera pans to Data and Doc standing as only people on TV do, six inches from one another to hold a conversation.  In this case it is for a modestly appropriate reason, as Data is inviting Doc to put her hands on him, specifically showing her his Off Switch (which appears to be around the Kidneys, and based on the depths to which her fingers sink into his uniform, is not exactly well hidden. Seriously, he has a three inch long, two inch deep trench in his back as an off switch...)

Also: Doc is a bitch to robots. 

While exploring Data's off switch she comments about "small projections", which Data calls an "Android Alarm Clock", asking if its amusing. She gives bitch-face and shakes her head no.

Honestly? Its not belly laugh funny or anything, but it is the sort of modestly witty idea that ordinary people do all the time. Saying no right there probably set Data's exploration of 'humor' back two or three years.  

Luckily Argyle comes over to mangle some dialog before she can do any more damage to his understanding of the human condition. Data assures the fucking engineer that, while he is off, he will experience nothing. Well, I'm glad Argyle needed to know that. I am reassured that the Engine Room is in the very best of hands. 

Anyway: Doc promises to not tell anyone about Data's off switch, which wasn't really set up in the scene as shown, and Data's line seems oddly misplaced after, despite being one of the few bits of Dialog in the entire episode that actually seems to be sensible. Data asks Doc if she had an off switch wouldn't she want it to be a secret? Good line, but it belongs BEFORE she promises to keep it a secret.  Doc allows that she probably would. 

Cut to Doc doing 'surgery' on Lore (or data? They are both laid out the same) while Argyle supervises and... teaches Doc surgical engineering? I dunno, this entire scene is set up weird. Doc is doing the work because she is the named character, but Data is a robot. I guess this is the same as Bones disarming a bomb in the latest movie.  

Picard and Riker walk in with huge smiles for some reason, after the Surgery-Engineering session.  Argyle has to earn his pay by continuing to deliver dialog, so Data and Doc can sit by silently in a reaction shot. Important point: no sign of consciousness from Lore yet. 

Picard asks which was made first, and this naturally causes Lore to 'wake up' to answer 'he was'.  God, I am sick of this sort of trope. Nothing important happens unless it can be framed by a highly paid actor asking a rhetorical question?  I can't quite explain it, not quickly but it still peeves me. 

Lore continues on to talk about how Data was imperfect, which... actually, that mirrors the bit where Data put Picard on the spot earlier by revealing how cool being a Robot was.  Not that Data can be put on the spot, of course.  This triggers Lore's first twitch, which looks more like a moderate to severe Tourette's spasm, followed by a sort of smug-smarmy look which is meant for the Audience, because no one on TV ever notices bad guys looking bad before they've actually DONE bad. Lore then introduces himself. 

As an aside, as a boy I just took his name as 'Lor', no "-e", and thus a mere, simple name.  Embarrassing, no?  How I missed the clear them in robot names I will never know, but it was probably a good decade before I corrected that bit of error. 

Cut to Picard and Data in the Captain's office, where Picard is troubled by Lore's description of data, but he calls Lore 'It' for no good reason, and Data calls him on it. It never explains WHY Picard used "it" of course.  Seriously, though? Picard is a racist to Robots. When he apologizes to Data is has that distinct condescending air of a man who is doing the pro-forma thing to avoid an argument then a heartfelt belief that he just insulted Data.  So, Picard secretly thinks of Data as an It, but is too polite to say it to his face usually.  Now, in this case A Debate on the matter could be held, of course... but won't.  In Star Trek, Picard's attitude is wrong, evil and un-evolved... but he still has it, clearly. 

Anyway, Picard goes on once poor, naive Data bought his totally bogus apology by then challenging Data's loyalty to Starfleet. 

No, seriously... his rationale is as follows: Since Data and Lore are equally cool Robots, instead of Data being the only Robot, Data may now decide to betray StarFleet/Picard in favor of Lore.

Which... racist we much?

Robots have in-group preference? Who knew? Obviously, Picard.

When Picard gets his reassurance from Data he ends with "I was certain of that." which: Why ask then, asshole?

On the Bridge, Lore is at the helm in 'Civilian attire', which is literally the only difference between him and Data, visually. LaForge and Space Jesus are explaining space navigation in simple terms. Aside from assuming cool Space Robots would not understand basic Geometry, I have no problem with the explanation. 

Then Riker jumps in with half the Pythagorian Theorum, and Lore begins to repeat the answer, until I guess he remembers he's supposed to be a babe in arms and trails off with some lame 'and... something, something I can't remember.", clearly lying.  How clearly? In the next scene DATA of all people calls him on it. 

So, on that note, lets revisit Lore's introduction where he claimed to be the newer, improved model over Data. Now, in hindsight he was clearly lying for... reasons?  But on the face of it that assertion cannot stand any scrutiny.  If Data was the original model and had no memories, how did Lore, built later and just activated for presumably the first time, know anything about Data and why he (lore) was built?  Just making that assertion reveals that he knows things that Data didn't know when he was awakened and should lead to a massive amount of questions.  It is clearly not impossible to theorize how the original model (data, in this hypothetical) would not have knowledge of his replacement, while the replacement (lore, again only hypothetical) would.  Data, never being activated due to his flaws was not programmed with knowledge, and Lore, possibly also never being activated was programmed with more complete memories, including the memories of his predecessor.  Hypothetically. 

But with that reveals, hypothetical or lie, it leads to questions that Lore (being a liar) doesn't actually have answers for, not ones he can reveal.  

Anyway: Data throws Lore off the bridge because of 'captain's approval', despite his own superior officer (Riker) being right there, clearly approving.  Star Trek fails to understand chain of command, again. 

Lore attempts to ingratiate himself to Space Jesus, clearly grasping that SJ is the smartest person on the ship. 

Again, I'm not going to fisk every single line. God knows these damn things are long enough, but the Dialog is chunky enough, and loaded with enough stupid to deserve it. 

In the Turbolift and Hall, right after the Bridge, Data reveals to Lore that his deception is transparent, and that Riker tricked him. Lore says he'll do better, as Data chides him for being overconfident. Why Data chose not to call him out on the bridge is unclear. Maybe the writers intended for the Audience to question Data's loyalty somehow?  If so, this scene fails to create that belief, as Data clearly is not on Lore's side here. 

Aside from that? The Dialog here is as bad as anywhere. Its almost ragged with disconnection between responses. Not to the point of nonsequitor, but rather to the point where only seriously irrational people could claim that the relations between each line were rational. 

Once in Data's quarters, Data does the Robot thing and just starts looking shit up, ignoring social niceties. A good touch, given the characters. This leads to Lore asking him what he's doing, so its also a good excuse for dialog-exposition.  What is Data looking up? Dr Soong.  This leads to Lore going on about 'Often Wrong Soong', which seems like it is meant to rhyme, but it doesn't, at all.  Its about as good as saying 'Often Wrong Picard'. Accurate or not, insulting or not, it just doesn't 'ring', and therefore doesn't really 'sting'. 

Most of this scene is standard issue redundant padding. We already know all about Dr Soong, from this very episode, but we have to have Brett Spiner repeat it to us in both characters with a bad sound mixer revealing that it was filmed twice.  Eventually they get to the Point, which is that Lore seems to assume that being an Awesome Robot entitles him to a Starfleet uniform just like Data's.

Me? I'm still waiting for Data to reveal to someone that Lore is lying through his (fake) teeth. 

Lore goes on and on about his ambition to have the memories of... everyone, ever... or something before having another Tourette's Spasm (His third so far).  How this relates to his plot (spoiler!) to have the Crystalline Entity eat people is unclear.  Also, given the limited utility of the 411 memories that they already have, I fail to see how expanding that failure by orders of magnitude would make either of them any smarter versus just reading everything in the Ship's Library, which clearly works for them when they bother to try. 

Clearly, Data also knows Lore lied about being made second at this point. This allows Lore to Monologue a bit, or rather allows the episode to revel in Brett Spiner acting against his own evil twin for five minutes.  Really this scene is mostly all about revealing how Lore is Not-Data and not much else. Terribly indulgent, really.  Also, clearly Lore is somewhat off his rocker, since he breaks into the 'tomato, to-ma-toe' song at the end.  The scene continues its rather disjointed ramble, as Data reveals he will report the conversation, and Lore says he'll make a full report on the colony between bouts of researching his evil plan. 

I suppose I should point out the subtle use of "Brother" throughout the scene. In the last exchange between the two, Data drops it in favor of "Lore", which indicates an awareness that Lore is not his friend, I suppose. 

When Data leaves, the Cue Music of Doom plays.

Captain's Log:

Normally I skip these, however:  Using the Child's Drawing and Lore's Description they make a better picture of the Crystaline Entity (properly Named for the first time). Really?  that sounds... really... yeah.  Because five year olds with Crayons are known, galaxy wide, for their amazingly proficient, technically accurate draftsmanship of vast and terrible alien entities.  Next Episode a child's drawing of stars in the sky will lead the Enterprise to the Lost City of Atlantis!

Anyway: Cue everyone staring at a render of the Entity on their little holo-screen with concern-face.

Voiceover continues: The Entity feeds on 'Life Energy', which is pseudo-science at best, not even technobabble. And may I also point out that it is Galacticus?   

Anyway: Naturally they hand Yar the stupid question of the Episode, as in why this life eater didn't eat Data or Lore. If this was science fiction then the answer would have been a slap on the back of the head and a reminder that they are Robots, and thus not alive by any technical, rational sense, no matter the legal or ethical case.  Instead, since Android apparently means 'alien life form', we have to learn that they both used loopholes, Lore by being disassembled and Data because he wasn't born yet. 

Oh... it burns, the stupid does.  

Riker, for some reason, fails to believe in the Crystaline Entity.  That strikes me as odd, given the canon existence of the various energy beings and godlings wandering through Federation Space. Hell, he can believe in Q but not a giant crystal space vampire? 

Yar loudly tells Data that Lore went and got some stuff from a replicator store, or something.  Worf kindly expands (because he hasn't gotten dialog this episode yet), that it was micro tools and 'fine grind quadritanium', so we're back to Technobabble. Lemme parse this one.  Titanium is a element found on the periodic table, so its real stuff. Its used in only a few cool, high tech applications like spy planes, so it sounds pretty sciencey. With a little imagination or a bad speller you can sort of get Tritanium out of its name, which also sounds like Tritium, which is really just Helium-3, but really seems sciencey because it glows in the dark and shit!  But, since we've gone four centuries into the future, mere 'Tritanium' isn't cool enough, but luckily someone knows their greek prefixes so they make it Four-tanium, instead of Three-tanium and thus, technobabble was born from some jackass not knowing the right name for a real world metal. 

Data dismisses this as unimportant trivia. 

Doc questions Data playing the Orwellian Big Brother instead of the familial Big Brother (and I note that had she made that literary allusion as I just did, I'd have more respect for the writer....), but Picard points out that Data is just doing what Picard wants him to do. 

So, now it's Yar's turn to question Data's trustworthiness in what has to be one of the most awkward scenes not involving questions about Data's Parts, at least in this episode. 

Its not Crosby's delivery, which is actually low key and subdued for her, and thus appropriately professional for a security officer for once.  The dialog is a bit forced, but its Picard's response that really kills the scene (beyond the idiocy of the baseless, and now repeated, accusation). Picard answers that he trusts Data absolutely, so fair cop to that, but THEN goes on to loudly draw attention to the question so he can point out it is completely legitimate. Sigh.

Mind you, first he looks around so to ensure that he has everyone's attention on him and Yar. So... he set her up to bring out his racist attitude towards Robots, while making it look like he's just responding as the enlightened modern man he is?  Holy shit, I didn't realize this was going to become a Thing with this episode. Now I'm going to have to keep an eye out for future signs of Picard's anti-robot racism!  

Yar, of course, is just happy to be validated by Papa Picard again.  She doesn't even realize she was just used by the Captain to publicly demonstrate his not-racist-racism with plausible deniability. Poor dumb Yar, so out of her depths. 

Cut to Lore pouring Champaign for he and Data.  It was just an episode or two ago, in Hide and Q that we saw that Data doesn't drink.  His reaction to Q's lemonade was bafflement and awkwardly attempting to dispose of the glass without being obvious about it (which, of course, was painfully obvious, as it usually is...). 

So even Lore's excuse that this is a human ritual won't change the fact that Data has undoubtedly sound structural reasons not to shove food and drink down his robot face.  And, of course, the drink is poisoned... possibly with that Quadritanium from the previous scene. Because, again, Android apparently means "alien" to the writers.  

And it apparently works very quickly and effectively as a Mickey, whammying Data in about half of a sentence from a tiny sip. Sigh. 

May I point out, for the record, that in this very episode it was revealed that Data has an Off Switch, and that Lore's physical structure is identical to Data's and thus LORE has an Offswitch in the same place, meaning...sigh... Lore can turn Data off without drugging him. 

Lore monologues while Data spasms and collapses, revealing, at last, the Plot Danger, once Data is out on the floor. Lore is buddies with Galacticus! Oh Noes!  He fed the entity the Colonists! At last, we have an answer to the missing people... and at last I can discuss just how idiotic this episode is!

So: Soong makes Lore. Entity arrives at world and Colonists build massive hidden complex underground to hide from it while it presumably strip mines their world of life energy. I'll avoid going into the ret-conns from the next CE episode just yet. Lore learns to talk to the Entity, Soong disables Lore. Entity does nothing while Soong builds Data and places him outside the front, freaking, door of the hidden complex.  Tripoli arrives and finds Data, but doesn't find colonists or Crystaline Entity.  Tripoli Leaves with Data and reports colonists missing but, hey, Cool Robot.  Entity finishes killing world, then kills colonists and takes their corpses.

Does that timeline make any sense? I submit to you that it does not. However, since the CE clearly strips worlds of life, not just energy but the bodies that houses it (The Colonists, and yes, the later CE episode which clearly shows the process, never mind the bad set dressing with trees and grass from earlier), it clearly could not have fed on the world BEFORE the Tripoli arrived because 'Farmland'.   Clearly the Colonists were morons, as they had to be alive when the Tripoli arrived, and thus could have escaped the threat entirely instead of hoping their underground bunker complex worked.  And clearly the crew of the Tripoli are the worst explorers in Starfleet (and that's saying something) because they somehow missed the entrance to the quickly made bunker AND the giant crystal entity that was threatening everything.  

So, the Timeline of the backstory contains at least three contradictory elements and requires several unbelievable conclusions to stand. Moving things around only makes the entire timeline worse, breaking two things to fix one. 

Anyway: Cut to bridge, with Worf Showing Riker 'strange subspace communications' coming from Data's quarters. Riker sends Space Jesus to check up on My Favorite Robot, while some nameless dude gets a full second of screen time to grin at how eager Space Jesus is to please.  Way to cash that check, nameless dude!

Cut to Lore as Data talking to the CE to explain his palate swap. Then Twitch (four). Then Space Jesus, who immediately notes 'Lore' unconscious on the floor.  'Data' does a moderate to poor Data impersonation, which is either odd or brilliant depending on your generosity. I'm leaning to Odd myself, before he does Twitch (five) so Space Jesus can catch on to the swap. Space Jesus clearly doesn't buy 'Data', but for some reason reminds him to not use contradictions because that would REALLY reveal which was which.

Lolwut? 

To be clear: Lore, pretending to be Data, only fails to fool Space Jesus because of his facial tick. Space Jesus, realizing the powerful and obviously dangerous Robot is not his friend tells Lore how to do a better job impersonating Data? 

Because Space Jesus loves playing pranks on people I guess. 

After Space Jesus leaves, Lore uses a blue flashlight to create a facial tic in Data, which I guess I sort of buy, but then he uses the same flashlight to 'erase' his own tic. Sure, I get that the tic is a problem for impersonations, but.. if it was a purely mechanical problem wouldn't he have fixed it as soon as he could rather than waiting until he needed to pretend to be Data for a few hours?  And it, like many tics in real people, it was psychosomatic, a result (as it appears) of a problem with a computer that produces false output (lies) on a constant basis, then would not the blue light do nothing?  

Doc is just hanging out on the bridge, as she do... no, wait, she don't, so times like this stand out as 'out of place', when she approaches Space Jesus to ask about Data turning Lore off.  This makes her mildly suspicious because of 'secret off switch'. Its a stretch. Lore didn't say HOW he turned Data off, as Space Jesus can only vaguely answer.  Enter 'Data', and Doc publicly confronts him over the secret switch. 

Lore is, of course, a terrible liar. He claims its merely a change of heart, because obviously he can trust the bridge crew.

Really? Instead of saying, "Necessity, as 'lore' was getting violent.' or 'I didn't tell Space Jesus where the switch is." Or, my favorite "Thank you for loudly announcing its existence to everyone, simply because I admitted to its existence to Space Jesus, in private, to answer his valid question about how I had disabled 'lore'."... any one of which would have been far more passable lies than 'I changed my mind from yesterday about this secret I've kept for twenty years. No big.', and all three have the virtue of only using information Lore has. 

Cue LaForge talking about boogie on a five o'clock tangent, or a mad-libs mashup of Science-stuff with Tora!Tora!Tora!?  It's  the Crystal Entity is catching up to the Enterprise (in warp!). Yes, because a predator whose natural prey is planets must naturally be capable of faster than light travel... and FTL superior to the maximum warp of a Starship by at least an order of magnitude. 

'Data' continues to be terrible at impersonations, calling it 'beautiful' with reverence. 

Cut to: No longer chasing, the Enterprise and the CE face off in the depths of space.  Yar seems Shocked!, Shocked! that a giant floating space monster doesn't answer the radio.  

Cue LaForge walking back onto the Bridge. Clearly he was sent away by Picard to VISOR the shit out of a window. Again. 

Seriously? We're gonna play this dance again?  Ship sensors, with antennas and dishes and shit measured in full meters, powered by a massive matter-antimatter annulation power plant that, if containment is lost, could destroy the entire ship vs... a cute little headband worn on a man's face and powered by... bioelectric energy or really, really tiny batteries.

Yeah, the VISOR is totally more capable than the ship's sensors. Uh huh.  By the way, let me tell you about this great summer vacation home I have in the antarctic? You'd never guess how warm and sunny it can get down there.

That LaForge still has to go look out a window is so patently insulting to my intelligence that I'm going to ignore his technobabble as the frosting on a cake made of shit.  At that point, what does it matter what the frosting tastes like?

So, Picard asks 'Data' if he can safely question Lore.  This triggers Space Jesus to, at last, reveal that he suspects 'Data' is really Lore in drag. 

OF COURSE no one believes him. Not Picard or Yar, who both mistrust Data (as Data) loyalty because, Robot. Not Doc, who openly questioned Data's sudden change of heart about secret off switches... no one.  Frankly there is so much stupid packed into this scene that not even the infamous "Shut Up, Wesley!", in stereo no less, can redeem it. 

But I'm a bit ahead of myself. Space Jesus doesn't come out and SAY that Data might be Lore in drag (because that would make sense), he just goes on and on about not trusting Data until he gets called on his bullshit. Riker goes with SJ and 'Data' to talk to Lore.  Lore grabs Data's body and shoves his fingers into the off switch for some reason, which... for some reason, causes Data to shake spastically in his arms. 'Data' says some absolute nonsense about how 'lore' senses SJ and is trying to attack... which does not fit the action on screen in any way, shape or form, and Riker buys it. 

The highlight is after Riker leaves with Space Jesus and Lore asks the still unconscious Data "And you want to be as stupid as them?"

Which, given the writing is pretty fucking stupid all right.  Never mind that Data isn't trying to emulate human mental capacity but emotional capacity it is still a damning charge here.  

Anyway, Lore kicks Data in the head a few time for Reasons. 

Back on the Bridge, Riker describes... Lore's description of the scene, rather than what he just saw with his own eyes.  At last Space Jesus points out that it could be a palate swap, which he really should have done earlier. Picard is upset that Space Jesus interrupted Riker, paying absolutely NO mind to what SJ actually said.  Which: Picard, stupid. So he gets a pass, its everyone else's unthinking idiocy that drives me nuts here.

Perhaps realizing that Picard's ranting makes him fundamentally unlikable, even when its directed at Space Jesus, the Writers cut him off by having the Crystalline Entity make a move.  Its all dramatic and shit when it fails to damage their shields, honest. 

Picard reaches for the only weapon he has in his arsenal, which is a warship full of powerful space guns and prepares to introduce the Crystaline Entity to the diffence between biology and technology, the hard way. Cue Lore returning to the bridge as Data. Clearly, not having thought this plan through very well, he suddenly realizes that the Enterprise could clearly destroy the Entity quite handily, so he makes the bold offer to speak with the Entity.  No one really thinks this is odd, no matter how badly the dialog sounds.

They aren't even suspicious when 'Data' doesn't recognize Picard's oft repeated "Make It So", despite the fact that this is a fairly easy to parse phrase in and of itself.  'Data' plans to beam a tree into space and blast it with phasers to demonstrate the threat was real.

Which...what?  This thing is a giant space predator that eats planets, clearly there is not much call to negotiate a peaceful accord with it, really? Just blast it and warn the next colony to keep an eye out for more of them.  

After 'Data' leaves to enact his plan, Space Jesus steps up again. Naturally he leads with the smarmy obsequiousness we've come to known and loathe from him, thus earning the infamous 'SUW' from Picard.  Fun but utterly concealing the fact that Picard is turning a willfully blind eye to a threat that is very closely related to the very one he spent half the episode worrying about openly. 

Space Jesus sits down without another word, so HE is still missing the point. Doc leaps to her son's defense, which cues SJ to turn back around for another try, so getting another SUW from Doc this time.  This time, since it was just mom, he continues on to point out, very reasonably, that he's being dismissed only because of his age.  Which is true, though there does tend to be a good reason to dismiss the words of youth and inexperience.  Doc gives an eye roll, but Picard actually seems hurt by the accusation, not that he backs down, you know. He puts it aside to let Space Jesus dismiss himself, then banishes Doc as well... Doc calls him on it, but he points out that he's letting her watch her son during "all of this", which.... fails to mollify her for some reason. 

Meanwhile Lore totally Worf's Worf in the turbo lift. So much for security and klingon warrior 'tude. 

Lore doesn't just beat Worf, he utterly humiliates him while mocking him.  Lore is a dick to Klingons. 

In Data's quarters, Space Jesus and Doc confront the unconscious Data, with his blink lights exposed where he was kicked in the head.  Space Jesus challenges Doc, saying she "knows how to turn him on"... which, heeee.  Seriously, her reply is 'This is serious.' meaning she heard what I heard too.  So Space Jesus totally made an inappropriately sexual joke about his own mother to her face, and it happens often enough that she reflexively dismisses it? 

Its a bit weird that Doc went from suspicious of 'Data' to disbelieving her own son to turning on the Robot she thinks is Lore because Space Jesus asked her too, isn't it?  Yeah, pretty much everyone is like that this episode.

While Data pushes his forehead closed I can't help but think Spiner was starting to get a little confused which character was impersonating whom, he was playing.  Its like he's not entirely sure if he is Data in Lore Clothing, or Lore, pretending to be Data, in Lore Clothing. 

Cut to Cargo Bay, where Lore is wasting time explaining the plan to the Crystal Entity out loud. We hear the replies, which are meaningless sound effects, and those plucky kids show up to stop him, with their dog too... okay, no dog.

Data makes an only child joke.  Lore replies with Hannibal Lecter commentary about Space Jesus. Doc pulls a phaser, which only arms Lore.  I'll note that this is the big phaser, not the little key-fob phasers we've been seeing in the series so far.   Naturally, she has to make mama-bear comments.  Because, you know, its not like Lore isn't trying to kill everyone on the ship for... reasons. 

I note: Her specific threat is 'One more step towards my son', and Space Jesus, her son, steps behind Data.  Lore steps towards DATA to grab him and toss him at Doc to disarm doc...

So, if she was serious about her threat she should have shot him.  Of course, given that phasers on stun do work on Data (based on the utility of Ferengi shock-whips earlier), why she didn't stun the incredibly dangerous ROBOT the moment she stepped up instead of making hollow threats, the world will never know. Or, you know, Plot.  So Lore has the phaser and uses it to make incredibly cruel threats towards Space Jesus. What a cock tease. 

Instead, after convincing her to run away, he shoots her. This... lights her sleeve on fire. 

Three seasons of Original Star Trek, Four movies by this point, plus a dozen episodes of this season and they forgot what phasers do?  It... lit her sleeve on fire.  Is this a special issue, doctors only phaser with uniquely useless settings like 'singe'? 

Also: Lore waves that damn thing around in the most ridiculous way possible. I refuse to dignify it with a description, you'll have to just watch as he points it at almost every single thing in the room over the course of about half a second. 

It is the act of shooting Doc that gives Data the chance to act. Not, you know, anything like pointing the phaser at the floor or anything... no, not that.  Gotta be after he shoots. Tension or something, gotta be. 

So the two robots have a fairly hollywood stupid fight, but it does include tossing empty barrels at each other, so that's fun. But it doesn't last long.  Data loudly announces 'the Transporter' for Space Jesus's sake, and then Lore attacks him, letting him throw Lore into the cargo bay transporter. Oh noes, that happens to be where the Phaser is! And Lore is sort of an action hero, with combat roles and coming to his feet shooting and all that, but he's already being transported out. 

So... what kept data from just picking up the Phaser, on the transporter pad, three feet behind him while Lore was flailing around in the barrels? And why would Lore put himself into a position to be thrown onto the transporter pad right after hearing Data announce his intent?  Sigh. 

Anyway: Security runs in, phasers ready.

No, actually... its just Yar. And who is backing her up? WHy... Riker and Picard.

Really? Picard is down in the cargo bay with the murderous robot, backing his own first officer? This is the SAME Picard who isn't allowed to go down to lifeless planets where people find cool robots all the damn time?  Really? Who is flying the damn ship?  I hope she's wearing a skirt still... oh... uh... I mean commanding, yeah. Who is commanding the damn ship? 

Doc, totally uninjured but missing her Doc Coat rushes up to hug Space Jesus.  Picard immediately... and I do mean Immediately, orders her to sick bay. Because she clearly was killed by phaser just a moment ago. You can see the pain in her eyes, matching exactly the burn mark on her Onesie.  What? You don't see any pain in her eyes? That's odd, as I don't see a burn mark on her Onesie either.  I wonder what that could mean?

Okay, I exaggerate. She clearly burst the seam on her sleeve. Not a burn mark, but not, precisely, undamaged. 

Having ordered the doc to sick bay (Heal thyself. He should have said it. It would have been the second least stupid thing said in the episode... low bar and all that), he sort of vaguely questions Data, not at all suspicious, again, then orders him away... specifically to fix the tic and to put on a proper uniform. 

Now that he's eliminated the witnesses he can admit he was wrong about Space Jesus. Again.

Ok, he never actually does that. He just orders Space Jesus back to the bridge. 

There is some closing dialog with Riker that fills the quota of fluff feel good nonsense, but also mentions the Computer Refit that undoubtedly refers to the previous episode and the Holodeck, but in context of this viewing order isn't wrong. I'd want a refit after that debacle too. 



So.


Season one, lots of lore building going on, so people think highly of it. Its a Data episode, so people think highly of it.  Spiner is fun to watch, though I found it didn't hold up to repeat viewings. Also "Shut Up Wesley!"

Beyond that? 

It is a horrible episode, among the worst in the writing department so far.  Most of the dialog is nonsense, disjointed and damn near incomprehensible.  Only the villain monologues have any consistency. 

Even moving beyond the dialog, the characters can't hold any constancy. Their views are all over the map, swinging wildly through the acts like their actions are decided by coin flips.  Themes are introduced in one scene and put away in the next.  

Then there is the... plot.  

The Plot is 'Data has an Evil Twin', end Plot.

However, the writers needed something more. So, we got 'Lore is better than Data' which became "Lore is a Dirty Liar", which Became "Lore wants to absorb all the memories of all of humanity and wants Data to do it with him." Which became "Feed the Enterprise to Crystal entity for... reasons."

I suppose we could call it evolution of motive or something, though that is a stretch and a half. At least its better than the convoluted knot of the colony history we are presented with.  

This is 'no brainer' television at its worst.  Even Spiner's mugging loses its appeal once you start critically thinking about the episode, so every single aspect of it relies on the audience not actually paying attention to it.  Sadly, this is the foundation upon which much of the House of Data was built, and cannot easily be ignored.  

I think the lesson learned by the writers for later episodes was that, while an episode about Data always does well, leaving it to Spiner to carry the whole show is just not going to work.  Its no mistake that one of the early standout 'Data Episodes', in Season Two, actually fell to Picard/Stewart to carry the heft, letting Spiner stick to doing Data with the cool expertise he usually brings. 

Monday, April 28, 2014

ST:TNG The Big Goodbye


Open with Riker setting up the current mission, which we will eventually learn is entirely periphery to the plot. Too bad.

However:  Alien bug people (never seen) that the Federation REALLY wants to cut a deal with are extremely prickly about protocol. So much so that it has been forty years since the Federation dropped the ball by screwing up this one greeting and this is Star Fleets 'Big Chance' to try again.

Sure: Bug Aliens can be alien.

And the man upon whom an entire Generation of Federation Diplomats are hanging their careers? 

Picard, who has been given three weeks (ish?) to master an incredibly alien sentence. 

So: The Federation has had 40 fucking years to prepare for this moment, this chance to redeem themselves for the inexplicably devastating gaffe and instead of making sure they have appropriately elevate diplomats ready for when the bug aliens are ready the drop the entire load on a guy who, in all probability, had never even HEARD of these bug aliens until a month or so before he was expected to  do what the Federation had failed to do forty years earlier? 

Yeesh.

Anyway, cut to Picard going over the linguistics of the language with Troi, who clearly knows it already. So Either Picard is a much slower learner, or Troi just happens to have learned this one incredibly awkward alien language as a lark at some point. The show does not make it clear. 

For some reason Picard is going over their weird spelling rules instead of just trying to phonetically memorize the sentence.  Also, Picard admits to being a bad speller (I spell knife with an N, sayth the captain). Heh. 

Troi advises him to stop cramming for the big exam and take a break.  There is a grammatically odd sentence in there, "You've been looking forward to the upgrade of the Holodeck."  which suggests that Picard is looking forward to tinkering with the hardware instead of exploring the recently upgraded Holodeck (Memory Alpha lore points out that one of the closing lines of Datalore (the next episode) was meant to set this episode up, so they were aired mildly out of order), but maybe that is mean of me to point out? 

Picard says "Dixon Hill".  I personally think they should have gone with an existing property rather than making up their own but unless you want deep thinking on the craft of writing I doubt you care so I'll spare you. 

Anyway: This is, of course, THE Holodeck Episode, the one that defined the actual ability of the Holodeck, that established the format of episodes that were costume dramas and other genre bending. Previously we'd only seen limited use, nature scenes both good (Farpoint's jungle) and bad (Haven's desert rock), and its value as a training aide (Yar's akido sparring demonstration). 

Picard enters the Holodeck, gets called Dixon Hill a few times, people comment on his 'Pyjamas', and the actual plot is set up before the opening title.

Some observations:  Picard can't simply load up 'Dixon Hill', he has to get the computer to establish time and place (Sanfrancisco, Earth, 1941... AD), first.  How odd.  

Ignoring the exposition on the Holodeck, Picard's face as he walks into the set is one of childish wonder, as if he'd never used the Holodeck before. 

Why exactly is the Holodeck programmed to see Picard as Dixon Hill, but also to see his Starfleet Uniform is not Dixon Hill's suit? Or that Data's android pale skin is unnatural, or Worf has a deformed forehead... not that either appear in this scene, but still.   It seems to me you actually have to work harder at programming the computer to react to 'out of place' elements like that, and that they significantly reduce the utility of the Holodeck in such a diverse organization such as Star Fleet. 

I mean, they rely on this weird quirk of the Holodeck for a lot of their busywork, gags and dialog setup, but it doesn't make much sense logically. Picard is NOT in 1941, he is in a computer generated simulation programmed by someone from his own time, adapted for use by people FROM HIS TIME.  For that matter: Does the Enterprise have a massive costume department to outfit people just for holodeck adventures?  Yes, Replicators.... but still.  

Recurring ST theme: Interface design in the far future is not terribly user friendly.  Explosive control panels begin merely the most dangerous example. 

So, the Dame (Its a detective noir story, there is always a dame) says someone is trying to kill her and Roll Title.

Captain's Log,

Oddly this interrupts the scene in progress. I don't mind the Title interrupting the scene in progress, but tossing in the Captain's Log from one of only two characters in scene, as they do here, is frame breaking.  There is the usual business with the Dame setting up the future murder mystery, and from the perspective of a pulp detective story its all pretty lame... so luckily we don't actually care about that part. 

Interestingly, they set up the existence of the MacGuffin. Now, naturally the exact item the MacGuffin is tends to be reasonably unimportant to the plot, its important that people want it, yes?  Only in this episode the MacGuffin is obviously part of the mystery, and one that is never, ever resolved.  The Dame says 'Redblock thinks I have what he's looking for', and, Spoiler, later Redblock asks Picard for 'The Item', firmly establishing that the MacGuffin, in this case, is just... the MacGuffin. 

Yes, I find that unreasonably amusing. 

So, Exit scene, right? 

Well, no. First there is some heavy duty framing for the purposes of a minor point of foreshadowing.  The Dame gives Picard a c-note, walks out of his office, walks back into his office to pick up a business card. It only looks good because Picard stands there like a statue while she walks around him. In real life that sort of in and out work would lead to awkward moments of interaction. 

All so that she can have one of his business cards for later... which I'll discuss in due time. No sense spoiling unnecessarily, I suppose.

Picard lingers in the Dixon Hill office for a long moment of indulgence which, unlike earlier, neatly masking the framing.  Picard is admiring the scenery, and it looks like the director is showcasing the movie magic, but really it is to buy time for Picard to establish his exit while a Holodeck bad guy (Mr Leech?) shows up to more or less react to Picard's impossible exit.

Given the plot of the episode this actually fits more than the unreasonable reactions to Picards Onesie.

Picard, ever the fool, stops with one foot out of the Holodeck to apologize to, essentially a computer sprite for leaving him hanging (with the assumption that the scene would freeze on his exit until he resumed it...). Once he's gone, however, we see that the holodeck did not freeze, and that Mr Leech walks into the now empty office expecting to find Dixon Hill.  

Clearly, in at least this regard, the Writers expect us to react better than the characters do to the Holodeck as program. 

Picard walks around the ship with a smear of the Dame's lipstick on his face. Like Farpoint's case of Space Jesus being wet, this clearly violates the Holodeck's established rules (rules that are, in fact, plot relevant in this very episode!). The Lipstick is clearly a hologram creation of the Holodeck and should dissolve into nothing (light) the moment Picard leaves the 'Deck.   Yes, that deprives us of a cute moment of embarrassing Picard, but its the hallmark of good writing to find a way to obey your own rules AND have the scenes you want to have.  Hell, I put zero thought into this and I just came up with a simple fix: Move the lipstick scene to the Holodeck when Doc is there, in character, later in the episode.  Presto! 

More Evidence for the Idiot Boy-King Captain theory: Picard apparently calls staff meetings to brag about his Holodeck adventures.  I like how everyone acts as if they'd never experienced this 'Holodeck' for themselves.  Now, we can presume that this was not a minor upgrade, but the result of switching from an old Pong machine to a PS4, or the equivalent, but seriously? I know... I know, its for the audience benefit, even the Data-xposition about those mysterious Automobiles, but I find it hard to believe Picard was the first of the senior staff to look out a holodeck window and see cars.  Hell, Space Jesus is there (for some reason), and we know he goes skiing on the Holodeck, among other things.

Anyway, Doc eventually stands up and wipes off Picard's errant lipstick while Riker leans back with a knowing smile, one of many, many subtle innuendoes about the various uses the Holodeck has seen just in this season.  Picard, unconcerned with his lipstick stain, goes on to try and set up a date with Doc in the Holodeck, cockblocked by Data and some dude we've never seen before, Whelan. 

Mind you: PICARD offers to take Whelan (who is not in the scene), so it is really Doc who gets... vag-blocked... here.   Picard can't even flirt properly?!  Get him space drunk, he's much more smooth when he's space drunk. 

Watching Doc in this scene is actually awesome.  I mean, as far as acting goes, I guess its pretty broad comedy, but its still well executed.  You can clearly see her frustrated crush in every progressing reaction shot and her snippets of dialog, and Picard is oblivious.

Suddenly: Picard recalls that this is a Staff Meeting, literally derailing all the dialog he'd been spewing to talk about the upcoming bug alien meeting (haradran?).  You can see how much importance they gave to this plot device by the structure of the scene. Riker reveals it was a twenty year rift, which is why I should avoid spoiling episodes, I guess...   there is a stock phrase rolled out to help build plot tension that I've heard in a  few episodes now 'Strategically Important', which is never fully explained.

Hawaii is strategically important the the United States because it is a warm water port in the middle of a vast and mostly empty ocean, allowing for open water dominance of the Pacific. Crimea is Strategically Important to the Russians because it controls access to the Baltic Sea, and thus transportation into the heartland of central asia.  Haradran is strategically important to the federation because.... plot.  Lazy. 

Now, this is a bit early in the series, but as they go on and on about how important it is for the Captain to say this 'Without a single mistake', and Data is right there... why does no one even suggest Data simply recite the greeting with his machinelike precision in Picard's voice?  I mean, the eventual meeting with the Haradran is conducted by voice only, and even if it wasn't surely their photoshop skills are mad-733t in the 24th century?  This will be 'plot relevant' eventually, for a sub plot not even the writers care about.

Meeting Adjourned. By my count we enter scene with Picard going on about the Holodeck already, and this continues for a full two minutes, while the part of the scene while they talk about the Haradrans is only one minute. Even if we literally opened the moment Picard opened his mouth, that's twice as much time on bragging as actual work. 

Data even brings that up, indirectly, while walking with LaForge in the hall the next scene.  Amusingly a Uniform Skirt is following them in the hall. Woman again, seeing less of the man-Skirts, thank god. The purpose of this scene appears to be to give Data an excuse to both mention his Sherlock Holmes fascination and to develop an interest in Dixon Hill. Padding in other words.   Data goes on to review all of the works of Dixon Hill, again establishing how fast he reads.  I am vaguely troubled by these little scenes, but not enough to explore in detail. 

Captain's Log, establishing 11 hours to the rendezvous.  I'm not entirely clear on Picard's time management skills based on this episode. I mean, 11 hours is long enough to permit a brief diversion, but Picard makes no attempt to leave the holodeck until the 11th hour.  That strikes me as negligent behavior. 

We meet Whelan, who is established to be a historian.  Now, I can get why a historian might enjoy using the Holodeck to live history as well as they can recreate it, but why this is a special case is never really clear to me.  They aren't actually going to the past, and Whelan literally can learn nothing new about the 20th century (new to him, perhaps... but that would make him a shitty historian of 20th century earth, now wouldn't it?... also: Why does the Enterprise have a historian aboard?  Never mind. Whales.)

Doc isn't going in with them, for reasons that are never explained beyond scene framing, but for some reason Picard is creeped out by Data attaching himself to the date. Lolwut?   I think there was something cut in editing here. When Data appears in costume Picard looks seriously peeved, like Doc did when Picard invited Whelan earlier almost, yet once Data makes his pitch, its collar popping and 'lets go'. It feels like a reaction shot is missing here. 

Anyway, while Picard reads a newspaper, Data breaks verisimilitude of the scene to exposit about Dimaggio's baseball streak, and again the simulation reacts to this anachronistic behavior...why?  Well, it allows us to establish the gag that Data is from South America, I guess.  Its almost like they want this to be a time travel episode more than a Holodeck episode, right?

Naturally the newspaper also contains a news story of The Dame, who was murdered. This sets up the two palookas who show up to harass Picard about his business card. Sigh.

Yes, that really obvious bit of framing was simply to set up that the police suspect Dixon Hill (a former cop, I believe... according to the episode, and a private detective by trade, with no personal or social connection to the victim), is a suspect because she... had his business card?  I mean, leaving aside how flimsy that excuse is, there are about twenty fucking ways to handle it better, including simply not showing her taking the card at all but simply assuming she had one.  Its just... clunky, foreshadowing the trivial. 

Anyway, before the Palookas arrive, Picard gets genuinely upset that he didn't stop the murder (lol), and Whelan points out that, you know, this is only a simulation, right?

Anyway: Palookas, business with Data, going downtown for the crime of handing out business cards to future murder victims and scene!

Bridge, Riker in command, clearly.  An unknown probe believed to be from the Harada, and like so many mysterious alien probes it shakes the starship and sends weird glowing lights through the halls. Sigh. 

Only this time it causes various control panels to go wonky too, like the Turbolift doors... and, OMG... the Holodeck! Not the Holodeck?!! Not while important named characters are using it!! Oh NOES!!

Seriously: how bad is Federation technology that every random alien probe sends their computers buggy in potentially lethal ways?

Anyway: So eleven hours early the Haradan make contact. For a people so hung up on exactitude of protocol they have an awfully lose grasp of punctuality.  Also, is it my imagination or do the Haradran talk with a vaguely stereotypical Chinese accent?  Racist we much?

Riker sends LaForge to the holodeck because.... communicators don't work? I don't know.

Cue Doc checking her nylons before entering. Timing error? No, the doors are clearly goofy, but she gets in anyway, so its more a plot convenient bug that lets her in, but won't let anyone out... or anyone else in for that matter.  Anyway: Doc struggles in cliched Hollywood fashion with high heels and Data channels Bug's Bunny. That aside I rather enjoy the reactions of the crew to the simulation.  Gates MacFadden sells a certain almost childish glee at the game that feels completely natural, and Stewart switching from Picard as Hill to just Picard is as accomplished as anything he does.  Picard is clearly enjoying the simulation but can't help breaking character to talk about it... to the simulation!

Cut to LaForge and the malfunctioning door of plot.  LaForge says something curious "I can't find the captain", which should not be technically true or accurate.  He can't get TOO the captain.  This will be compounded later, by Space Jesus. 

Anyway, LaForge says he can't open the doors, and here we have our first major case of 'Plot-itis'. Surely on a space ship, especially a part time warship, they would have purely mechanical means of opening doors in case of system failure? Crowbars? Welding torches?  May I remind the humble reader that this isn't a matter of telling Picard his Tea is ready, its a once in twenty year chance to accomplish an act of 'Strategic Significance'!  A little damage to the door is a negligible problem in the face of mission failure in even far lesser cases. 

But, Plot Tension!

Riker's Log:

So, Riker heads down to the Holodeck, which marks the second major incident of his assuming his presence will make engineers work better (the first being Naked Now). Space Jesus hops up to explain that he (naturally?) has read every single technical manual on Holodecks in, like, ever.  Riker upbraids Space Jesus before Troi points out that Doc is SJ's momsie, and also trapped. 

For some reason I kept expecting SOMEONE to point out that Riker's place was on the bridge, as acting captain. Silly me, I forget that Picard isn't restricted to the bridge because he's the captain, but because he's like an idiot child, forever poking beehives and otherwise mucking shit up. 

As Riker takes Space Jesus with him, Troi gives a catbird smile, clearly pleased at her ability to manipulate Riker into getting rid of Space Jesus for a while. 

Back to Good Cop, Bad Cop with Picard as the dummy in the middle.  Picard apparently 'needs to get our of here' either suggesting he has been interrogated for several hours (he's only told them everything twice), or his time management skills are much better than the Haradrans. 

Doc continues trying to emulate the 1941 ere hooker (or whatever) in the police station, badly, while some out of focus extra in a cop uniform leers at her in the background.  The Extra leans into focus with some dialog and... a stick of gum?  Well, I guess its a bit of 'fish out of water' business for padding, as Doc swallows the stick of gum awkwardly before we cut back to Riker and Space Jesus.

Riker asks stupid obvious question (Have you tried the intercom), which is actually pretty realistic, then he tries said intercom regardless of the answer, which again seems realistic to me. 

Space Jesus, clearly realizing that LaForge has yet to grasp the seriousness of the situation dives for the control panel and begins looking at things with a device.  Hey, its a subtle bit that LaForge may have been working on said panel but has no use for the device because VISOR, so I'll forgive Space Jesus's wordless panic effort. 

Riker, naturally, proves useless. 

Back to Picard/Hill, still in interrogation. Mostly this is so he can LEAVE the interrogation room, so its bad padding. Still there is a fun line about how if he leaves town, town leaves with him, which just sounds awesome. Anyway: Good cop gives Picard a cigarette, which again has me questioning the programmers of this Holodeck, though I suspect this scene is to established the enlightenment of 24th century humankind (non-smokers, of course), and Picard continues his in and out of character schtick.

So, Picard walks out and is stunned by Doc.  Not, you know 'phasers on stun' stunned, but ZOMG stunned.  I think this was the first scene in the series where I realized that Gates MacFadden has a really girly pitch to her voice a lot of the time.  I think the writers were all over the map with her character, the mature sensible doctor and mother, the schoolgirl crush on Picard... it must have been at least mildly frustrating for MacFadden to have to bounce through these wildly different takes on the same character, but unlike Crosby and Sirtis I can't recall her ever complaining about her role. 

Anyway, Picard finally remembers he wants in Doc's Onesie, which is inconsistent with his earlier scenes with her, but whatever. 

Anyway: Bad writing leads to odd framing.  Picard has established that its time for him to leave the Holodeck and get back to work, which is fair enough.  This means Doc has to push the idea of getting to the Dixon Hill office to set up the next major scene, which means Picard has to ignore the fact that he has to get back to work to agree with her. 

A better way to handle that would be to either NOT have Picard worrying about time just yet (he has no idea the super protocol obsessed Haradrans have inexplicably moved the timetable up by several hours), OR for them to try and leave and discover the malfunction, thus giving them freedom/reasons (I Know the door in my office works, lets try there) to go to the office.  Here we have a clear, awkward motivational zig-zag going on. 

Anyway: Now Whelan cock blocks the Captain (turnabout is fair play, I suppose, though in this case Doc is also getting Vag-blocked, making her 0 for 2 this episode).  The Reaction shots sell it, of course, but Data is still channeling his weird Bugs Bunny character. 

Back to Riker, still commanding the Enterprise from a random hallway.  LaForge exposited that Space Jesus thinks it was the Haradan probe (you don't say?), and that somehow that will make the malfunction harder to locate. lolwut?  Technology we much?

I know, maybe the Probe carried the malfunction away with it, so they'll have to track it down and capture it to get their malfunction back? That couldn't be any more gibberish than what LaForge actually said.   In fact, knowing the CAUSE of the malfunction (the probe) should make locating the SOURCE (the error in the hardware/software) easier to find, not harder.  To simplify: if I smash your watch with a hammer, you won't waste time trying to replace the battery to make it work again. 

Meanwhile: At Dixon Hill's office, Leech is waiting for them, upset that they've been avoiding him. Rather than point out that they've had a long boring wait in a police waiting room or interrogation room (depending on which character is speaking, of course), they blow him off until he points a gun at him. I have to assume its some sort of callback to film noir history that this is framed with only Mr Leech 'in scene', with the other characters (on the same set, clearly) on the other side of the dividing wall/door. The Camera pans over to the other side where we can see Mr Leech and his gun through said door, along with everyone grinning foolishly as they raise their hands to play along. 

Mr Leech reveals that he is a barely restrained sociopath, since he is pointing the gun at them because 'I am not a man to be toyed with', when in reality he has merely been kept waiting in an office waiting room while the man he wanted to see was out, hardly any definition of toying.  

He then says "You were hired to find an object and I demand to know what you've done with it".

Which, what?

When? WHO?

The Dame mentioned the "an Item", but Hill was hired to prevent her murder by figuring out who was trying to kill her, which, of course, he failed miserably at (despite having 'frozen' the program...). At no point was he hired to find 'The Object', which is clearly the MacGuffin. 

Now yes; The program may clearly be running a longer more complex story than what Picard is interacting with, since it clearly did NOT freeze when he asked it to (Thus the Dame's murder between holodeck scenes), and clearly Hill's character should have been doing 'Stuff' with regards to the Object during that time when he was not actually present, or something...

... but that assumes first that the Dixon Hill simulation is based entirely off of a written work, and not an extrapolation. As Data read every Dixon Hill story and has not mentioned which one they are in, that is clearly not the case (as he does when using Sherlock Holmes simulations), so this is an extrapolated expansion based on Dixon Hill. Further, it is clear that the Simulation interacts with the players within it, thus should not be running events that have not happened involving said players. Thus, Dixon Hill literally did not do anything at all, in the simulation, between the Dame leaving his office and meeting the cops at the newspaper stand.  Thus, Dixon Hill was never hired to find any object, and could not possibly be suspected by Mr Leech to have it. Even if we assume the Dame's ulterior motive was actually to get Dixon to find the object for her, she failed miserably in that manipulation by utterly dismissing the object in question when she spoke with Dixon/Picard.

Thus, what Mr Leech says is entirely random gibberish, in context.  

Whelan mugs for the camera (Mr Leech), and puts on his own palooka act, so Leech shoots him. Well, I never liked that character anyway, so good riddance. 

Of course, being that the Holodeck is supposed to be safe, this gets people's attention right quick.  At last, after hours of being trapped, they realize that something is wrong! Plot Tension!!!

ok, so there is a cute bit where Doc applauds Whelan's dramatic shot reaction before realizing he really was shot.  Its the little pleasures I find in the show that makes it tolerable. 

Picard plays action hero, knocking Mr Leech's gun away and hitting him. Mr Leech give a 'how dare you!' as he flee's the office while Doc plays.. doc.  Not a ding on the show, but I've always found that attitude offensive.. the "I just shot your friend, but how dare you hit me" thing. I don't know if anyone ever does that in real life, though I imagine some variation of it does play out in less dramatic circumstances, and I despise it.  Eh. I guess Mr Leech is supposed to be unlikable with his sweat and his bad villain accent. 

So, Whelan is dying and they need to get him to sickbay, so Tension! Because they are trapped! 

I might take this moment to mention that ANY of the three other characters in the scene would have been far more appropriate to create dramatic tension. Sure, buying Data being hurt by a mere bullet is a little hard to swallow, but we at least notionally care about the character's well being. Doc is a woman and an established character, complete with one of the more complex relationship maps of any character (all of two, really, but only half the main characters get even 1, so...), and Picard is both the captain (and most charismatic actor they've got) AND is necessary for the whole Haradran plot to play out.

Whelan? Never heard of him before this episode, and we'll never see him after.  Sure, that means we believe his character CAN die, but only because no one cares about his fate... a catch-22, I suppose.  I wonder if Leech's gun was a 22? It was a bit weedy, but I suspect a .32, maybe a Walther. 

Anyway: Why can't Data see the seams of the Hologram to find the doors, knowing where to look? Farpoint established that his vision is somewhere between ordinary human and LaForge's VISOR, so this should be within his abilities?  He is strong enough to force a door, as we've seen before.  Ah well.

Doc points out that she's 'loosing his pulse'. Hmm. Gut shot, assuming the major artery by the liver was hit, twenty minutes to bleed out, in agonizing pain. Otherwise you're talking death by Sepsis, a much longer, and possibly more agonizing death.  Its been at most a minute, so... no. 

I note that Picard seems to think he can pull rank on the malfunction, shouting how he is the captain, dammit!

Riker has at last returned to the bridge, pacing the deck. Yar was in his seat for some unexplained reason, so she leave it so he can sit down. Bridge Protocol is weird but clearly well established for the characters, if not the audience.  Riker keeps harassing LaForge to hit that plot tension with all he's got. 

Back to Dixon's Office, Doc pacing while Picard and Data explore the walls for the door (Picard clearly knows where that particular door is, so why explore an unrelated corner???)

This is, of course, only framing to start the scene. Doc rushes back to her patient while Data exposits all the plot points we already know, only stupider.  Doc asks for light, Data carries a lamp across the room, not understanding power cables, which Picard clearly does (he plugs the lamp back in while Data looks at the lamp curiously. This inconsistency of knowledge is one of the more puzzling, if least aggravating quirks of the character in writing).  Note that Data doesn't merely glance at the lamp, but actually spends several long moment looking up under the shade, clearly puzzled, and not apparently noticing what Picard does to get the light back on.  It is childish, yes, and Data can be childish, but it is also TECHNOLOGY, which Data does get.  There are clearly power conduits on the enterprise, so the federation has not gone to straight up magic Energy Beam technology. Whatever.

 Anyway, at that moment Leech comes back with Cyrus Redblock and a nameless thug. Leech works for Redblock, in case that was unclear from my recap.  Redblock continues to assume Hill has "It", which is slightly more forgivable this time, since no one explained to Leech that they didn't in the last scene (quite the opposite).  

To me Cyrus Redblock is almost an accidental grasp for greatness in villain design that just misses the mark. I don't actually think the writer (Tracy Torme in this case) set out to create a memorable Star Trek Villain for the Dixion Hill simulation, but sort of assembled a pastiche of Pulp Detective and Film Noir baddies to create Cyrus as a disposable one off. The result is almost, but not quite, impressive and memorable.  Cyrus has the marks of a fascinating and deep character, but handled broadly and shallowly, if that makes sense.  In a way he makes a curious metaphor for the Harada, in that he is almost obsessive about decorum and propriety, while still being clearly a thuggish bad guy willing to do anything to get his way.  He's going to search Dixon Hill's office at gunpoint, but he'll ask politely for permission first.   But, again, I don't think it was deliberate... and that lack of deliberation in his design cripples him as a character. 

Curiously, Redblock is really solicitous of Mr Leech, going out of his way to ensure Mr Leech gets revenge for being struck, and catering to Mr Leech's murderous lusts, which almost makes Redblock subordinate to his flunky.  This is where more consideration in the writing might have helped. So Leech strikes Picard, leaving him with a bloody lip that looks remarkably like the lipstick stained lip from the beginning of the episode. Then Good Cop shows up, pointlessly, to be taken captive as well. Well, not entirely pointlessly, but in good time.

They give Good Cop a LOT of lines throughout this scene.  Since he's just a holodeck simulation from 1941, however, none of them are really relevant to Star Trek, so I'm gonna ignore them.

Data steps up to make a comment about etiquette and punching people, and I thought we were gonna get an awesome back and forth about ethics and protocol between Cyrus and Data, but no... this is a setup for another South America gag, followed by Picard attempting to explain the Holodeck to Redblock and Co. 

And you wonder why I think he's a dummy?

This is a good two or three minutes of the scene, and it goes no where towards advancing the plot, and eventually Cyrus has Doc threatened by Mr Leech to convince "Dixon Hill" to expose the 'Object'.

Oddly, Picard makes it a condition of the deal (revealing an Object that... I'm at a loss to even explain how he would view it at this point... lets say that he is bluffing about and leave it at that), in return for Cyrus Redblock helping him save Mr Whalen's life.  Now, since the problem with Mr Whalen is that they are trapped on the Holodeck, unable to get to sick bay, and Redblock is a pure holodeck creation unable to even conceive of the truth, how, exactly, is Redblock supposed to help?

Oh, sure: Picard could as for Redblock's help getting Whalen to a Holodeck, 1941 era hospital, under the notion that it is far better than Dixon Hill's Office Floor, but he never tries that, so no points for the peanut gallery suggestion. 

Its a stupid deal that makes less sense than the damn MacGuffin!

Back to the Bridge.

Riker fails at Diplomacy.  A quick riff through memory lane shows me that Riker only succeeds at Diplomacy... with his DICK! 

And since the Harada are apparently bugs and not sexy alien chicks, Riker makes rude demands for respect and gets shot down by feedback.  hah.

Of course, one can easily imagine that Riker just offended the Harada right there, and set back relations another 20 years, but that doesn't happen because the entire scene was meant merely to re-establish (AGAIN) that they need to get the Captain off the Holodeck. Sigh.

Which leads us to the single, stupidest moment in all of Season One so far, and that's saying something.  

LaForge Calls the bridge, explaining the Space Jesus has done 'His thang' and they may now attempt a rescue.  Space Jesus begins to technobabble about bi-converters, but Riker cuts it off (Thank god!) and wants the short form. 

The Short Form? No matter what they do there is a fifty/fifty chance that everyone on the Holodeck with dematerialize along with the simulation if they force the door. 

That, right there, is weapon's grade stupid. You can kill people with stupid that dense from fifty meters, by accident.  It is stupid so dense that you could use shaped explosives to make it go supercritical and wipe out a small Japanese city. 

Everything on the Holodeck is made up of coherent light, if we use the term hologram as our root literally. If not then it is simulated matter given temporary existence using a version of transporter technology, held stable by emitters built into the deck, which is why nothing (not the water on Space Jesus in Farpoint or the lipstick on Picard in this episode) can leave the Holodeck permanently. 

Everything, that is, except the people who walked into the Holodeck in the first place. They are not sustained by the Holofield, which is why they can leave. 

If the simulation crashes, for any reason what so ever, than you'd have four people standing (or bleeding in Whalen's case) in the middle of an empty room with black walls and floor. This is actually a minor medical problem for Whalen, as the bullet in his gut might be helping stem the bleeding, and when it dematerializes he may start to die faster, though it is a boon to Doc, as she doesn't need to pull it out. 

Now, we MIGHT postulate that the holofield has, over several hours, begun to affect the real matter brought into the deck, destabilizing it somehow, but that only opens several dozen cans of worms regarding basic safety regulations and how to get such people off the deck after they've crossed that threshold, which never come up and thus can be safely rejected (well, not the safety regulations argument, as Star Fleet is clearly violating OSHA standards with a will that verges on sadistic). 

In short, Space Jesus's statement could only be viewed as relational to Star Trek if Holodecks were some sort of extra dimensional bubble dimension, and not a room with some fancy electronics in it. The problem there is that Star Fleet clearly does not have that technology, and would probably not use it for Holodecks if they did (well...maybe...), and stands in a direct contradiction to everything we've ever been told about Holodecks.

So, Space Jesus is clearly fucking with LaForge and Riker, since it is obvious that most Star Fleet officers, even engineers like LaForge, have almost no clue how anything actually works... and since we can suppose that not even Space Jesus would risk his mother's life on a coin toss. 

Still in Hill's office, Picard is explaining Sick Bay and computers to Redblock. Still? Again? 

Sigh.

This is just set up as Space Jesus messes with the program. I'm sticking with the practical joke theory here, as he takes them (including for no reason whatsoever, Redblock, Leech and the rest of the Hill Simulation, but only the ones in the office), to the middle of a badly FX'd blizzard.  This lasts about five seconds and they are back in the office with fake snow on them.  Then the door opens.

This leads, almost unnecessarily, to Picard 'tricking' Redblock and Leech into walking out of the Holodeck to de-rezz.  For some reason they did a really bad job with the FX editing here.  I mean, Transporters and double layering film to 'erase people' were thirty year old techniques at least, by this point, yet for some reason... and I recall this clearly from the original airing too, when Redblock and Leech stand in the (empty!) hallway and start to dematerialize, they are out of focus.  Question: Where is LaForge, Space Jesus and the nameless technical mooks? 

Never mind that suddenly the odds went from three men with guns vs three men and one woman without to one man with a gun vs thee men (+1w)... so it is easy enough to escape the last gunman (the one with clear orders to kill them, giving them no reason to play along, I note. Another curious aspect of TV, I find...)..

It falls to Data, who in theory could have defused the gun situation much earlier. He pinches the barrel shut on the gun, then oddly asks permission from Picard before punching out the hologram gunman. Could be a programming tic, a habit, but it still seems oddly out of place since there are exactly zero repercussions to punching out a simulation at the end of a malfunctioning program just before they leave. 

Picard has to order Data (for some reason) to pick up the dying man and take him to sick bay, and Data is more worried about what Picard is going to do. 

And what is Picard going to do? Why... he is going to have a long and tender conversation with the computer simulation that just found out that he isn't real, while they ponder... what IS the inverse of Solipsism anyway?   

Again: Picard lingers on the clearly malfunctioning, and unsafe, Holodeck that he's been wanting to leave for the last... call it an hour... to get back to his duties, so he can provide some emotional support to a fictional character about his pending unreality.  It might feel a bit deeper if they'd done a better job establishing a rapport with this character (They tried too, I know, but it was rushed and sloppy and never quite sealed the deal), but frankly it is pointless.

It also means they can't use the logically quickest way to save Whelan, and that is to use the Holodeck to create an emergency Sick Bay, so Doc can do her thing Right Away, instead of "A Few Minutes from Now".  Sure, there are some interesting theoretical issues with that, such as what happens to holodeck IV fluids once they've been absorbed by the body and turned into replacement blood (assuming he stayed there long enough), but stopping the bleeding and using various energy wave devices (that they do have) to patch the holes should still work just fine, and sutures and the like could be brought from the Real Sickbay so they could transport him safely without relapsing... ditto IV bags and replacement blood supplies. 

That isn't even discussing the wild idea of having the Holodeck patch the hole and replace the missing blood with Holotechnology while medical supplies and personnel are brought down to take the now fully stable, health (but trapped) Whelan in a stable manner to sickbay... assuming that level of fine control is possible.

Nope: its more important to tell a computer program that, hey, you know? Nothing wrong with being unreal guy.  Maybe you're equally unreal wife and kid are waiting for you at your unreal home? No? Well... um... bye?

Then we get to the real payoff of the episode: Having Patrick Stewart, a renown Shakespearean Actor with more chops than the rest of the cast combined, spent thirty seconds reciting the most deliciously horrific gibberish ever heard on television as loudly as he possibly can. 

The Harada apparently are all about having one basket for their eggs, since this single greeting is all they wanted. A new day dawns between their peoples.  Seriously, I take it that Haradan Laberynths are just a big open room where the Minotuar stands with his ax, and their version of a deadly obstacle course is that laser trap room from Resident Evil, and just that one room.  Sure, its lethal and almost impossible to beat from the inside, but once you've done it, you're home free.

Data, still in his soot suit sits at the conn and starts to do his character bit before being cut off by Picard. Apparently this is so Picard can do a Sean Connery take on his Make It So with 'Shtep on it' instead.

And Episode.

So, aside from being not very much a Star Trek episode, given that the mission plot is entirely subsumed by the Holodeck Plot, and that radioactive chunk of stupid from Space Jesus, how was the episode?

Eh. It is not on my favorites list, in any real sense. Not my favorite Holodeck Episode, not my favorite Season One episode... not even my favorite Picard episode (A Low Bar to Cross, no matter how you slice it), but it isn't painfully bad in the way Haven was.  Its got almost no Utopianist baggage, which is a relief... even if you count the smoking, which was so low key that you shouldn't, that still gives it far less screen time for moralizing than any episode to date. 

I suppose at some point I should put together more formal looks at the Holodeck (as I intend with Q and Picard's Brain), and with the Picard/Crusher relationship that never goes anywhere, but I'm more curious to look for signs of Space Jesus as practical joker.  I could probably make a fucking career out of spotting times where the show contradicted its own science (lipstick smears from the Holodeck...), but who'd pay me for that?

No one, that's who.  

So, back to the salt mines for me!